posted
It happened in one day, one second really, not that that matters. Mr. Strickland, who used to be a History teacher, said it was an event beyond historic. The perfect coup, he called it: the overthrow of an entire world system and not a shot fired. Well, lots of shots were fired, but that happened later.
The day was July sixteenth. I'd just come home from ball practice, well not technically practice, just a pick up game really. Jason, Donavan, Hirtler and me met up with some other kids down the street and rode our bikes to the old park near the river. We played for hours until our moms started texting and we had to quit. It was a good day.
The sun had already set by the time I walked in the back door, not completely dark yet, but almost. Mom and dad were in the kitchen discussing our summer vacation.
posted
I've got the voice of the main character coming through in your writing, but he has a bad habit. Well, maybe not a habit, but more of a tick. Well, maybe tick's the wrong word. Technically, it may be more of a mental stutter. Well... I think you see where I'm going with this.
I have no problem with one such walkback, but when I count four in the first thirteen, I'm expecting this to be the formula for the entire story, which is off-putting ("one second really," "Well, lots of shots...," "well not technically practice," "not completely dark yet,"). If that structure is found in dialog, I'm expecting the person on the other end to hit the speaker to snap him out of it after a few lines.
That said, I like the first paragraph. I'm not sure if the second paragraph is necessary and can't simply be merged into the third (e.g. "I'd just come home from a pick up game. Mom and dad...")
posted
I agree, the "umming and ahhing" is slowing down the introduction. Your first paragraph had me hooked, the first "well" worked, but after that it distracts from your narrative. Try: "The day was July sixteenth. Jason, Donavan, Hirtler and me met up with some other kids down the street and rode our bikes to the old park near the river. We played [ ball]for hours until our moms started texting and we had to quit. It was a good day." Do you need the sun had already set, since you state in the same sentence. Try: "... by the time I walked in the back door, [it was ] not completely dark yet, but almost. Hope this helps.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I didn't even want to finish the first 13. I just found the constant contradictions too annoying.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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That said i think you have a skill with words, a sense of poetry that you can build on. I would recommend reading the story out loud; if you decide to, you (your internal editor) should be listening for echos, among other things. These 'walkbacks' should ping up on your mental radar if you read correctly at a reasonable speed.
posted
Same for the stutters. First couple are good.
I like the second paragraph otherwise. It just seems like it ought to lead into one more hint about that magic second of coup will be to build anticipation.
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