posted
Hi, first post so not quite sure how this works but I was hoping for some feedback on the intro to my story "Pretty Pretty Things". Personally, I like it alright(kinda slow) but if it doesn't work for you at all, feel free to let me know . Also, not sure how people generally format their stuff here so might be messy.
Doc speaks slow, like I'm as dumb as he thinks I look.
"Initiation into the colony is strictly controlled. To know that other people feel the same as we do is one thing. The key is to believe. Someday, society, itself, will weed out the truly ego-centric man. Until then, we have our little tests."
He takes a sip of coffee as dark as he is, a man sporting that eroded look common in weather-beaten migrants to alien climes.
"Your government likes to burden us with their waste. Cast offs from a flawed and decadent civilization. So we ask ourselves, what to do?"
He gestures stiffly, movements that mimic savage warfare against an over-starched shirt and hostile tie.
He says, "Here's this device here, lord knows how it works,
Arnen123
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2011).]
posted
I'm not usually a big fan of first person present, but this kind of works for me. It reminds me of a cross between Do Androids Dream... and "Flowers for Algernon".
The first sentence is good, a little awkward in the "as he thinks I look" part, but not enough for me to suggest a change. Some minor nits: Too many commas in the "Someday, society,..." sentence. The word "egocentric" is not hyphenated. The word(s) "Cast-offs" should be hyphenated. Very minor, probably not worth changing - "...ourselves - What to do?" or "...ourselves - What are we to do?"
I really like the nuance and the style - definitely has a voice. I liked the use of slang - "climes" - gives a sense of depth. I liked the "savage warfare" metaphor.
One problem - I feel the hook is VERY weak. I would keep reading for the writing (so far), but I would be really disappointed if this turns into "Blue Skies on Mars", i.e. Total Recall.
posted
I wouldn't rewrite it, except for the minor grammar stuff and the last line. You have this excellent build-up and then this doctor, who has been taking dialogue lessons from Bela Lugosi, suddenly says, "We've got this thing. Don't know what it is. Don't know what it does." It was like the director of Dracula stepped off the set and Ed Wood suddenly crawled into the director's chair. No offense.
The line probably gets better after the comma, but it needs a better start.
quote:I wouldn't rewrite it, except for the minor grammar stuff and the last line.
I agree, the hook is good. Also, the last line does seem oddly out of character for the Doctor's speech in early dialogue.
The first line:
quote: Doc speaks slow, like I'm as dumb as he thinks I look.
Originally I thought you should change this to "Doc speaks slow, like he thinks I'm as dumb as I look." but then I realized that changes the whole meaning of the sentence.
So, though the line is awkward at first read, I think it is fine. It didn't give me pause enough to interrupt my reading.
posted
I think you have a killer style. Hook or no hook, I'd keep on reading because your style is that good, IMHO.
I love the voice, love the way you get in details ("coffee as dark as he is").
You do indeed have a few punctuationish problems, but your editor will fix those. I wouldn't expect to see them in the final story, so I'm not letting them distract me here (but if they did appear in the final version, they would be very distracting). Also, you've gotten good feedback on those errors already.
My opinion (take it FWIW, because I'm not published yet, either): finish this, get someone to help you edit out the mistakes, and send it to Clarkesworld.
posted
Style is wonderful, but you really will have to focus on language precision to pull it off. I don't think relying on an editor to fix grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes is sufficient.
The first person present and first line (Doc speaks slow) immediately slows the reading pace, which should drive a minimilistic approach - no wasted or flowery words to further slow it down.
Also, this is currently suffering from white-room syndrome. Are we on a spaceship? In an office on earth? Sitting on a grassy knoll having a picnic?
The first line is perfect for your style, and sets the appropriate pace. Prose and description are great. Some of the dialog seems a bit off. For example, the doc is talking down to the mc like he's dumb, but then makes the statement that he is clueless how the device works.
Overall, great promise. Better than my writing - just make sure to focus on the language precision and grammar.
posted
As a mostly-non-fan of first-person, I liked this passage.
One thing I'll mention (and, keep in mind, this is based on my preferences of seeing some action early on): this is essentially a scene of two people talking...although, I didn't really notice that point on my first read-through because the "He gestures stiffly..." line suggested additional action that my mind just assumed (in this case, my mind imagined what kind of 'savage warfare' this guy might have been involved in, which in turn painted a more descriptive visual picture of him, etc.).
posted
I love that first line. It took me an extra half-second to let it coalesce in my mind, as well, but when it did it made me smile. Nice use of a familiar phrase in an unfamiliar form.
Two nit-picks: 1. You start *all* of your non-dialog sentences with Doc or He. Makes the story seem to stomp a bit; clumsy. Though that could also add to the feel of the narrating character, if he's supposed to feel a bit . . . deliberate (plodding?), then it works. Otherwise, it's a bit stiff.
2. "He gestures stiffly"--is he actually "gesturing," as in indicating something or adding a bit of non-verbal communication? Or, as my understanding of the "warfare against his shirt and tie" bit, is he more just adjusting his clothes? It's an *excellent* little metaphor, just the use of the word "gesture" has me second-guessing myself.
And I concur on his break of speech pattern. Sounds like a hick all of a sudden, "this device here."
I'd definitely read on, though. Certainly an engaging writing style, and bitty little hints at conflict and setting that have me curious.
[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited February 24, 2011).]
posted
Thanks guys and gals. Very helpful. I'm trying out a different intro in a different post where I'm asking people to read my whole story. So far, consensus is new intro is not as good...hmm. Also, I've never bothered to learn proper grammar so... . That's not even really a joke, haha.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Feb 2011
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