So, it's not really a midlife crisis. Maybe pretty far from it really. But today (August 19th) is my 30th birthday. I just finalized my divorce (married three whole years, woohoo) and I am feeling so down I can't write a single line. In fact, my wife divorced me because of it. Her words: "you're always making love to your books, not to me anymore."

So.

I am down. WAAAAAAY down. I haven't gotten close to a computer to actually write in months. The closest I've gotten is to this website where I've posted a WIP novel (on which I haven't worked despite wonderful and insightful critiques) and I don't know what to do next. I want to turn my life around and i just enrolled in a Creative Writing MA (trying to at least) but other than that I feel lost, aimless. I sometimes feel my ex-wife was a source of inspiration. In fact she's why I became a "writer" in the first place. I remember the day I woke up to what I wanted to do. We were in our living room, two years ago. She said those words: "you have so many stories in you, why don't you just write them." I looked at her for a long time, got up off the couch, and wrote the first chapter of my first book that day. Although that chapter has gone the way of the dinosaurs long ago, ever since writing has become my life. The passion was awakened on that day. I discovered who I was that day.

Now that I've turned the Big Three-Oh, now that SHE is leaving me because my passsion for writing has overwhelmed our marriage, I find myself wondering again who--what I am. She helped me discover who I was, and left me because of that discovery.

Which isn't fair to her, I have to admit. I am as much (more?) at fault as she was. Still, I joined this site because I felt adrift, aimless once again. My muse left because I loved writing more than her, but with her gone my love of writing has dwindled.

I want to write. This at least is what she helped me discover. Her, I will not regain, she is already in love with another.

Can I regain my love of writing? This is why I've applied to the Creative Writing MA. Not for the degree. I hold as much faith in a writing MA as I did in my Studio Arts BA (which is little to none) but I was hoping it would rekindle my love with writing. It is bringing more worries than it is bringing anticipation.

Often in this forum I've tried to encourage other writers to keep writing. I've said time and time again that only you can tell the story, so you must tell it. I think I was hiding my own fear within those words.

Now I need you.

I need a kind word, an encouragment, a suggestion. More than anything, I need someone who knows what I've been through and can help me find a way out.

This is a long rant. I've had a few to "celebrate" my 30th birthday. But I also have my heart out, hoping for those encouraging words I so freely dispensed to others.

I guess that's why I looked for, and joined this site. I am ready to encourage any aspiring author because I KNOW what we do is worthwhile, is needed even. But after telling everyone it was, I guess I just need someone to tell me it is.

This was my rant. I needed to unload, and few people can understand a writer than other writers.

So.

Help.

Well, I can't say anything encouraging based upon going through a divorce, because I haven't. But I have seen my fair share of life, my own struggles with disease and my son's illness and attempts at suicide, and so I think that I can say a few things.

Yes, you're down. Yes, it hurts. But you'll get over it, and when you do you'll be more ready than ever to write because now you'll be writing even more from the heart than before.

So, there's only one way to go, and that is up. It doesn't take any real effort on your part, other than choosing not to opt out, it just happens with time. So, take advantage of this time. Wallow in your misery, then make it through and out the other side.

Then take the passion you've shown today and use it in your writing.

I look forward to reading it.

Mike

I can't offer much insight by way of divorce (thank God), but I can utterly sympathize with your frustration with writing and inability to get a word written. I've been in a funk lately and feeling stalled in my fiction writing. Some of it is my own fault...I procrastinate, I don't send out enough stories, and I don't aim high when I do send them off. It's just hard to put in the time and effort of polishing up a story just so, only to get smacked down by a critique that may or may not be fair, or by yet another rejection letter. I guess I'm sick and tired of failing, and I've lost faith in my own abilities.

Does any of that sound familiar? Probably. But you're only thirty, and yes, that's an ONLY. You have puh-lenty of time to give yourself a break from writing if that's what you need and go back to it when you're not feeling so blue. It sounds as if you might benefit from someone just plain listening to you and how you feel without judgement. There's no shame in seeking professional help to sort out all your feelings. Who knows...while working through the bigger issues in your life, the writing might just come naturally again. Writing, even if it's just stream-of-consciousness stuff only meant for you to see, is a great way to get in touch with and work out personal problems.

Second, you asked, "Can I regain my love for writing?"

Of course you can, and you do it by writing. And writing. And writing.

Some might say your divorce was the best thing that could happen to you as a writer--Faulkner would say this, I believe. I say to hell with Faulkner. I don't believe we should sacrifice our families for the sake of our art. AND I'M NOT SAYING YOU DID THAT. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

But I also believe that we have to make the most of the live we have. A few years ago, writing was a hobby for me. I wanted to earn a Ph.D. in theology and teach. Then I found out my wife was pregnant with our daughter, and I realized that me pursuing a Ph.D. wasn't in the best interest for my family. I was 28 when I made that decision, and I had wanted to earn a Ph.D. in theology since I was about 20. That's a big dream I had to sacrifice. Moreover, because of our financial situation, I went from potentially being a Professor of Theology to a stay-at-home dad--a far more noble job, but not something I aspired to.

