Alone in her crib she contemplated the constellations on her ceiling and listened to the noises of the household winding down.Swishety swishety. Dad brushed his teeth.Rustle, clang clang. Mom put the dogs to bed in their kennels.

Finally, the wild baby heard the lamp click off in Mom and Dad's room. She counted to three hundred, then stood up and deftly swung over the side of the crib. She landed in a crouch on the balls of her feet and stopped to listen. Mom was already snoring. The wild baby tiptoed out the door.

This is mostly just for fun, to read to my daughter when she's a bit older, but I'm curious, does it hook you as an adult? Would you condider reading on or sharing it with an older child?

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited January 13, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited January 13, 2011).]

My only niggle is with "Mom" and "Dad." At first, I thought perhaps the narrator was a brother or sister to the wild baby. Then it became clear the narrator is outside the story, and I supposed it was, to the wild baby, just like calling one's alien abductors Xjarflk and Rugtdswf: simply the appellations by which those two creatures are known. I like that; I like that a lot--the idea of "Mom" and "Dad" being no more than an emotionless collection of sounds to the wild baby.

Only, those two words are so infused with meaning to me that I keep forgetting to hear them the way the wild baby hears them, and it keeps pulling me out of the story.

Possibly I'd get over it as I read on, and let me repeat that I LOVE the juxtaposition of those two meaning-endowed words with the meaninglessness they hold for the wild baby. So I'm very reluctant to suggest you change them...but I wanted to mention it.

I think something more child-like would be appropriate for the parents tags, like "mama" and "papa" or "da-da" because this is what the parents would probably teach the child to call them. With my son, we taught him to call mom 'mama' and dad (thats me!) 'papa'.

The baby is very odd too. Quite a lot of mystery in those few lines. I think you got the tone right -- it all sounds so NORMAL, until the lights go out.....

So far, I think it's as much an adult's read as a child's tale. My first impression is that the wild baby is possibly a bit evil, as she's certainly well-versed in deliberate deception.

I think Mom and Dad are okay to use -- they're like "said", generic enough not to draw attention to the words. "Mama" brings a nuance of affection, which may not fit.

I chose "Mom and Dad" without thinking, because although the wild baby is <6m old, her POV is more like that of an elementary school child (but with less life experience and perhaps a better vocabulary). She is supposed to be highly unusual, so I'm glad that came through.

I wasn't deliberatley trying to paint the parents as abstractions, just demonstrate that the baby was able to interpret the sounds she heard, so it's interesting that most of you read it that way. I'll have to ponder that one too.

@KayTi: I'll have to find that "Boss Baby" book. It's sounds like a fun one.

I'm just about finished the draft, 1400 words currently. Anyone interested in reading once I'm done? I'd be willing to swap something of a similar length if you're not in a hurry.

I'm attempting two different drafts of this. One is at a higher reading level and contains references that young children would deffinitely not 'get'. The other has simpler vocabulary, shorter sentances etc.

Thanks demzai and Mat. When I finish up I'll let you know.