posted
It's been a long while since I posted here. I took a long break from writing, and have found my way back to it. I realize that I have some stylistic issues that I need to work out - particularily in story openings. This opening passage was inspired by the excellent prompt of the currently ongoing writer's challenge (slave to flame).
----------------------------------------------------------------- With one eye, Werner watched as the moth spiralled toward the simple oil-lamp. Light glimmered off the moth’s wings, becoming more beautiful the closer it neared its death. Werner allowed himself a smile, but even in that moment of leisure his other eye remained fixed on the door. For someone so careless with his life, Werner took his security very seriously. Fire consumed the moth, turning its frail body transparent as the flames edged along its wings. Its ashes fell to the table below, scattering over an opened letter. It was a rich offer. Werner wondered whether the rebels could afford the payment they promised. They likely expected they wouldn’t have to. You don’t pay dead men. Werner didn’t need the money. He never had. He needn't -----------------------------------------------------------------
While I appreciate all comments, I am especially interested to find out:
1) Are you getting a glimpse of the character Werner? 2) Do you have problems with the style? (Be brutal) 3) Is there enough in there to engage you as a reader?
posted
Just my opinion - it isn't drawing me into the story whatever that might be. No, I didn't really get a feel for the character. Why? I ask myself and I can't quite pin down the answer. You have some good elements but there is something about how you put it together that doesn't quite mesh. Like the author is just trying but doesn't believe in this guy. You aren't passionate about him.
posted
I agree that it doesn't have a lot of draw. I think it's partly because while we get his observations we're not really getting his thoughts or feelings about them.
And this line bothered me:
quote:For someone so careless with his life, Werner took his security very seriously.
It's contradictory but we don't have a context to understand why a statement like that is made.
posted
I am drawn in a little by the potential threat to his security that might come through the door - a small hook, but still a hook. Style is ok - you do a nice job of painting a picture, but I don't really get a feel for the character, yet.
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It seems like a pretty passive start to me and I think a lot of time is expended on the moth for the sake of the contest trigger. Personally, I'd skip the opening altogether and go straight to his first interaction. If you want to reveal things about his character, it's usually more effective to do it through his reactions to events. For example, if he accepts a suicidal mission, but is shown to be meticulous in his preparations, that effectively shows what you've written "For someone so careless with his life, Werner took his security very seriously". Right now, we're given a static scene and we're on the outside of the character.
posted
I like it. But, I have to admit, it took me three readings to finally determine what was really going on. It's a good mix with the man and moth.
There at the end, where you state that he didn't need the money, that line seems out of place. What I was expecting next was that the door started to creek, being pushed open by some unseen force, etc. etc.
All in all, it held my interest, and I was wanting more.
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