Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Transplant, Sci-fi

   
Author Topic: Transplant, Sci-fi
TrishaH24
Member
Member # 8673

 - posted      Profile for TrishaH24   Email TrishaH24         Edit/Delete Post 
This is my first attempt at writing sci-fi. I usually wait until something is done to submit for critiques, but I'm dying to know if I'm on the right track. Right now it stands at 4,000 words. I don't know how long it will be, but I'm pretty sure it won't cross 15,000 words.

Thanks for taking a look!

Trish

The day I met Ione, I never imagined it would cost me my life. But even now I know Iíd do it over again if I had the chance. I like to think Ione would say the same, but then again, she always had a way of surprising me.

It was raining when I came out of the tunnels. People swept past me in a hurry, shoving as they emptied onto the platform. Half a planet of travel crammed into a tunnel runner had taken its toll. I was supposed to take the connecting runner the last few kilometers home but I couldnít stand the sitting. So I hopped a lift to the Mains and within five minutes my hair and clothes and skin were soaked through.


Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WetherbyOwl
Member
Member # 4967

 - posted      Profile for WetherbyOwl   Email WetherbyOwl         Edit/Delete Post 
I like it, but I would switch the order of the paragraphs, so it went like this instead:

quote:

It was raining when I came out of the tunnels. People shoved past me as they emptied onto the platform. Half a planet of travel crammed into a tunnel runner had taken its toll. I was supposed to take the connecting runner the last few kilometers home but I couldnít stand the sitting. So I hopped a lift to the Mains and within five minutes my hair and clothes and skin were soaked through.

When I met Ione, I never imagined it would cost me my life. But even now I know Iíd do it over again if I had the chance. I like to think Ione would say the same, but then again, she always had a way of surprising me.


See what I mean? (The words I cut, i cut for 2 reasons. One, it sped up the action a little. Two, the original had 127 words, this one has 122. That's enough for dialogue if you're good.) Now, of course it's just a suggestion, but I think it brings a punch at the end of the mundane.(la di da di da normal train/planet travel, oh this person died for this woman Ione).

Just an idea.

The writing itself is fine, I like the personal voice, the matter of fact vernacular you use.

[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited May 03, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited May 03, 2010).]


Posts: 29 | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XD3V0NX
unregistered


 - posted            Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, wow. I like this opening. One thing, I think, that can be worked on, though: a little bit more description and setting. I'm having a hard to picturing everything that is going on. However, this, too, reminded me of Final Fantasy 7, the very beginning, and that just got me going. lol.

This sentence right here, however: "Half a planet of travel crammed into a tunnel runner had taken its toll." I like this sentence, but I could not understand it. It could just be me, though. What is a tunnel runner? And what do you mean by "Half a planet of 'travel' crammed..."?

And "So I hopped a lift to the Mains..." I'm having some difficulty understanding this, too. Do you mean: "So I hopped onto the lift?"

Anyway, I'm no master in the sci-fi genre, but I would be glad to take a look at some of what you have, when you are ready of course to send me some, or the whole story, when it's finished. =]


IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
valeriejka
Member
Member # 9084

 - posted      Profile for valeriejka           Edit/Delete Post 
I was hooked by the first sentence.

A few things, however...I'm not sure why lone is not capitalized? I'm figuring lone is a sentient computer program or something, hence the lack of capitalization, but still my reading snagged on it. I think I would snag on it throughout the story.

I also don't know what you mean by "taken its toll". How has it taken its toll? I think it needs more specifics.

Otherwise, good start!


Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TrishaH24
Member
Member # 8673

 - posted      Profile for TrishaH24   Email TrishaH24         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks, WetherbyOwl, I see what you mean. I was using the first paragraph to set up what happened to the MC. Sort of a 'reflecting back on what happened' so the end would tie into the beginning.

XD3VONX, thank you as usual. I'm no master at sci-fi either. I didn't want to waste time on explaining the complicated system of travel on this planet. I was hoping it would make sense that the MC was in one place, used a form of transportation to go to another, half a planet away. (There is a technology back-story involved here, but I'm trying to keep this short and sweet.)

Oh, and I get the feeling I spend too much time playing video games...

valeriejka, "taken its toll" as in he's tired of sitting. But I see what you're saying. And it's not Lone, it's ione, capitalized (though I can see it's hard to tell the difference, lol!) Ione is the name of a woman.

[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited May 03, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited May 03, 2010).]


Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
satate
Member
Member # 8082

 - posted      Profile for satate   Email satate         Edit/Delete Post 
I thought the first sentence was odd. If meeting Ione cost her her life then how is she communicating right now? So it didn't work for me, it's seems too gimmicky because she's obviously not dead at the end. That leaves me with a few options, either she means something else such as cost her the life she had wanted (and that seems cheap and overly dramatic), or she almost loses her life but something stops it (but then she's lying), or she's ghost talking from the dead.

The second paragraph was confusing. I needed more concrete visuals. I couldn't picture what she was doing or where she was going. I don't have to know the background on the transportation but something to latch onto would be great. All I get right now is that she is going somewhere and it's raining.

I like the voice and the writing lets me get a good feel of the character and for that I would keep reading.


Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MAP
Member
Member # 8631

 - posted      Profile for MAP           Edit/Delete Post 
I like it. I am not sure that "cost me my life" really means he dies, but it does suggest that his meeting Ione is life changing which is a good hook for me. I would read on.

I also thought Ione was lone with a lower case L. LOL, not sure how you are going to solve that without changing her name.

I really liked the first paragraph, but got confused on the second. I wonder if you are trying to cram too much info in a few lines. I need some concrete details to ground me.

quote:
It was raining when I came out of the tunnels. People swept past me in a hurry, shoving as they emptied onto the platform. I am picturing a subway-like system here. Half a planet of travel crammed into a tunnel runner had taken its toll. This sentence makes little sense. I am guessing he traveled half-way across the planet in a subway, but what has taken its toll? I think it would read better if you cut this sentence. I was supposed to take the connecting runner the last few kilometers home but I couldnít stand the sitting. So I hopped a lift Now I am picturing a ski lift because I have nothing else to go on. to the Mains and within five minutes my hair and clothes and skin were soaked through.

I'd be happy to read the whole thing when your done.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited May 05, 2010).]


Posts: 1102 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2