posted
Once upon a time, in a land where animals, for no explained reason, could speak, and this, for no explained reason, didn’t freak anyone out, there lived a turtle named Hector who liked to smoke pot. It was a lovely pot. Red stone, warm. Being a turtle within a shell within a pot, well, it just felt right. Natural. But then, later, when the human pulled Hector from the pot, with smoke billowing around him, something very unsightly happened. The human, a grown man in long purple robe, would lick the turtle’s shell. This made Hector feel very uncomfortable. Some might say violated. It was always the coming off the pot that Hector didn’t like.
I'm only looking for comments for the first thirteen. Thanks! ~Sheena
posted
I have absolutely no idea what this story is about or where it is going, but it made me laugh - so of course I would read more!
Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2011
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posted
I was sold on the first sentence as well. Only I got hung up thereafter on whether he was in a pot, or whether he was smoking pot, and whether the two should be differentiated so I don't get confused.
I'd still read on to see where it's going, but am still bothered by the pot vs pot question.
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shimiqua, I loved it. Please, oh please, tell me what you were smoking when you wrote this! I want some!
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I thought it was very funny. I would continue reading.
I have one suggestion:
Consider changing "...who liked to smoke pot" to "...who liked smoking pot." This changes "smoking" to either an adjective or a verb and is a better setup for the next sentence. It also gets rid of the infinitive (to smoke).
posted
I agree with philo and melinda. "Smoke pot" does give a false impression, and really doesn't make literal sense.
Maybe something like this:
Once upon a time, in a land where animals, for no explained reason, could speak, and this, for no explained reason, didn’t freak anyone out, there lived a turtle named Hector who loved to indulge in the pleasures of pot smoking.(Ugh! Clunky!) Hector was partial to one pot in particular, a lovely one fashioned from warm, red stone...
Or something like that. I'm trying to come up with a way to phrase it without losing the double meaning. Still love it, though
posted
Didn't mean to rewrite your stuff, shimiqua. Maybe I'm being too danged literal. Yours reads much better.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I have the same issue with the false promise of the smoke pot. I liked the idea of changing it to smoking pot, but when I put it in the sentence, it ruined the rhythm of the sentence, which is where the humor comes from.
But how about this...
Once upon a time, in a land where animals, for no explained reason, could speak, and this, for no explained reason, didn’t freak anyone out, there lived a turtle named Hector who liked to smoke pot. It was a lovely smoke pot. Red stone, warm. Being a turtle within a shell within a pot, well, it just felt right. Natural. But then, later, when the human pulled Hector from the pot, with smoke billowing around him, something very unsightly happened. The human, a grown man in long purple robe, would lick the turtle’s shell. This made Hector feel very uncomfortable. Some might say violated. It was always the coming off the pot that Hector didn’t like.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited January 14, 2011).]
posted
I too, think this is humorous, but I have absolutely no idea what is happening. I tried licking a turtle to find out, but the only thing I got was a reprimand from the pet store owner.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2011
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posted
Dang, you're lucky. I tried licking a turtle and came down with salmonella!
Sometimes we try too hard to be too literal, because that's what the Grammar Police have taught us We Must Do... but generally the casual approach reads easier in the mind's ear. So... I'd leave the pot nonsense as it is. (And it sure does put us on notice that everything we read will be turned 90 degrees by the second time we see it!)
posted
Not all turtles are sea turtles. There are many fresh water turtles, semi-aquatic and semi-terrestrial turtles (marsh and swamp dwellers) and even terrestrial turtles; the common eastern box turtle lives most of its life in leaf litter. What people call these animals depends on where the people live, not on phylogheny. Capisca? I think the confusion between dope and pottery is part of what makes this work.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2011
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