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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Metabolized City

   
Author Topic: The Metabolized City
Aaron White
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A short story, 3900 words. I'd be happy to send the whole thing to whomever wishes to read and respond to it.
***

Regarding cities: There are five.
Gluster, the First City, founded by Gluster himself; icy, but warmed by friendly firefrogs.
Crambos, founded by Cram, the Maiden on the Waters; she built a dry dock city, then blessed it with the River Strenmum, which flowed forth from her own body.
Butambos, founded by Butamb the Exception, who violated seven laws, then dedicated his city to the very laws he’d transgressed.
Feenlun, founded by Felia, the Autumnal Queen, whose city boasts more trees than shoes and more birds than words.
Until the past year there was Pamapados.

[This message has been edited by Aaron White (edited April 01, 2011).]


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babooher
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Send it to me. It sounds oddly interesting even though it doesn't have what I generally look for in an opening.
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Osiris
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I like the title, and the last line sort of hooks me. It does promise for an interesting world. What is missing for me is any notion of who the characters are, or rather, if these city founders are the characters of the story, or the cities themselves, or if all that is historical background for the story.

I'm not sure how I feel about the city names, they all seem to be derived from the names of their founders, which makes the founders seem all narcissistic, which I'm not sure if thats how you want the reader to view them, or if it even matters to your story.

I'd read on a bit to find out what kind of story this is.

[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited April 01, 2011).]


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Aaron White
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FWIW according to a historical essay I recently read, in ancient Greece it was widely believed that every city was founded by a hero or heroine, and each city had its founding legend.

Babooher, I'll send a copy soon!


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EVOC
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Its not was I would normally call a strong hook, but it actually works for me. I think its the last line that sells it best... don't change that.

I will look over the whole story, send it over.


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NoTimeToThink
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Looks like you probably have an interesting world charted to have a story set in - but so far no story.
Who is relating this information? Why? Perhaps it would be better to start off by showing us someone's POV...

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