posted
Okay so I tried starting this at a different place. My concern is it's confusing in this spot as well and that the dialogue still isn't working the way I want to. Opinions?
Original
“Alright mates, it’s simple really. Five’s up and he wins. Sixes up I win, and so forth down the line, you following me?” Gerrard nodded as James continued to explain the rules. The other boys who had gathered in the back alley just looked onward with confused expressions. A pile of crumpled bills lay in a heap in the center of the group. “Alright alright,” James continued as he shuffled an old ratty pack of cards between nimble fingers. “now if a two and six come up, well then I win as well, house rules and such, ya know boys? Same with a three-six, four-six-” “Hey now, just wait a minute!” One of the older boys that had been at the back of the crowd piped up and started to shoulder his way to the front. Great Gerrard thought. He eyed the money,
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1st Revision
Gerrard huddled against the wall as fists pelted him in the head and shoulders. He raised his hands to fend off the onslaught, giving one of the boys an opportune moment to place his boot squarely into Gerrard’s chest. The wind knocked out of him, Gerrard lost his legs and crumpled to the pavement. “Awww come on guys, take it easy on him. He didn’t mean anything by it, did you Gerre.” Gerrard tried to answer his friend but couldn’t get the words out. “Shut it James,” He heard one of the boys in the alley say. “I have half a mind to think you was in on it too.” Another boot suddenly caught Gerrard in the gut. “C’mon. Here’s your money boys and a little extra too for the trouble.” Gerrard looked up from the pavement to see his friend
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So is this better? Worse? more confusing? etc?
Thanks
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 19, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 19, 2010).]
posted
Couple technical things. You probably need a comma after the first "alright" and between the other two. Also, although it doesn't bother me personally and I figure you're doing it for voice/accent reasons, I have been warned against using "alright" instead of "all right."
quote:“Alright mates, it’s simple really. Five’s up and he wins. Sixes up I win, and so forth down the line, you following me?” Gerrard nodded as James continued to explain the rules.
Its clear James is speaking, but is Gerrard (who I cant help but picture as Gerrard Capashan from MTG) the "he" refered to in the dialogue?
quote:“now if a two and six come up, well then I win as well, house rules and such, ya know boys? Same with a three-six, four-six-”
This seems rather self-defeatingly obvious. Does he really think anyone would accept this?
It feels a little jumbled and unfocused to me. I'd like a little more sense of place/context and maybe, maybe a bit of a speculative hint, although enough of the first would render the second much less important.
posted
The opening dialogue, lacking context, I also found difficult to attribute. If you simply swapped the first and second sentences, could it work just as well?
quote:Gerrard nodded as James continued to explain the rules. “Alright mates, it’s simple really. Five’s up and he wins. Sixes up I win, and so forth down the line, you following me?” The other boys ...
My eyes glazed over the second paragraph, because I thought "ho hum, more rules," and then had to re-read it when they started arguing.
Should Great Gerrard thought. imply that he is called Great Gerrard?
posted
My only criticism is, polish up the technicalities. Otherwise - the streets, the gambling - I like it.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
For me, it didn't work, because while it's a perfectly valid scene, there is no hint of where that scene is going to take me, so it doesn't feel like an opening scene. Here's why:
I don't know who these people are. I don't know why they are here, or where here is (an alley; could be any place, any time). I don't have a real sense of a POV character because the dialogue takes precedence. I don't understand the game (it seems to be cards, but why then start with a five, and all the talk of sixes) despite the supposed clarity/simplicity of the rules.
That, coupled with the grammar issues (already covered) that reduce clarity significantly, mean I wouldn't read on.
posted
Yea I thought the dialogue would be too much, thanks guys.
"Its clear James is speaking, but is Gerrard (who I cant help but picture as Gerrard Capashan from MTG) the "he" refered to in the dialogue?" - Actually I didn't really attribute the he to anyone in particular when I was writing it, but I think I will be changing the whole beginning as it is.
This seems rather self-defeatingly obvious. Does he really think anyone would accept this? - I was trying to imply James is a bit of a swift talker (which is not coming across the way i wanted it to) and kind of just runs through the rules leaving the young boys more confused than anything, but with Gerrard at his side confidentally nodding along as he explains them the other kids are not wanting to say they don't understand. I wanted to see if it would be picked up, but I can see that it definitely didn't work.
If you simply swapped the first and second sentences, could it work just as well? Actually Ben I think it would work much better.
Should Great Gerrard thought. imply that he is called Great Gerrard? No, Great was supposed to be italicized, my bad.
tchernabyelo - thanks for the input, now that I relook at it I can see that too.
posted
I like this. It sets the scene quickly and there is the promise of an immediate and forthcoming conflict. Of course I feel like I'm one of the kids on the playground chanting, 'Fight, fight, fight'. And while I never actually did that, the feeling makes me want to read on to see what happens.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I still like the energy of the first one better. There's tension there. In the second, you've already gone past the breaking point and it's just a beating without context or meaning.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I like the revised one much better. In the first one, while I was getting the idea that James was a hustler, he wasn't a very good one. He called way too much attention to all the ways he could win.
The revision shows that James is a much more skilled manipulator, putting all the blame for whatever caused the beating on his "friend." It also shows what kind of "friend" James is, and makes me wonder why the heck Gerre puts up with him.
So, I feel some sympathy for Gerre, and revulsion at James in the second, which is infinitely more emotion than the first attempt evoked.
posted
While there is nothing wrong as such with the second...in some ways I prefer the first as well. The second is more dynamic yes...but I dunno, I'd like to see a more polished version of the first starting place, personally.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
Gerrard huddled against the wallI would end this sentence here. Then leave out the "as" and begin a new sentence with "Fists". as fists pelted (him in the)Leave this out and put in "his". head and shoulders. He raised his hands to fend off the onslaught(, giving)Try "and gave" one of the boys an opportune moment to place his boot (squarely)I have a thing with "ly" words. See if you can leave "squarely" out and still have the same effect (into)Maybe "on" instead of "into"? Gerrard’s chest. The wind knocked out of him, Gerrard lost his legs and crumpled to the pavement. “Awww come on guys, take it easy on him. He didn’t mean anything by it, did you Gerre.”I'd start this in a new paragraph Gerrard tried to answer his friend but couldn’t get the words out. “Shut it James,” He heard one of the boys in the alley say. “I have half a mind to think you was in on it too.” Another boot (suddenly)Same as "squarely". I'd leave this out. caught Gerrard in the gut. “C’mon. Here’s your money boys and a little extra too for the trouble.” I'd start a new paragraph here, tooGerrard looked up from the pavement to see his friend
I like this opening much better than the original. The main thing I didn't like was the "ly" words and the use of "as". I always try to avoid them if I can, and it makes my language stronger and clearer. Since Gerrard didn't say the things you have his actions connected with, I feel they should be separated by putting them in a paragraph by themselves. Of course, this is just me, but I try to keep my writing as clean as I can (Yeah, I know I uses "as" in this sentence, but I don't intend to use this in a story ).
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