posted
Let me start by saying that I think the title you chose for the topic of this thread is terrible. Why ask how bad your writing is? You're setting up low expectations in the reader, or baiting sympathetic praise, either of which is counter productive to receiving honest critiques.
That said, I like the poem. I'm no poet (though my wife loves the poems I write her, but she's a partial judge), but it had elements I like in poetry. I would have chosen (very few -- two) different words, but then again that's why it's your poem and not mine. For the greater part the words you chose really conveyed the imagery I think you were going for -- the everlasting, expansive love.
I'll make one suggestion (which goes beyond critiquing, I know) that others can comment on while they're commenting on your poem if they like. Might I suggest you lose the last line? You have it in the title, it's very clear what the subject is, and I think you'd have more impact, more drama, more passion to end it on such a strong and edgy word as "sever". You evoked my own imagination, my own passion, my own love throughout, then (for some reason) handed me a conclusion that a) wasn't necessary, and b) wasn't as strong as I'd already created reading the previous lines.
posted
you are right about the title. sorry about that. I am not much of a poet myself I just ran across this one I wrote several years ago and is probably the only one I like much (that I wrote).
Thank you for your honestly I really liked your comments.
posted
Hey, Bewildered, I was half teasing about the title of the post. Just my way of suggesting you put your confident foot forward. Nothing to be sorry about!
posted
I like it - I think that it's sweet, and anyone who ever wrote a poem like that would have me in a heartbeat, but that's the kind of sentimental sucker I am. It's very freelance, with no set form, but it still retains old-fashioned-ness (not a real word, I know) by the ryhming. I think it's very clever. Again, I state - I like it.
Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
oh boy. i really shouldn't comment on this sort of thing, but your thread got my attention. i often feel like writing that in front of all my poetry, hell, all my work! but, yaknow, you gotta have a little more confidence in yourself. it's not as if poetry is an exact science, either. no one will get peeved for a poor formula. there's no such thing.
now onto the poem. i'm not a sappy person (hence the oh boy), but it was nice. one thing. the poem's words have a sort of expansive quality as you read the poem, but the lines in your phrases become fewer and shorter. i guess some would consider this stupid or unimportant, but i feel a poem should visually follow its theme whenever possible. in some cases that's unreasonable or highly unneeded, but in your case it might add something. like i said, a minor thing, and really it's a great poem anyway, but i just thought i'd say something.
posted
Well, either there are two people using Soule's log-in (Soule and Cosmi), or Soule is interested in exploring a couple different sides to her own personality...
<time lapse>
And after having checked out her web site, then checking the New: Introduce Yourself thread (initially to re-read her intro, then discovering that Cosmi has registered, reading that as well) I'm inclined to think they are two...perhaps...
Cosmi, in the future you should probably log-in as yourself to waylay any confusion, though if you don't I supposed we'll just figure it out...and of course signing your name at the bottom helps...anyway...
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Why ask how bad your writing is? You're setting up low expectations in the reader, or baiting sympathetic praise, either of which is counter productive to receiving honest critiques.
