posted
This story is something I just started and I only have a couple pages so far. I haven't decided the genre, but I know where I want the story to go and would just like to see how it ends. Please let me know if this is something that hooks you and please leave me any other comments you think helpfull as well.
His stomach growled. While it had only been less than a day since his last meal, Simon was used to eating small meals at regular intervals and now he found himself famished. Tired too; but that was from the constant prayer and meditation that he had endured along with his fast. Preparing to use the machines in this way always taxed Simon but he was used to it. He had been doing this every month since he was eight. His very first preparatory Fast and Meditation had really strained him and he fainted four times on his way to use the machines. His parents had been so concerned that they made him stay in bed three days to recover, even though it really only took one day to recuperate sufficiently....
posted
I'm intrigued, and would read on. Some things, though:
Simon was used to eating small meals at regular intervals and now he found himself famished vs Preparing to use the machines in this way always taxed Simon but he was used to it.
So, is he not used to it, or is he?
He had been doing this every month since he was eight.
Was he eight a year ago? Two? Fifty?
His very first preparatory Fast and Meditation had really strained him and he fainted four times on his way to use the machines. His parents had been so concerned that they made him stay in bed three days to recover, even though it really only took one day to recuperate sufficiently....
Unnecessary adverbs emphasized. "Only" is borderline. Adverbs are easy to overuse and often don't add anything to the sentence, so when they can be eliminated, I'd err on the side of caution and toss 'em.
[This message has been edited by JSchuler (edited July 18, 2010).]
posted
I'm not hooked, at least, not completely. The characterization seems a bit haphazard. We only get one paragraph and then we're plunged into back story. Give me more of the real story before going into back story. In fact, after giving more story, really look and see if the back story is needed at all.
I would read on for a few paragraphs to see if something interesting happened, (i.e. actual story, not back story) before I put it aside.
posted
My main concern with this is that the voice is so passive. Had, had, had, had. Get rid of them, making the verbs active, making him do something other than explain why he _had_ done something.
I am not really hooked yet, but I am not really turned off either, except for the passive thing. But I'll have to have a real hook soon.
posted
It's sound like you have something interesting to tell.
Problem, and use this for my own sentences and paragraphs all the time when I need to rebuild there structure is, 'It feels bogged down.'You'll probably have to reorganize some.
posted
The mystery of the machines engages me and why you must fast and pray in order to use them too. You skirt the border of witholding, but the way you have presented it means you are on fairly solid ground.
Brendan hits the nail on the head with regard passive voice. It's also very retrospective...
Sentence one and two pretty much just say he was hungry. You should IMO say things concisely unless you can say it beautifully or interestingly; you haven't said it beautifully (i.e. not poetic language) or presented it interestingly (the subject matter (hunger and meals) is day to day stuff.
Then you drift into backstory. I am not even certain where your protaganist is in time a space. Is he in a room or on a mountainside, or a cave? Is he alone? Is it day or night. I don't expect these answers, but I do expect you to begin to answer these time and place questions; the only thing that IS actually happening is his stomach growling.
posted
I agree that this opening would benefit from using "simple" or more immediate past. I recommend dropping the "had" for all but maybe the second sentence.
Now, I'm going to nit-pick. Not to be argumentative but most of the "had's" in these sentences are not passive. They are active past-perfect progressive. "Had" is only passive if the subject of the sentence is being acted upon. In most of these sentences the subject is clearly doing the acting.
"...the constant prayer and meditation that he had endured..." is passive.
The passive version of this tense for all others would be as follows:
"His last meal had been eaten..." "This had been done to him every month since he was eight." "He had been strained by..." "His parents had been burdened by concern..."
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited July 19, 2010).]
posted
I like the concept of the praying and fasting and the machines. But I think the opening sentence could be stronger.
"My stomach growled." is generic and only tells us what you tell us in the next sentences about fasting. I think the machines are the really interesting hook. Show us unhooking (opposite pun?) from the machine or some other specific and strange happening that is different from normal life.
I think I *could* be hooked on this story, but not quite strong enough with the version.
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