ok - 3800 words, sf, might submit to WotF, so following conventions about title. Looking for feedback on the first 13 and readers for the completed story.
Also - I don't remember - what is the convention for representing thoughts? I'm using italics, but I think I'm supposed to do something different.
Revised first 13:
Jimmy paced around the operating chair. He’d lose his badge if they caught him doing this. But he’d lose it if he didn’t. He pulled out his cigarettes, then remembered where he was and stuffed them back in his pocket. Funny. They were about to illegally jack him, but smoke in here and he’d really catch hell. Dr. Yon came in. “Have a seat, Mr. Delaney,” he said as he busied himself with a hypo. “Will there be any further questions before we begin?” “Yeah, Doc. When the jack is in…” “Jack is such a distasteful word. The proper term is AugMentor.” “Okay. Will anyone be able to watch what I’ve been doing?” “That would only be possible with an AugMonitor, such as those
Original First 13:
The nurse closed the door behind her, and Jimmy was alone. I’ll lose my badge if they catch me doing this. Hell, I’ll lose it if I don’t. No way I can keep up without some help. Why can’t Jill see I don’t have no choice? He started pacing the room, wishing he could light up. Funny. They’re about to illegally jack me, but smoke in here and I’ll really be in trouble. Dr. Yon came in. “Have a seat, Mr. Delaney,” he said as he busied himself with a hypo. “Will there be any questions before we begin?” “Yeah, Doc. When the jack is in…” “Jack is such a distasteful word. The proper term is AugMentor.” “Okay. Will anyone be able to see what I’ve been doing?”
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited March 20, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited March 27, 2011).]
Skadder won in WOTF 26 and he uses italics for thoughts (as do other good writers). I personally don't prefer them, unless special emphasis is required.
With that being said, can you start with action instead of a cloud of thoughts? Perhaps start when the doctor comes in? The nurse closing the door is not significant to the story and it occupies the pole position in your 13.
I don't think where you're starting is a problem. However, I agree with Wordcaster that you should avoid a lot of internal dialogue so early in the story. It's too telling. Instead, I suggest you show what Jimmy is doing and use that as a way to communicate his anxiety.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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I'm lame like this, but I agree with Wordcaster and Jennifer. You're starting in a good place, but show, not tell. I have a big problem with this too which possibly is why I notice it so much in other writers. Perhaps an idea you could implement is showing his nervousness with something like fidgeting or something like that...but yeah. You've got a good spot to start off at, just we don't really need to know what he's thinking. My two cents...
Posts: 117 | Registered: Oct 2006
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Thanx for the input - I've posted a revised first 13 in the original topic post. Looking for crits on the first 13 and readers for the finised story (3700 words.)
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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This has an A Scanner Darkly feel to it, so you should definitely make your story unique somehow. Otherwise, your opening works, but I'm not quite hooked YET. However, I'm afraid I don't have time to read it right now - I have a few other critiquing commitments and a WOTF submission to clean up.
The - Dr. Yon came in. - line seems wasted. I'm not sure how this falls in 12pt font, but I'd suggest you use it as a beat at the beginning of your dialogue line.