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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Traveling-- first 13

   
Author Topic: Traveling-- first 13
OlsenOlsen
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Traveling is the working title, it's most likely going to change. Anyway, here's the first 13, thanks for reading.

I feel as if I have lived a thousand lives. It came naturally, really, as if I believed my sole purpose in life was to sit and wait on a rusty old bench and watch every single life pass by. Sometimes it would be a quick transition, sometimes it would be a long one, either way, I watched the people stand upon that platform of the train station and hop on a train time and time again. Sitting there became a routine, but a life of routine isn’t really a routine at all. In fact, it really isn’t a life at all. That’s why I had forgotten why I sat there; a little boy woke me up and made me remember months ago.
“Mister?” asked the little boy.
“Well how do you do?” I asked.


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jeffrey.hite
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Olsen,
I am going to say that I am almost hooked. I would probably give your story another page or two.
My first thought was, oh it is an immortal story. Then as I read further I thought, ok well maybe not. By the end I was really confused. Had he really been sitting there a thousand lives or was that really just a figure of speech? I am guessing that he never left so he never had to eat or sleep. Was he watching for someone to get on or off the train? Does he know why he was there in the first place? All things that I would like to know in the next page or so.
But back to the first 13. I like the imagery of the people getting on and off and of the days / weeks / months / even years melting into one another until he had forgotten why he was there in the first place, but I don't know if it was really enough to get me in.
I would replace the last two lines of dialouge, especially if the actual words conversation with the little boy are not important. replace it with something like, "He had asked me a simple question, so simple I had forgotten to ask it myself, Why are you here?"

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tripper
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I agree with Jeffrey, I'm almost hooked. The idea is very interesting, and I love the way you describe the MC almost getting lost in watching lives pass him by. A few punctuation fixes in the description could make it sing.

The only real problem for me was that I felt like the dialogue was jarring, in that it seemed to be simplistic compared to your introspective of the MC. Not that I think simple dialogue isn't good; I just wanted a little more description, or more of a smooth transition into the dialogue. For an abrupt change like that, it seems some sort of a break would be best, but then it wouldn't fit in your first 13, so I'm not sure. Maybe think about whether the dialogue needs to be in your first 13 at all?


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