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Author Topic: Momentum
Denevius
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[ October 25, 2014, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Denevius
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I'm submitting to a magazine that has fairly strict guidelines to what it wants, so the other short story I was doing isn't going to work. This opening is of a pice I'm beginning now. Any and all comments appreciated!
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extrinsic
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Prose grammar is part of and distinct from Standard Written English grammar, different from formal composition--with its own manifold derivatives and quirks--different from journalism of whatever category, from off-the-cuff gossip-talk television. Submission screeners quickly learn to distinguish a given grammar from a prose grammar; screen a few dozen or hundred or thousand manuscripts, a screener soon, at least instinctively, recognizes differences, maybe develops a capacity to appreciate and distinguish when-, where- what-, why-, and how-fors of prose grammar--the principles like show and tell.

A recent Writing Discussion thread asked what makes a narrative important. A number of answers implied an audience's approval makes a narrative important, because a narrative appeals to the audience on a deep level as well as other levels. A related question asks what distinguishes an unimportant narrative from an important one. Besides intellectual distance's topical appeals--related to emotional and aesthetic distances, different from narrative and psychic distances: a distinguishable prose grammar, a fresh voice, so to speak, distinguishes an important narrative from an unimportant one. A distinctive voice signals a distinguishable craft proficiency and vice versa. The two work hand-in-hand and are inseparable and crucial for publication success.

A common characteristic of non-prose (and non-poetry) composition is its directness, its de dicto: of the word; not-open to subjective interpretation, its impersonalness from rigid subjectivity avoidance and overt, blunt objectivity. Prose grammar is personal, intimate, indirect, digressive, subjective. SWE grammar principles nonetheless apply, though with a poetic rhetorical flair for options, variants, exceptions, otherwise vices' transformatively transcendent virtues for the sake of subjectivity expression.

The importance of subjectivity on a fundamental level derives from how subjectivity engages readers' intellects in order to engage their imaginations and thus emotionally invest them in a narrative's reality imitation, the all-important participation mystique spell. The slightest mental effort to understand a narrative's circumstances engages readers intellects, imaginations, and tension effects: empathy or sympathy, or both, and curiosity, respectively, and in that order.

However, general readers are usually oblivious to their intellectual engagement--except as concerns, say, urban fantasy intellectually attracts and stimulates urban fantasy readers--and readers generally unaware their imaginations are stimulated. Maybe many are unaware their emotions are also stimulated, too. Sympathy, empathy, curiosity, tension's reader effects, are emotions. This breaks down reader effect into its first principles: engage readers' intellects, engage their imaginations; engage their imaginations, engage their emotions.

By default, readers generally expect first-person prose narration to be subjective. Subjectivity is a given for first-person narrators: from trustworthy and honest subjectivity though personally objective to unreliably subjective. Third-person prose narration generally poses as objective, unbiased, reliable portrayal--the voice's strength; however, third person subjectivity varies from minor to major as much as first person.

The axis of objectivity-subjectivity engages readers' intellects first, though subtly and likely beneath conscious notice. To speak of a hook, the hook is not the superficial, direct, tangible action of, say, a crow delivers a written message, but the emotional stimulus relevance and its personal, subjective significance to a viewpoint persona--narrator or agonist character; Marco in this fragment's case.

Objective subjectivity or subjective objectivity: catch-22, double bind, paradox. Neither objective subjectivity nor subjective objectivity is exclusive to first person or third person, only that first person naturally signals its subjectivity and third person naturally signals its objectivity.

Overall, this start fragment to me tells the events and action too objectively directly, not open to interpretation or intellectual engagement.

"A sharp caw from a crow circling above the alley drew Marco’s gaze upwards." No subjectivity, not open to interpretation, question, or challenge, no engagement intellectual, imagination, nor emotional. Likewise the fragment remainder. Direct, objective, flat, lackluster, bland narrative; formal composition grammar; non-subjective, non-prose grammar.

Prose grammar concerns:

Indefinite article "A" starts the fragment. Suitable SWE grammar, proper, correct usage; though artless prose grammar. The first blip while I read.

A simple adjustment appreciates crows naturally caw several times, often three caws in a row--crow grammar, so to speak. Plural sentence subjects obviate sentence start articles, both indefinite "a" and "an" and definite "the." Articles are adjectives; though somewhat invisible, they accumulate a nuisance effect when frequent. "Sharp" is an adjective. Adjectives', like adverbs, prose grammar function is to express subjective, emotional, attitude commentary, if a robust verb does not all by itself. Articles generally express no commentary.

Optionally, nonnumbered nouns or artful adjectives that modify a sentence subject singular noun or pronoun may also start a sentence instead of an article use. For the latter, the rhetorical figure is a trope, either metonymy or synecdoche--a nickname: Big Mabel flipped eggs over-easy (synecdoche). Atlanta stole the plate (metonymy). Nonnumbered noun subject: Folk utter the darndest proverbs.

