I stretch and pour myself another cup from the small perk behind my desk. No stale, brown-dyed water from a staff room vending machine for me. Today I need coffee you can stand up a spoon in.
Three fifteen. Just enough time to finish the bullying incident report before the bell rings and I join the mass exodus as gleefully as any student.
Tap tap tap.
“Come in”.
A slim youth slides into the office wearing a smug smile and a tight white T-shirt: Holden Crawford in all his cocksure glory. For the enth time I wonder if his parents ever read Catcher in the Rye and if they are capable of grasping irony.
Hi Folks.
I'm trying a couple new things in this flash bit, namely 1st person present tense and a touch of humor (later in the story). One thing to note: there is no indication of a speculative element in the first 13 and this is on purpose.
What I would like to know from you lovely people is: between the (working) title and the 13 is there enough to keep you reading, considering that it's flash?
Edited to change 4th sentance.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 28, 2010).]
posted
I really liked the voice in this one. It's very personable and engaging, so I'd continue reading. The only thing that hung me up was the sentence 'After the last appointment...' I understand what you're trying to say, but reading it was a little awkward compared to the rest of the writing. Nice work!
Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Yes, I would keep reading. I very much like the voice. I would like to have a better feel for what profession the POV character is in. And is he/she a man or a women?
I agree the "After that last appointment ..." sentence is awkward. Maybe split it into two sentences: "That last appointment was a doozy. I need coffee you can stand up a spoon in."
posted
Like the voice. I'm not sure what's going on here, or what to expect from it, so if it wasn't flash I would'nt invest any more time in it. Being flash, I would probably read it through.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
The voice is fine but there's nothing in the set-up that hooks me, and I don't know why she's making the Catcher in the Rye reference just because the kid is wearing a white t-shirt. I'd read on because the writing flws and it's flash, and the investment in reading flash is much less than in longer stories. But I'm not yet particularly well-disposed to the story.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 29, 2010).]
posted
tchernabyelo, the protagonist in The Catcher in the Rye is Holden Caufield, so the kid's name 'Holden Crawford' makes the POV character think of the book.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 29, 2010).]
posted
I like the voice, too, and it's clean, so here are a couple of marginal comments.
This is a comment about American usage, which may differ from Brit of Aussie usage quit a bit: a phrase or two gives the impression that the MC is fairly starched, which may be exactly the intent, but I'll blather on, anyway: slim youth is an example of something you don't hear much these days. I don't think youth is used in the singular much these days. Go back far enough, and "youth" referred only to boys. I remember reading "some youth and girls...." Skinny is the word d'jour.
The above small-print disclaimer about American vs. King's English usage was prompted by this Brit punctuation: "Come in".
Some editors are annoyed by onomatopoeic words like bang and tap. "Someone tapped on the door," might be better.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing it in print. I'll be glad to read it, if you're looking for readers.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited June 29, 2010).]
posted
Thank you for the constructive comments WouldBe. I'm Canadian actually. Our written English tends to be a bit of a hybrid between American and British. To me a youth is a young man/male adolescent, and I think my POV character is probably the right age/type to have that meaning in his/her head, but I didn't conciously think about it at all when I wrote it.
Thank you for your offer to read too. That would be very helpful, so I'll send it your way
posted
First off, let me say that, yes, between the title and the first 13, I would definitely read more.
However, that 4th sentence tripped me up a bit, and that was before I read the comments about it. For me, it's the whole "ending with a preposition" thing, and I got hung up on that sentence, trying to figure out how to make it flow better. Since your narrator is an educator, it might not be too bad to have her (or him?) think "Today I need coffee in which I could stand up a spoon," without it coming off as too pretentious. Just my suggestion, feel free to ignore.
posted
I like it. I see you have made changes due to the constructive feedback. Just from the title I'd know that something interesting is coming even if the first 13 could have been any genre.
Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2010
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