posted
Here's the 13 lines of the remake to Sinful Blood. I started it over, and this new one won't be as short as the other. It's still going to be a short story and right now it's about 2130 words.
Let me know if this is hooking/would you read on?/or anything else that comes to mind or you think I should know.
Oh, and let me know if you would like to read it when it's finished. We can trade or something.
Okay... Here we go, Jacob thought, staring down into the lifeless, open eyes of his dead ex-girlfriend in the tub of blood. Don’t panic. Panic is the enemy. I mean, sure, you’re ex-girlfriend’s dead, but it’s not like you killed her, right? But the thing was: he wasn’t sure. Did he kill her? He couldn’t have… her? No. All her organs are pretty much torn out of her insides for Gods sake, he thought, his heart racing in his chest. He stepped back, almost slipped on the floor, and then he felt his heart beat in his throat. Get out of there, he told himself. It’s only a matter of time before the cops show up. You know someone heard some **** going on here. The walls are thin. You really don’t want—
This starts off really weak. Granted it's only the first sentence but it turns me off pretty quickly. Also, if you're going to use "Jacob thought" then don't have the stream of consciousness lines like "Panic is the enemy." Mixing voices, IMHO.
Try starting with some thought about the eyes or another feature of the girlfriend, for example:
"I'd never realized how much Sarah's gray eyes looked like the sky before a summer storm. Truthfully, it's all I can bare to look at as she lies there in the tub. Screaming seems like the sensible thing to do now, but I can't panic now. Or stop looking at those dead eyes..."
Okay, got carried away there. But you get the point. And I'd use her name, rather than ex-girlfriend. Make us believe she's the ex-girlfriend without having to tell us that.
It's also tough starting out your story with a potential murderer. We don't know if he's the killer, but it's hard to have sympathy for him. Not saying it can't be done. Just ups the challenge for your opening lines.
posted
Maybe the opening line wasn't as strong as it could have been, but I think if you were able to show the thoughts in italics, it would make more sense. Which is how I'm guessing you have it in your word processor.
I think setting it up that this guy might be the killer does pose the problem of making him a little harder to like, but you did a good job of making the main character in Jealousy Kills likable, and he was a cold-blooded murderer. So I have faith.
posted
I have a hard time with this one. The first question I asked myself is why is he there? Then the next question came up, why does he not know if he killed her? The next question is how does he know all her organs are ripped out? Is he an anatomy expert? If he doesn't know what happened, how does he know that anyone heard anything? Why does he assume there was a lot of noise? Are there signs of struggle?
This opening seems pretty far fetched to me and I can't get myself to buy the situation or the character. The story might be starting in the wrong place... that is my suggestion.
posted
I agree the very start sounds weak, almost as if you were having trouble starting the story (Okay... Here we go XD3V0NX...) You could start it "Jacob stared down into the lifeless eyes of..." and that would make it stronger.
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If he doesn't know he killed her it is because he has just 'woken' or become conscious--if so, and I suspect it is so, you have the classic cliche opening.
I think it is also weak because the guy seems to be more concerned with what happens to himself and is displaying very little grief about his girlfriend. It doesn't strike me as credible.
If I woke in that situation, I would immediately call the cops not try to avoid them. It wouldn't cross my mind they would suspect me (as I would know I hadn't done it or had the propensity to do it). The language seems a little blase (...sure, your girlfriend is dead, but it's not like you killed her, right?). This makes me dislike him as a character.
FYI...it's YOUR (possessive), not YOU'RE (which is short for 'you are').
Why is he uncertain about killing her...did they take PCP or something? They way you have written it so far is withholding; he knows why he is unsure (for ex: he woke standing over her body with a knife in his hand), yet you are withholding that info from me the reader.
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