Unnecessary and otherwise contraindicated -ing word "circling." Second blip for this screener. Contraindicated for its nondefinite time span and noncoordinated sentence verb tenses. The crow cawed, circled, and drew Marco's gaze, a three-item serial list that warrants coordinated tense. Again, suitable SWE grammar; artless prose grammar. Also, perhaps a causation inversion: The crow circled, cawed, drew Marco's gaze. If the narrator is the persona aware of the crow's arrival, that event sequence is logical and natural. If Marco is intended as the viewpoint persona, the crow cawed, drew Marco's attention, circled overhead is logical and natural.

"drew Marco's gaze" third blip for moi. Again, a viewpoint matter of who observes the crow circle, caw, draw Marco's gaze event sequence. "Marco's gaze" is the sentence object; akin to eyesight verbs and nouns, saw, watched, vision, notice, etc., that statically tell action. Suitable SWE grammar; unsuitable prose grammar because, if Marco is the viewpoint persona, readers by default assume a perceptive persona observed the crow caw and circle. The intent is obviously to name the agonist, though reveals the writer's hand on the rudder. Also, Marco cannot see himself look for the crow. Pure narrator summary and explanation, artless tell lecture.

Commentary transforms tell into show's reality imitation, either narrator attitude or character attitude commentary of a subjective, personal, intimate nature.

"The large bird flew round and round the squat clutter of buildings, then dropped a tan object from its claw."

"The large bird" article issue again. Subject repetition, through substitution, though little amplification of the repetition--subjective attitude commentary amplifies. Prose grammar, rhetorical scheme repetition, substitution, amplification requires attitude commentary, subjectivity, for amplification. The crow is large: bland. What else makes the crow a significant, personal-to Marco item. The crow is a message delivery bird, a "familiar" in fantasy magic terms. Marco knows what to expect from the odd bird, alerts when he hears caws above, naturally. He knows; readers should too at the same time, if not before, and before the message capsule drops.

"round and round" wordy and trite and lackluster repetition-substitution of previous "circling".

"squat clutter of buildings" wordy (unnecessary "of") and indistinct. Low-height buildings, what, apartments, business offices, retail shops, mixed uses? "squat" almost expresses commentary, though limited attitude texture development. Generic "buildings" blunts the neutral, almost attitude comment. Also, an unecessary -ing word.

"then" conjunction use of an adverb. After a predicate phrase, for SWE, an adverb may start an object phrase, when the verb is a two-word term that takes an adverb, or a preposition instead. However, the clause is neither a sentence object nor modifier clause. The crow "dropped a tan object" is a second of two serial list items. "then" is widely disparaged for prose grammar use anyway.

How close is the crow that Marco can make out the object is tan and not know the object is a bamboo message tube. He's obviously received messages that way before. The best he can think is "tan"? Beige-neutral attitude commentary. Suitable SWE grammar, not artful prose grammar.

"Marco watched it fall, took several quick steps forward, and caught the message."

"Marco" agonist's name sentence subject, external reference by narrator. Suitable SWE grammar, contraindicated for prose grammar.

"watched" also is an action Marco cannot see himself see, nor would he consciously think about and decide and act to see. Sight, as well as hear, touch, smell, taste, is a reflex action prose grammar usually skips, because a narrator artlessly mediates the sensory stimulus, because the sensual observation itself is taken as given from a viewpoint persona's senses. Straightforward though subjective description of sensations is prose grammar.

"it" is generally disparaged for formal composition and prose grammar. Suitable SWE grammar generally. "it" clearly references antecedent subject "tan object," though a watchword for careful reconsideration; i.e., an opportunity for repetition-substitution through amplification.

"took several quick steps forward" wordy. "step" is the operative, significant verb. "several" is suitable when nondefinite texture is warranted, as in this case. Likewise, "quick" is suitable when nondefinite texture is warranted. "forward" is also suitable when directional nondefiniteness is warranted. The three nondefinite references accumulate an artless vagueness. Suitable SWE grammar, unsuitable prose grammar.

"and caught the message." If Marco didn't know before now the tan object contained a message, he cannot know yet. Again, an opportunity for repetition-substitution-amplification missed. Note, though, the sequential serial verb-actions' list coordinates tense; each of the three verbs is simple past tense. That is a prose grammar principle. SWE allows present participle, simple past, and past participle verbs in such a sequence list: watching, stepped, and had caught. Quirky, though.

"The bird landed on the edge of a nearby rooftop and watched Marco with dark eyes as he unfurled the scroll in the bamboo tube."

"The bird" repetition-substitution-amplification opportunity missed. Pesky "The" article. Now bland repetitive identical adjective use two times, plus one "A."

"landed" static verb from nondefinite action. How did it land? On its feet, breast, head, back, etc? //perched// or a similar robust verb is warranted.

