posted
Please judge kindly. Outside of my wife no one has ever read my work. Thank you for your time. Here is the first 13 lines.
The sea spray felt cold against his face as he scanned the great blue horizon. The smell of the salty air was as refreshing to him as the mountain air was to a Virginian. The USS Vantage was one of the fastest ships around. It was an iron clad warship capable of using sails or steam engine to move through the sea. James Archer had practically grown up on aboard the Vantage. The ocean was comforting to him and the only time he was no long aboard was when he was in school.
James was tall in stature and built like a boxer. James stood tall and proud like any military officer. His light brown hair was neatly trimmed and his sideburns groomed at the middle of his ear. His green eyes reflected the white ocean crests. He despised facial hair and unlike most officer refuse to grow a
VERSION 2
The sea spray felt cold against his face as he scanned the great blue horizon. The smell of the salty air was as refreshing to him as the mountain air was to a Virginian. The USS Vantage was one of the fastest ships around. It was an iron clad warship capable of using sails or steam engine to move through the sea. He had practically grown up on aboard the Vantage. The ocean was comforting to him and the only time he was no longer aboard was when he was in school.
His father was the Captain of the USS Vantage. His father was set to be promoted to Admiral at the same time he was to graduate West Point. The Captain groomed his hair short and kept short sideburns, but loved the mustache he had so regimentally kept. His eyes were a blue green, and many who saw
VERSION 3
The sea spray felt cold against his face as he scanned the great blue horizon. The smell of the salty air was refreshing and clean smelling. The USS Vantage was one of the fastest iron clad warship around, capable of using sails or steam engine to move through the sea. He had practically grown up in the ocean aboard the Vantage, which comforted him and made him quell for it when he was away at school.
His father was the Captain of the USS Vantage and had set to be promoted to Admiral at the same time he would graduate West Point. The Captain groomed his hair short and kept short sideburns, but loved the mustache he had so regimentally kept. His eyes were a blue green, and many who saw them claimed that they could see the ocean in his eyes. He was a proud and fierce
[This message has been edited by James Creviston (edited October 09, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 09, 2010).]
posted
The writing is fine. You might look at bringing the hook of your story into the 13 lines. Having a second paragraph give description of the protag might turn off a reader. Give us a reason to say "OMFG I have to read this right now!"
1. The first thing I noticed was that all of your sentences are simple subject-predicate structures - You begin every sentence with a noun and describe what the noun was like or what it did. Try changing your structure around some.
2. You have some grammatical errors - "...no long on board", "unlike most officer...", "clean shave face often had him mistake for...", "...twenty three year old man". These need to be cleaned up.
3. You are doing a lot of describing. Consider letting the reader experience these things - the cresting and diving of the ship, the smell and taste of salt, the dampness and chill of the air, etc.
4. Decide what your story is about and what will convince a reader to stick with you. Give them a reason to continue. We call it a hook, but basically it is something that makes the reader want or need to find out more.
posted
Thank you for letting us read this. It can take some courage to start getting feedback at a place like this.
I'd agree with the two above's points, especially the need for a hook and the value of making the reader experience the story. It's always good, as an author, to try to consider how the reader reads. Usually they are trying to imagine things as they go. Too much description and the reader feels restricted in their imagination. Too little, and the reader feels adrift without any tangible structure for their imagination to jump from. Finding the right balance just takes experience, both writing and obtaining feedback. The odd how-to-write book helps too.
I rarely describe the looks of the POV character. If I do, it is usually for a reason, something that the story itself needs. The reason behind this quirk is that many readers actually put themselves into the place of the POV character, and describing the character's looks may actually distance the attachment that I am seeking to create. Perhaps it is something I need to do more because I have sometimes had feedback from some readers that they do want some description. If I do get such feedback, I then look for the reason they thought they needed it, and often it is something else that is missing. But usually I don't get such feedback. Overall, I believe that it is the actions and decisions of the characters that should be expressed - these are what are remembered. This article helped me to develop this quirk.
posted
First, thank you all for your replies. I looked over what I have written and made a few changes. After reading the article about character development i realized that in my first draft i had followed those steps but felt like I was vague. I went back to my original and made a few changes this time removing the young man's description. It is revised above.
I apologize for not following etiquette the first time. Thank you for the help.
[This message has been edited by James Creviston (edited October 08, 2010).]
posted
The first step is always the hardest when first soliciting feedback, kudos to you for taking it! Personally, I've gotten to the point where I would rather receive critical feedback then praising feedback, but I try to give both to others.
I second everything that has been said so far, particularly the comments about introducing your conflict and about the description. The read feels flat because little is happening.
Take a look at the first line:
quote:The sea spray felt cold against his face as he scanned the great blue horizon.
This is pretty passive, not much happening. What if instead you had something like this: "He blinked away the cold sea spray that stung his eyes as he scanned the great blue horizon."
It's not magical, but at least we are getting a concrete reaction to a stimulus here. Another example, off the cuff:
quote:The smell of the salty air was as refreshing to him as the mountain air was to a Virginian.
Again, it is somewhat passive, a lot of times if you see "was" in a sentence, it may be a sign the sentence is weak.
"James Archer inhaled the refreshing salty air."
Here, we introduce new information, his name, and show an action, instead of telling that the air refreshed him. I dropped the bit about mountain air because I don't think comparing two kinds of air isn't a strong comparison, and not everyone would be able to relate to a Virginian. I'd look for another comparison.
Another thing that can slow down the reading is describing things in more words than necessary:
quote:His father was the Captain of the USS Vantage. His father was set to be promoted to Admiral at the same time he was to graduate West Point.
Here, you start two sentences in a row with "his father." That's a clue that you can combine these two sentences into something like this:
"His father, Captain Whoever of the USS Vantage, would be promoted to Admiral at the same time James graduated from West Point."
This tells us more then the prior version (giving the captains name), with fewer words and in one sentence.
Just to leave on an encouraging note, I did like this:
quote:His eyes were a blue green, and many who saw them claimed that they could see the ocean in his eyes.
Also, your second version is better, too.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited October 08, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited October 08, 2010).]
posted
Just a little bit of Hatrack etiquette. If you revise, edit your original post, place the new 13 under your original, naming your original as Version 1 and your next efforts Version 2, Version 3 etc. That way, someone coming late to the discussion can see that you have some revisions and won’t attempt to comment on the first. For courtesy, put an additional reply stating that your next version is above (like you have done here, but without the new 13).
Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
They say third time is a charm. I hope you like the tweaks I made. I am hoping someone would like to read the entire story and give me the same kind of feedback. It is 4,281 word and eleven pages. Please let me know if you are interested.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi, James. I would be glad to give you a better critique than I can give you here. There are too many things to discuss here. I would be glad to read what you have already written. Please send it in an .rtf file.
I would love to read the full version of the story, and give a more thorough critique than what I would be able to do in this forum. So far, I agree with the others, there does need to be some kind of hook in these fist lines. I like the first paragraph, but I would really enjoy to see a little more of the story unfold in the second. The captain can always be introduced later on.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