After about six to eight months of moping around, writing here and there, it dawned on my that I suddenly had the time to get serious about writing.

Again, I don't want to belittle your marriage, and in NO WAY am I trying to suggest that me giving up a Ph.D. is in anyway like your divorce. But you have to play the hand that is dealt you. That, you must do.

So I think you are on the right track. You have nothing to stop you from putting your heart and soul into writing. I do think that if you were to give up writing, you'd be in a far more miserable state than you are now.

I don't have anything else to say. I hope you understand what I said. And I hope I what I said doesn't sound trite or crass.

I have no direct experience with divorce, but I got to see many close up.

I'm willing to bet money your writing has nothing to do with her leaving you. Here's why.

My husband had a friend who was trying to get into the music business at one point. He would spend hours in his home studio.

At first, his wife was very supportive. But after a while she became bored sitting all by herself in their apartment. So, she decided to get a hobby. She tried many things, but the one she enjoyed most also hooked her up with a guy that soon became more than a friend.

Now, I want to be clear here. She didn't cheat on her husband. She told her husband about the attraction and said she wanted a divorce because he (her spouse) wasn't spending enough time with her. He was spending all his time in the studio.

To shorten this long story, they ended up divorcing.

Now, it wasn't because of the time he spent in the studio that she left. They'd grown apart. It was irreconcilable differences, that's all. And from what you've said here, that's what your situation sounds like to me.

However, I'm not there and I don't know the full story. Just trying to give a different perspective on your reality.

I'm sorry you've lost your muse. But at thirty, I'm sure you'll find inspiration again soon enough.

Sounds like this isn't such a great birthday for you, so I'll wish that next year's will be better!

So sorry to hear things aren't going well. Know that you do have friends here, people who will help you through this. Don't even *think* of leaving us here (yeah, I know, you didn't say anything about leaving) 'cause we'll just have to send MaryRobinette on a new adventure to hunt you down and bring you back in the Penmanship!

Now.. as for the writing. Perhaps you should not try to write on your story or stories now. It might be a more cathartic exercise right now just to do some free-writing. Try putting down your feelings, getting them out on paper. Bare your soul. Write letters to people, telling them things you need to say, but don't mail them. This is for you and you alone.

Don't try to write any fiction until you have gotten some of this out and onto paper.

When you are healed some and ready to think about writing fiction again, if you are still having problems, consider writing some stories with a partner. See if a fellow Hatracker would conspire with you on a story idea or two. That way you have inspiration in the form of a co-author.

Most important of all, remember that you have friends here. Yes, I said that before, but it bears repeating.

And don't despair! You'll get through this and start writing again. Really.

*hugs*

Susan

[This message has been edited by shadowynd (edited August 19, 2004).]

Emotions play a large part in writing. And when you are emotionally spent, it is going to be hard to put pen to paper. Take a break, and do something for yourself. Treat yourself to something you've been wanting to do for a while but haven't.

Hopefully you have friends or family around you that can help you to ease back into some form of normalcy. Spend time in groups of people, it helps. But most of all, laugh. Through all of the hard times in my life (I think I have had my share), humor has been my life-line. But this isn't about my hardships, it's about yours.

I have never experienced divorce, and I hope I never have to. It can be nasty, I have had plenty of views into friends failed relationships to get a picture of how bad it can be. I feel for you, man.

As far as your writing career goes, keep at it. Don't let this one setback become a string of setbacks for you. Use this "experience" as a stepping stone to re-discover that burning desire you had two years ago. Sure, take some time off, but don't allow it to become a permanent vacation.

Most of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! August is my birthday month too. Except, thirty is exactly eight years ago for me. I remember it being hard. I realized that I wasn't a kid any more, kinda like my final passage into adulthood. I know that some people mature faster, and feel like "adults" much sooner, but thirty did it for me. But now you'll never have to do it again. And remember, you can still be a kid in private.

I hope to continue to see your name on posts around here, I always think it is a great loss when people lose interest in their craft. Never give up, never surrender, and offer no quarter to the idiots who tell you otherwise.

You'll make it. It'll hurt a little less tomorrow, a little less the day after that, a lot less in a couple of months.

But the gem of advice I have for you is to write about it. Some above have said to leave the story writing alone for a little while. I disagree. Let a story work therapy for you. Write about your experiences (from that epiphanal moment when you knew what you wanted to do) in a fictional setting. It doesn't even necessarily have to perfectly mirror your experience. You could write about something else that symbolizes your own experiences.

It may not go anywhere. You may never be able to withdraw yourself from the emotions enough to make a coherent story. But, in my personal experience, your God-given talents and creativity can help you a) come to grips with everything that's happened, and b) seek avenues that will lead you to a better future.

Remember in the Alvin Maker series, whenever Alvin makes an important decision Peggy sees his futures narrow to a single path? That's where you are right now. Your life is squeezing through a dark tunnel and you can't see what's beyond it--yet. But inevitably Alvin's path branched hundreds, thousands of times so that the possibilities for him were endless. That's what's coming for you.

Man! The possibilites!