"on the edge of a nearby rooftop" wordy, two prepositions in quick succession: "on" and "of." "edge" nondefinite. "nearby" nondefinite. "rooftop" nondefinite. Wordiness, when warranted, signals emphasis, a prose grammar function. Definiteness, or specificity, is usually emphasis enough itself, if warranted. //Jake Bird perched atop Jin Tao Shoes' sign//

"and watched Marco" Marco can see the crow look at him. However, "watched" is a static verb, part from time-span nondefiniteness and part lack of personal, subjective attitude commentary. Surely, the crow expresses an emotion Marco anthropomorphically interprets: personification, another prose grammar principle.

"with dark eyes" wordy, "with" third successive sentence preposition. "dark eyes" attempts a commentary, though superficially a coloration description.

"as" correlation conjunction used as a coordination conjunction. Note "bird landed" and "watched . . . with dark eyes" are noncoordinate with "he," Marco, "unfurled the scroll." Different subjects and predicates and ideas, noncorrelated ideas, in any case.

Also, "he" vague antecedent subject, is the crow, though proximal to Marco.

"unfurled the scroll in the bamboo tube" wordy *"in," (fourth succesive sentence preposition)."unfurled" implies a large item, say a flag or sail. "the scroll" definite article fault. SWE grammar principles require an indefinite article for a first mention of an item. Now is when readers know what the tan object is and contains: a bamboo tube and scroll. Artlessly withheld details.

//from// is a suitable substitute, the prescribed SWE preposition, for "in" when an object like a scroll is held by a scroll tube. Not clear whether the scroll wraps the tube or is contained within the tube. Specific details like that develop an event's reality imitation, a first-order prose grammar principle.

"One of the smaller yakuza bosses, Takumi Satoh, had ordered a virgin for the evening, and had kidnapped her."

Complete change in direction, idea, tense--unwarranted past perfect tense--and topic. Paragraph break warranted, prose or SWE grammar. The intent is to paraphrase the message, obviously; however, without a separation or transition or setup, the message content comes from nowhere inside the event or scene and, if narrator viewpoint, even outside narrator viewpoint: signals writer hand on the rudder.

Also, wordy and vague, "One of the smaller yakuza bosses," capital case issue "yakuza," and artless contradiction between "ordered" and "kidnapped." For illustration: //Small-time Yakuza boss Takumi Satoh kidnapped a virgin for an evening pleasure.//

"After spending the kind of money it took to deflower a virgin, maybe he figured he could resale her to someone else for a profit."

Grammar fault "resale," a noun. //resell// (verb or adverb) indicated. Also wordy, unnecessary -ing word, unnecessary tense shifts--present partciple, simple past, infinitive, future conditional--trite language, and, for all, lackluster attitude commentary.

For illustration: //What cost to deflower a virgin? Marco thought. Takumi wanted her resold to some sucker like him at extra profit.//

Prose grammar is easily exponentially more complex than formal composition grammars and SWE generally; however, the effort is worth the candle, both for craft skill enhancement and minimal automatic, impersonal rejection. The third blip was enough for me.

[ October 11, 2014, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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Denevius
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Thanks for the response!
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Denevius
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[ October 15, 2014, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Lamberguesa
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Denevious, make sure to post any revisions at the top of the page. Just edit your first post and paste it under your original fragment. It makes things easier for everyone since we can see progress and changes without having to search through multiple posts.

I think this revision is an improvement, much more artful than the first. I know extrinsic is still gonna ding you on the use of -ing words. I myself am working on avoiding them now.
While I enjoy the description of the crows I feel that the message was important, perhaps more than the crow(s) themselves and should be included in the segment. From what I gather, it is the inciting event (or at least part of it) that gets the ball rolling and should take top priority.

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Denevius
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Thanks for the comments, Lamberguesa!
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TaleSpinner
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It's interesting. I'd like to visit Japan with Marco and the voice has that patient, in-the-moment feel I associate with the Orient.

That said, I did find the second sentence "Their night roosting ... dark sky" rather long and got lost in it.

Except I'd suggest "night sky" rather than "dark sky" so that the later reference to the moon doesn't come as a surprise, which it did for me.

I like how you're gradually painting the picture and how you drop the hook in, like the tan object.

I think the gray concrete and ice might be slipped somewhere else, maybe even after the first 13 - it seemed an irrelevant addition to what I thought was a complete sentence.


One thing: I don't find "Momentum" an enticing title. But not a big concern, easy to fix, if you agree fix is warranted, when the story's done.

I'd read it.

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wetwilly
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Very vivid imagery. I'd keep reading based on the interesting picture you're putting in my head. If/when you want readers, I'd be happy to read for you.
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Denevius
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Thanks for the comments! I'll drop both of you an email with the story attached. It's an estimated 2400 words for anyone looking to swap something of similar length, maybe not more than 4000 words.
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