ok, all. This is a sci-fi flash, complete at 854 words. Looking for readers before I send it out. *********original*************** My dog's forgotten who I am. No, that’s not it. I'm just not the guy he used to know. That’s what Bio Integrililia Trans...that’s what BIT does to you. The motor changes are nothing. BIT changes who you are. I should be used to the rejection. When we found out I had BIT, Celia swore it didn't matter. But it's hard to stay with someone who’s totally changing. Almost like they’re dying. You try to treat them the same as you always did, but they’re not the same. Somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking they're already gone, and you start acting like they’re not there. She worked late more often, went out with friends a lot, and she was at our place less and less. Finally, she said she had an offer in Seattle, and she
*******first revision********** My dog's forgotten who I am. No, that’s not it. I'm just not the guy Jonesey used to know, the one that Bio Inte – that Bio Integrililia Transi - that BIT turned me into. Better get off this bench, head back to the apartment. Jonesey’s waiting for me. His rejection's nothing new. When we found out I had BIT, Celia swore it didn't matter. It’s not like I looked different, I just wasn’t quite me. It's gotta be hard to stay with someone who’s DNA is changing. Almost like they’re dying. You try to treat them the same as you always did, but they’re not the same. Somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking they're already gone, and you start acting like they’re not
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited April 09, 2010).]
Well, I like the voice on this one, and I think the hook could work. My issue is the BIT. "Bio Integrililia Trans..." umm what? I think it is the word Trans... I have an immediate association with the word trans and it isn't Transylvania.
I get that he changes and it is like some kind of disease that makes him change, but it's just not very clear to me. What about him changes? Is it his skin color, his gender, the shape of his face, his DNA, blood type. I don't get it. A sentence saying I reached down with a womens hand and my dog almost bit it off...
I guess my issue is that I don't know where he is or what he is doing. Except sitting somewhere and complaining that nobody likes him. Add to that he is constantly changing, so I have no idea what he looks like. I have nothing to visualize.
I think you might try to get to the action earlier. Keep the first line, and then show us why the dog doesn't like him. I think that would hook it better.
Good luck, ~Sheena
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited April 03, 2010).]
I liked it. I do agree with Shim that the Trans part needs some help. the part "when we found out I had BIT* seems more like a disease than the cure or company providing the cure which is how I read it.
Not sure what "i should be use to the rejection* has to do with the story. How is he being rejected?
I did like the Ceilia part where it was like someone dying.
quote:That’s what Bio Integrililia Trans...that’s what BIT does to you.
I think a hyphen works better here because the person is changing what they are thinking, not trailing off in thought and coming back (which is how I read ellipses)... yeah?
quote:I should be used to the rejection.
Of the dog? Of what? This lost me.
quote:When we found out I had BIT..............
I think you should can this paragraph and move into action. We get that the character has something that does something. I need to see something more - start pushing us through the character's day, give me something that shows me a BIT more (hah).
Something to display - through his actions - what BIT of him is different (hah x2). Is it hard for him to distinguish the eggs from the orange juice during breakfast, does he suddenly have the ability to hold a conversation with the pancakes - I need something that says "Oh, now I can get it".
Hmm...what is BIT. Personally, I had no problem with it, except that the sentences were too short! I know, this intake sounds stupid, but this is just my personal opinion. I felt that some of the sentences could be combined.
Also, give me some visualization, point out who's who, and your fine.
The first line always grabs a person. Your first line made me swear, in the best way possible. It was unique and funny at the same time.
First sentence sounds more like the dog's got a problem with memory rather than MC's not being the same any more. Maybe like: My dog doesn't know me any more. He did yesterday.
The BIT definition distracts me from the story, I think, partly because it's hard to pronounce or get meaning from. What it means to MC would be more involving -- as you get into with his girl edging away.
Where's the action -- dog bites MC? Or is it coming soon? (no hint of it). (better come fast in 800 words -- I find that impressive) I'd like to see how you do that. I'll read it.