posted
Update. I've changed the premise a bit (cough). I've put a new opening as revision 2. If anyone wishes to read it (4500 words), let me know. Thanks.
"Why should some MD worrying about his tee time deliver me from the womb when I could do it myself?"
"Because he knows what he's doing?" asked Dr. Freece, a formerly high-strung fellow I'd turned stoic. He was my doctoral advisor.
"I could do it...be Mom's midwife and deliver myself."
"Weird and dangerous," he said. "Just a stunt."
"Wuss," I said, smiling. "It would look so cool on my resume--assisted my own birth."
"And this would look cool on a gravestone--Here lies Janice Bender: Darwin Award Winner."
He had a point. Time travel wasn't for crybabies.
* ***Revision 1 (added names and such): ***
"It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor, Dr. Freece. "Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
*** Original **** "It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor. Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Tried to give birth to myself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 12, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 22, 2010).]
posted
Like the idea (actually, I'mm a sucker for time travel.)
It seems a little removed at the start - perhaps it's because the doctoral advisor doesn't have a name. Neither does your POV character. Consider having them use each other's names from the start.
posted
I'm intrigued. Pretty bold beginning, IMHO. No beating about the bush or stage-setting. You just go for it. I like it. I'd definitely read on.
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posted
I agree that names would help, at least for the POV character. Very interesting. I'd keep reading.
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posted
Cool idea. I like it. Reminds me of my concept I posted a while back. I like the way you did it better. Posts: 365 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Thanks for the replies. I've made a revision, placed in the first post. It mostly corrects the defect of having no character names. (The MC's name is hidden in the fake effigy.)
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Osiris, thanks for your comments. My dictionary doesn't show that that word is loaded. It just means 'weak or ineffectual'. But it was just the built-in dictionary on a Macbook, so....
I meant the 'a girl just knows' bit as dry humor. Immediately after that is a clear admission that a biologist would be needed to answer the question.
posted
Oh, I'm not offended by the word wuss. I just think she'd come up with something more witty I guess I should have explained.
I think the 'a girl just knows stuff like that,' would work for me better if you used a more descriptive dialog tag. One of those rare cases where I think something that shows she is being flippant or dry. It did occur to me that she might be being dryly funny, but I wasn't sure.
posted
I'm intrigued by the premise, and I like the back-and-forth between Janice and Dr. Fleece.
I also would like to see Janice choose different ways to express "wuss" and "stuff like that" - maybe "lacked imagination" or "lacked a backbone" for "wuss" (depending on what exactly Janice finds weak and ineffectual about him)? And something along the lines of "A girl just knows," without the "stuff like that" tacked on, would work better for me.
I definitely got the dry humor in that line, by the way, when she followed it with the biologist comment. Very nice! And it tells the reader that Janice wants to look strong and in control, either because of her particular relationship with her advisor, or because she in general feels the need to look like she has all the answers, even when she (knows she) doesn't.
posted
I'm not worried about "wuss" because it is part of the voice of the narrator. It contains overtones of superiority, so is quite efficient in its message. Especially if the change by the end is a more humble person. Had it been third person, that would be a different story, but its not.
quote: "Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
Neat way to get her name in. However, to work for me, it needs to be split into two sentences or else it feels like the message (i.e. "I've a point to make") is being lost somewhat. Something like "Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself. Is that the gravestone you'd like?"
"It sounds really dangerous," said my doctoral advisor, Dr. Freece. "Your work has gotten lots of attention. Why piss it away to satisfy your curiosity? Do animal studies."
He was a wuss, but bright. I had to keep pushing him. "It would look so cool on my resume...Gave birth to myself."
"Here Lies Janice Bender: tried to give birth to herself would look cool on a gravestone, too."
He had a point. The quantum mechanics of time travel was easy. Keeping Mom's and my plasmas constantly swapping out in the temporal interstices would be tricky.
"If you survive, how would you know it worked?"
"A girl just knows stuff like that," I said. I'd need a biologist on the team for sure.
Not bad at all, except that it seems to be missing something. Something that makes it stronger- Could be just me.
For me "wuss" is okay, it gets the point across in just one word. After all he uses "pisses" which is along the same lines.
I think the "Mom's and my plasmas" line sounds funny. It's probably the correct way to say it and therefore you may not be able to find a better sounding way to say it.
posted
I enjoyed quite a bit. I think it will make a great read. As I read those first lines I immediately wanted to read more. Great hook and great story.
posted
I have a story, 4500 words, if anyone wants to read it.
Fair warning: I've changed the premise a bit. She's going back to deliver herself, as a midwife, rather than to give birth to herself. I was going for a character-oriented story, and the original premise would take some wild stretches of tech (which I haven't figured out, yet). May go back to the original premise someday soon for a separate story.
So, I hope any readers will base comments on the story I actually wrote, rather than the one pitched originally.
Thanks for all the comments.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 21, 2010).]
posted
Fantastic intro. You had me completely hooked.
I loved the quippy back and forth and your dialogue gave me a really good sense of your cheeky MC, as well as setting up intriguing conflict.
My only comment would be that this line - "asked Dr. Freece, a formerly high-strung fellow I'd turned stoic. He was my doctoral advisor." - made me stumble a little. I'd cut the description of him and leave that for later as it interrupts the flow of your beautifully crafted dialogue, which brought a HUGE smile to my face. Simply brilliant.
posted
Hi WouldBe. If you need eyes on your second draft I'd be happy to take a look if you don't need it back right away.
Posts: 291 | Registered: Jun 2010
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