Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » SF - possible WotF

   
Author Topic: SF - possible WotF
NoTimeToThink
Member
Member # 5174

 - posted      Profile for NoTimeToThink   Email NoTimeToThink         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
ok - 3800 words, sf, might submit to WotF, so following conventions about title. Looking for feedback on the first 13 and readers for the completed story.

Also - I don't remember - what is the convention for representing thoughts? I'm using italics, but I think I'm supposed to do something different.

Revised first 13:

Jimmy paced around the operating chair. He’d lose his badge if they caught him doing this. But he’d lose it if he didn’t. He pulled out his cigarettes, then remembered where he was and stuffed them back in his pocket. Funny. They were about to illegally jack him, but smoke in here and he’d really catch hell.
Dr. Yon came in.
“Have a seat, Mr. Delaney,” he said as he busied himself with a hypo. “Will there be any further questions before we begin?”
“Yeah, Doc. When the jack is in…”
“Jack is such a distasteful word. The proper term is AugMentor.”
“Okay. Will anyone be able to watch what I’ve been doing?”
“That would only be possible with an AugMonitor, such as those

Original First 13:

The nurse closed the door behind her, and Jimmy was alone. I’ll lose my badge if they catch me doing this. Hell, I’ll lose it if I don’t. No way I can keep up without some help. Why can’t Jill see I don’t have no choice?
He started pacing the room, wishing he could light up. Funny. They’re about to illegally jack me, but smoke in here and I’ll really be in trouble.
Dr. Yon came in.
“Have a seat, Mr. Delaney,” he said as he busied himself with a hypo. “Will there be any questions before we begin?”
“Yeah, Doc. When the jack is in…”
“Jack is such a distasteful word. The proper term is AugMentor.”
“Okay. Will anyone be able to see what I’ve been doing?”

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited March 20, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited March 27, 2011).]


Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Wordcaster
Member
Member # 9183

 - posted      Profile for Wordcaster   Email Wordcaster         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Skadder won in WOTF 26 and he uses italics for thoughts (as do other good writers). I personally don't prefer them, unless special emphasis is required.

With that being said, can you start with action instead of a cloud of thoughts? Perhaps start when the doctor comes in? The nurse closing the door is not significant to the story and it occupies the pole position in your 13.


Posts: 475 | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JenniferHicks
Member
Member # 8201

 - posted      Profile for JenniferHicks   Email JenniferHicks         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't think where you're starting is a problem. However, I agree with Wordcaster that you should avoid a lot of internal dialogue so early in the story. It's too telling. Instead, I suggest you show what Jimmy is doing and use that as a way to communicate his anxiety.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
starsin
Member
Member # 4081

 - posted      Profile for starsin   Email starsin         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm lame like this, but I agree with Wordcaster and Jennifer. You're starting in a good place, but show, not tell. I have a big problem with this too which possibly is why I notice it so much in other writers. Perhaps an idea you could implement is showing his nervousness with something like fidgeting or something like that...but yeah. You've got a good spot to start off at, just we don't really need to know what he's thinking. My two cents...
Posts: 117 | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philocinemas
Member
Member # 8108

 - posted      Profile for philocinemas   Email philocinemas         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think the problem with the italicized thoughts is that it feels like you are double-dipping with dialogue. Consider using voice instead of internal thoughts:

"He'd lose his badge if they caught him doing this. Hell, he'd lose it if he didn't..."

I also tend to like more narration at the beginning of a story to give some idea of time and place.


Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NoTimeToThink
Member
Member # 5174

 - posted      Profile for NoTimeToThink   Email NoTimeToThink         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanx for the input - I've posted a revised first 13 in the original topic post. Looking for crits on the first 13 and readers for the finised story (3700 words.)
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree. I try and avoid direct thoughts where possible now. I wrote my WOTF winner in August 2008 and my style has changed slightly.

I do use direct thoughts still, but only when I have to, and I'd probably italicize them.


Posts: 2987 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philocinemas
Member
Member # 8108

 - posted      Profile for philocinemas   Email philocinemas         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This has an A Scanner Darkly feel to it, so you should definitely make your story unique somehow. Otherwise, your opening works, but I'm not quite hooked YET. However, I'm afraid I don't have time to read it right now - I have a few other critiquing commitments and a WOTF submission to clean up.

One comment:

The - Dr. Yon came in. - line seems wasted. I'm not sure how this falls in 12pt font, but I'd suggest you use it as a beat at the beginning of your dialogue line.


Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2