posted
Not really sure how ratings work as they tend to be very subjective. Indirect violence/mild gore? Lighter than "Kingsmeat"-level I guess, as this is an OSC forum.
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It was the first word Hardface learned, the first word any human learned. It was a verb, a noun, a command. There were some earlier memories from the Making Place, fuzzy images that were difficult to recall without the context of an existing language. The only other human he saw then was his silent Maker, a half-remembered face looking down on him as he suckled from breasts hanging beneath a scarred throat, occasionally glancing for approval at the towering Shinies that watched. Sometimes she would stay with him after he had eaten, cradling him in rough blankets on the straw, soothing him to sleep with a hissing, whispering lullaby. Sometimes the face would change, but she wore the green, and that’s how he knew her.
One day his Maker did not come. A Shiny entered with a bowl of
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I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, with one editing pass. I'm letting it stew for a while as I write some other stories and try to get some experience and feedback. I'm interested in full length critiques in addition to anything horrid in the first 13. I'm scanning the board looking for shorts to review myself, but if you have one to swap I'll gladly look it over; keep in mind I'm a newbie to this. Thanks.
Edited because I'm actually looking for stories to review instead of just fishing for readers with this one.
[This message has been edited by muranternet (edited March 22, 2011).]
You can't tease us by withholding it. If it's supposed to be apparent, than you lost me already. If your opening hinges on a single word, than open with it. I couldn't get into the rest of opening without knowing it.
posted
It's the title of the piece in the subject line. I guess I can resubmit 13 lines with the first line being the title.
Edit: ----- Do It was the first word Hardface learned, the first word any human learned. It was a verb, a noun, a command. There were some earlier memories from the Making Place, fuzzy images that were difficult to recall without the context of an existing language. The only other human he saw then was his silent Maker, a half-remembered face looking down on him as he suckled from breasts hanging beneath a scarred throat, occasionally glancing for approval at the towering Shinies that watched. Sometimes she would stay with him after he had eaten, cradling him in rough blankets on the straw, soothing him to sleep with a hissing, whispering lullaby. Sometimes the face would change, but she wore the green, and that’s how he knew her. -----
[This message has been edited by muranternet (edited March 23, 2011).]
I recommended you open your story with Do. Italicize it for emphasis.
quote:Do It was the first word Hardface learned, the first word any human learned. It was a verb, a noun, a command.
This isn't a bad way to open but it kind of stops, halting momentum that was building. I think you should build on it, not much. Perhaps a sentence of two more to highlight the gravity and meaning of the word in your protag's pysche.
The rest is very interesting but is it memories? Would the protag remember events which appear to be the first month of his life? This may require a more distant pov. Not sure.
posted
I think you mean the second passive voice sentence stops momentum, right? I'm not sure how to fix it in light of the followup; I think in the first draft I had either "imperative," "order," or a modifier for the word "command," but I couldn't think of one that wasn't clunky (unrefusable/irrefusable, undeniable, etc. all sound terrible in context). Maybe a bad structure would work better, e.g. "Verb, noun, will of the masters, all at once in that single syllable." Bad sentence but maybe okay for prose?
I think putting the title in quotes might make things clearer in a MS form.
quote:I think you mean the second passive voice sentence stops momentum, right?
Not at all. I like that second line. You need to build on it, emphasize what the meaning of the word is to a human, even at the earliest of age. Let me give you an idea what I mean.
Do. It was the first word every human learned. It was a verb, a noun, a command. It served as every persons generic name, as the task every master wanted done, and the acknowledgement that you still mattered. Do implied you still had value. There was no don't.
JUst an idea. Don't know if it fits your story but maybe it will help.
posted
Ah okay. Thanks for the clarification. There is some expansion on it later on, but before the first line break, though I like the idea of dwelling on it in the first 13. I'll play with the concept.
[This message has been edited by muranternet (edited March 23, 2011).]
posted
Yeah I tend to mess that up. One of my family members once declared war on all forms of "to be" and the influence stuck. :P Thanks.
Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2011
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posted
Please recognize that it isn't "to be" that makes a sentence passive.
What makes a sentence passive is that the subject of the sentence, which is ordinarily the ACTOR in the sentence is made to be the THING ACTED UPON. The word "by" is more likely to make a sentence passive.
The dog bit the man. Active
The man was bitten BY the dog. Passive
The dog was bitten back BY the man in retaliation. Passive
posted
Okay, you've tickled my fancy. I'm interested to find out what species this...character is. I know human is mentioned, but the first 13 doesn't have a human feel to it. I'd like to know more about what's happening. In other words, you've hooked me. Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2011
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posted
KDW: Is there a better technical term for "to be" as a passive descriptor (i.e. telling instead of showing) as opposed to passive voice? I think in my brain I just drop them in the same outbox.
I. I hear "To be" a. The car was red. b. The car was sprayed by the paintgun. II. A hybrid voice (my dad and cartoon James Hetfield) says "Passive BAD!" III. I output "passive voice" for both cases IV. Smarter people than I point this out
posted
It is not the use of 'be' that is the problem with passive voice. You actually use a form of it six times in this opening, including the contraction. Be is a linking verb and not an action verb, so this may be where your confusion lies. 'Be' will typically be a marker for places in your story that lack action. Otherwise, you can possibly eliminate the 'be' to make the action more direct. However, not having action at certain times is not necessarily bad.
Passive voice is all about WHO is doing the action. The key to recognizing it is the word that follows the 'be' - 'to be given', 'is hooked', 'was shot', 'will be driven', etc.
The second word in all of these are a form of past tense. If you can place a real or imaginary 'by' after the second word, then it is a passive sentence.
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