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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Last minute WOTF entry

   
Author Topic: Last minute WOTF entry
Brendan
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Hey guys, looking for last minute feedback for my WOTF entry. It is a trunk story, so some may have seen it before, but it's beginning has been greatly changed. It's in the genre of science fiction. So, I'm primarily looking for readers who can get it back to me in a couple of days. It's just under 6000 words.

Perigee and Apogee

The emotions came first – they always did. That sense of awe, amazement, even the thrill of discovery swept waves across my shoulders and down into my chest. I glanced at Jean, who was nestled on her couch next to the large front window. She seemed pretty pleased, too.

“Dan, we’ve done it. We’re actually out there. In space,” she said.

“Well, technically we haven’t left this office,” I replied. “So far only our emotions have been into space.”

She poked out her tongue at me.

“But the fact we feel any emotion means we’ve survived, that we’re out there right now,” she said. She unhooked the wires from her head and slid off the couch. “Are you coming to the

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History
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I apologize that I cannot help this time, Brendan.
We've got family for Passover, and we're short-staffed at work since my partner's father just passed away. However, I read your opening 13 and my reaction is that you could cut some of it and need to clarify the story a little bit.

Shorter sentences for this emotional scene may better convey the thrill your characters feel in "being" in space.

Sentence one: Fine

Sentence two: Shorten. Make him near speechless with the feeling. Perhaps cut everything after "amazement" and replace with an ellipsis ("...").

Sentence three. Break in two. "...Jean. She was..."

Sentence four: Weak. SHOW me how she's "pleased." Is her vision of starlight glinting in her eyes? Are the edges of her mouth drawn so far up that it seemed her whole body will rise her smile? Are her lips parted in awe?

Sentence five: Fine.

Sentence six and seven : They're "here" not "there{/I], right? Even if it is just the [I]emotional sensation (which I like as your hook/story, btw). Perhaps omit "actually out there" and combine with sentence seven "We're in space!" The experience is so real she forgets she is not actually in space.

The remainder: I do like that she pokes out her tongue. This resonates with her childlike awe at the emotional experience. It also suggests your characters are young, playful. I surmise they are young adults.

I do not fully understand: “But the fact we feel any emotion means we’ve survived, that we’re out there right now,” she said. She unhooked the wires from her head and slid off the couch. “ (remove extra space between period and end-quotation). You haven't stated it, but I am imagining a James Cameron [I]Avatar[/b] plot. If so, to avoid confusion, I'd suggest clarifying this earlier.

Best of luck with this.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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pidream
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Send it along. I'd be happy to give it read in the next few days, but if you looking for grammar help. I might let you down.
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babooher
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Send it along. I'm on vacation and can read it.
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genevive42
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Send it here, I'll get to it right away.
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Brendan
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Thanks guys, sent to it you.

Thanks also to you Dr. Bob, that has led to some changes. As it is, you'd probably be bored reading this old story again. [Smile] As for the concept of the story, it is a bit like Avatar, but moving a step further into utilising and merging time-delayed/distorted, parallel streams of conciousness. Sean Williams explored similar ideas in Saturn Returns, as did David Brin in Kiln People. I hope the constraints I put on the ideas make my take a bit unique.

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