From right now, your life is heading into a new era, a new adventure, a whole kaleidoscope of unexplored pathways. You just have to make it through this tunnel. Just this tunnel. Just get through it.

And we'll be here to help you.

No one else has said this so I will; there's nothing wrong with going to talk to a professional about the depression. One in four women and one in ten men will have depression at some point in their life. Having gone through that, I can tell you its insidious and can take over your life without you even realizing it.

Because it was your ex who encouraged to pursue writing and now that is one of her reasons for leaving, it can be hard to think of one without the other.

When I was a young teenager my mom succombed to an eight year battle with breast cancer. More than anyone in the world, my mom encouraged me to write. For nearly two years I had trouble writing anything meaningful. Fortunately I was in high school and we didn't get to do any creative writing with the exception of some minor poetry. At the time I didn't think about why I wasn't writing stories, I just wasn't. However during that time I did write at least two things that are significant for me. The first was a song about everything (the first song I've ever written), the second was a poetic eulogy of sorts. I still have trouble reading this but have actually encorporated it into the novel I wrote when I finally found my voice again.

It is said that time heals all wounds. I don't say this to be trite, I say it because it is my experience. It is overwhelming when you feel that you have lost not one but two large pieces of who you are. This isn't the end though unless you let it be. Give yourself time. The courses may help, but if you aren't ready, they could also end up making you more frustrated. Only you know.

Happy belated Birthday. And to quote the title of a Barbara Johnson book, Pain is Inevitable but Misery is optional, Stick a Geranium in your hat and be Happy!

OR

The clouds that cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun,
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And oft from wrong's own darkness
Comes the weary strength of right.
--Author unknown

OR

When you get into a tight place, and everything goes against you, 'til it seems as if you couldn't hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that's just the place and time that the tide'll turn.
--Harriet Beecher Stowe

OR

No one would ever have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in a storm.
--Anon.

OR

Good timber does not grow in ease;
The stronger winde, the tougher grees;
The more the storm, the more the strength;
Bu sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In tree or man, good timber grows.
--Author unknown

Finally

When all our hopes are gone,
'Tis well our hands must still keep toiling on
For others' sake;
For strength to bear is found in duty done,
And he is blest indeed who learns to make
The joy of others cure his own headache.
--Author unknown

*From personal experience, doing some good for someone else sure gives a lift like nothing else can.

quote:

---

One in four women and one in ten men will have depression at some point in their life.

---

Hang in there, babylonfreek. *virtual hug* Writing's hard, but what's even harder is how difficult it can make life. The thing to remember-- for me-- is that if you're meant to write, you write, even if you need time away. For various personal reasons I had a very hard time accepting the fact that I wanted to write, and I tried very hard not to. I got away with it-- for about two years. Two miserable years. And then I gave in, and came back, and I'm happier while I'm writing, you know? Even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment, there's something about writing I'm hardwired to need, to do. Despite everything that writing makes me miserable on-- the rejection, the times it doesn't work, the times my friends feel neglected over it, and they have-- I still find that not writing, for me, isn't someting I can do. Maybe for a time. But not for the end. No matter how much I want to shove it, or even when I try, I end up going back. You sound like you have that kind of dedication or need to the craft, and even if you can't see it now, I think you're going to stick to it. (And if you won't, I'm sure MR will track you down.)

But even then, writing all the time doesn't happen. Right now you're hurting, and you have every right to be. Every right to need some time off, if that's what it takes. Don't force yourself. Be kind to yourself. And when it's meant to start working again, when you're ready for it to start working again, it will.

Hang in there. You're yourself, and that's a good thing. You'll find your way there.

Just... wow.

I have to say, inside I knew all that, especially the part about therapy (which I am doing, been doing for a while even. They got a fat file on me even before that) I knew I needed the break, that it would pass, etc etc... I guess I needed someone to tell me I knew already. It's hard to understand what you know sometimes, and I needed to have someone tell me that I knew.

Um...

I understand myself. I don't know if anyone else did, but I do, and that's enough.

*rolls sleeves* So, what should we do to poor MaryRobinette next?

Seriously... thanks guys (and gals!)

It would be nice if comradery and sympathy were enough to solve your problems, but you and I both know they aren't. You'll get a quick taste of candy from us to keep you going, but we can't nourish your soul the way you so desperately want it. But do you need it?

You must choose: either cling to the writing lifestyle with the hopeless desperation of a tree leaf in a tornado, or get your smeg together today and write tomorrow.

And don't give yourself any whiney shinola about how the writing compulsion controls your actions. You are a human being. You've got free will (or have you?) and can do whatever you please with your life (or can you?).

Personally, I think you're pretty cool and I hope you keep hanging out here, for my sake. If I cared about your sake I'd tell you to run, don't walk, as far from writing as you possibly can.

But it wouldn't matter because you won't. Perhaps it's because I'm a poor communicator myself, but there's nothing I can say to save you. So why bother?

As for the original topic: it's a well known fact that a good midlife crisis calls for an exotic sports car. Babylonfreek, have you considered a Lotus Esprit? They are very exotic, yet reasonably priced. Just what the doctor ordered.

Too bad they caught you.