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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Quarantine

   
Author Topic: Quarantine
rabirch
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I wrote this story as a Story-in-a-Day challenge, and I'd love to get some feedback on it. Comments on the first 13 would be great, but I'm also hoping to get some folks to read the full story. It's a hair over 5,000 words. I guess I'd call it sci-fi, sort of post-apocalyptic.

****

Dar ducked out the door of the Road's End Motel, just managing not to slam it behind him. No matter how much the refugee kids worked on his nerves, he tried not scare them by showing them the anger simmering under the confident mask he wore in their presence.

The late summer night was humid, but at least outdoors a breath of wind stirred the soup. Dar wrinkled his nose and rubbed his stubbled chin. The smell of corpses still hung in the air. No matter how many he buried, the kids still found more on their scouting rounds. It couldn't last forever. Soon there'd be nothing left to bury but bones, and he didn't think it would be worth the effort.

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History
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Would you consider, as a stronger hook, starting with:

The smell of corpses still hung in the air. No matter how many he buried, the kids still found more on their scouting rounds. It couldn't last forever. Soon there'd be nothing left to bury but bones, and he didn't think it would be worth the effort.

This is where you finally grabbed me. It would be better, in my humble opinion, to begin here.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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rabirch
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Thank you for your feedback, Dr. Bob.
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Denevius
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i'll take a look if you're looking for readers. just email it whenever.
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rabirch
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I've sent it your way, Denevius. Thanks for taking a look.
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Denevius
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No problem. I'll get it back to as pretty quick.
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babooher
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I'll read.
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rabirch
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Thanks, Babooher, it should be in your inbox.
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