Thanks, guys. You're the best!

"Murder in the Cards" is a completed 94,000 word mystery novel set on the White Mountain Apache Reservation in northern Arizona. In this book, part-time psychic and suburban mom Dulci Ash is forced out of her suburban shell when her cousin Tatty is murdered. At the core of the murder mystery Dulci finds herself thrust into is a 125 year-old pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, a Native American Trickster. Josh Burnett, cousin Tatty's smoldering (I don't quite like the word...screams "romance novel" to me, but I don't have anything better so I left it...) Apache lover, stands accused of her murder, and Dulci feels sure he is innocent. Will she be able to find the real killer and bring him/her to justice in time or will an innocent man be convicted? The answer is...in the cards.

Your "its" needs an apostrophe.

Here's my attempt at a subedit which I hope might help.

"Murder in The Cards" combines historical events from the late 1800s with a modern-day murder that propels part-time psychic and full-time mom Dulci Ash out of her suburban shell and onto the trail of a supernatural killer.

When her cousin Tatty is murdered, its up to Dulci to rule out chief suspect Josh Burnett, Tatty's Apache lover. She must use her long-neglected psychic skills to figure out how a 125-year-old pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, a Native American trickster, has led to her cousin's death. Will Dulci be able to bring justice to the real killer and prevent an innocent man from being convicted?

The answer is . . . in her long-neglected cards!

While Dulci's story is pure fiction, the novel's main setting is the the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Northern Arizona. The relationships and insights into Apache culture draw upon my eight years as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation.

The novel is complete at 94,000 words.
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I shortened and reordered some of the sentences, focusing the first on what I hope is the hook.

I removed the reference to ten years editorial work because to me it sounds insecure and detracts from your unique experience of the Apaches that's relevant to the book. Also, I removed the last hopeful sentence because that too, to me, sounds insecure.

Also, I don't know what 'the Native American Trickster' means and assumed that's how he's known in the book, so I decapitalized (if that's the word) 'Trickster' and made him 'a Native American trickster.'

Good luck with it.

"When her cousin Tatty is murdered, its up to Dulci to rule out chief suspect Josh Burnett, Tatty's Apache lover. "

It's not clear to me why Dulci is motivated to clear Josh's name.

So maybe something like, 'When her cousin Tatty is murdered, Tatty's Apache lover Josh Burnett is the chief suspect. Knowing he's innocent <reason why here> it's up to Dulci to etc, etc.'

Sounds pretty good to me. You've outlined the basics of your plot (which sounds wicked-awesome, by the way) in a simple and straightforward way. Keep smouldering - it's a much better description than sullen. Who wants to read about a gloomy gus? I'd rather read about a dark and sexy guy (you know, if I was into dark and sexy guys of course).

My changes...

"Enclosed is a 94,000 word mystery novel...." This seems to distance you from your novel, like you're submitting something you found in line at the gas station. Own this story! "Enclosed is my 94,000 word mystery novel".

The second and third sentences of the first paragraph seem a little long. Break each into two. It'll help increase the clarity for your reader, especially with sentences as info-dense as these are.

"The answer is... in the cards" should be part of the first paragraph, in my opinion.

The second paragraph is good - tells us about your qualifications to write about this history. Any other publishing credits to add, whould be my only question. I also like KayTi's suggestion to rewrite how you fit in the "year of experience" details. Maybe something along the lines of "I spent 8 years as a psychologist..... As well, I have 10 years of experience in the editorial...." I'd also nix the "I hope you find" portion of the last sentence. Be assertive! Don't hope! Tell them it is a satisfying blend of both!

That's it from me. On the whole this is pretty solid. It would make me want to read the submission and not aggravate me, which I think if the primary task of any good query letter. Good luck!

Jayson Merryfield

My two cents, you need to kick the professionalism up a few notches in the letter.

Ex:

I am seeking reprsentation for Murder in the Cards a 94,000 mystery novel.

When her cousin Tatty is murdered, it is up to Dulci Ash, a single mom and reluctant psychic, clear Tatty's wrongfully accused Apache lover, Josh Burnett. Finding a patsy in Josh, the police have stopped looking for the killer but Dulchi's long-denied abilities won't let her accept the easy answer. Visons of the massacre at ____________ in the late 1800s hint that a 125 year-old pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, a Native American Trickster, might be the key to finding the murderer.

The answers Dulci seeks are . . . in the cards!

(Some hint at how the pact affects the murder and who the killer is)

My experience as a psychologist at the White Mountain Apache Reservation has given my unique insight into the Apache culture. both modern and at the time of the __________ massacre.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You can use the space you take up currently telling me about the "historical" events with the meat of the story. Right now all you are telling me about is the set up.

Who/what is the antagonist?

You also should hint at the fact that Dulci's talents lie in reading Tarot cards so the "In the Cards" makes sense.

Great improvement though. Good luck and I hope I helped.

quote:

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Enclosed is my novel Murder in the Cards, a 94,000 word supernatural suspence novel.

The murder of an 1800s medicine man and the recent slaying of Tatty (Ash?) conspire to set her cousin, psychic Dulci Ash, on the trail of a supernatural killer. The cheif suspect is Josh (Burnette<--doesn't sound like a Native American name: Josh Redbull ], an Apache, and Tatty's former lover. Its up to Dulci to save Josh and sort out how the pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, the Native American Trickster, led to her cousin's death. Can she save Josh and bring the real killer to justice?

Eight years as a psychologist on the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Northern Arizona has given me unique insights into the modern Apache culture. Ten years in the editorial department of a weekly newspaper in Detroit has given me the skills for conducting fastidious historical research.
I hope you find "Murder in the Cards" a satisfying blend.

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Dear Competition Staff:

“Murder in the Cards” is a 94,000 word mystery novel set in and around the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Northern Arizona. In the book, part-time psychic and full-time mom Dulci Ash is forced out of her suburban shell and onto the trail of a supernatural killer when her cousin Tatty is murdered..
Trying to learn the truth about Tatty's murder, it's up to Dulci to rule out chief suspect Josh Burnett, Tatty's smoldering Apache lover, and use her long-neglected psychic skills to find out how a 125-year-old pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, the Native American Trickster, has led to her cousin's death. Reluctantly, Dulci taps into her unreliable psychic powers, and the power of the Medicine Cards, to find out what really happened. Will Dulci be able to bring justice to the real killer and prevent an innocent man from being convicted?
The answer is . . . in the cards!
While Dulci's story is pure fiction, the relationships and insights into Apache culture are not. Eight years as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation has given me unique insights into the modern Apache culture.
I hope you find "Murder in the Cards" a satisfying blend of both.

Quote: The cheif suspect is Josh (Burnette<--doesn't sound like a Native American name: Josh Redbull ]

You might want transform "relationships" to "community." In my opinion It demonstrates a more holistic view of the setting.

I thought maybe to you should change insights (to something a little less Margret Mead sounding) but I couldn't come up with a viable option.

Maybe change

quote:

---

While Dulci's story is pure fiction, the relationships and insights into Apache culture are not. Eight years as a psychologist on the Apache Reservation has given me unique insights into the modern Apache culture.
I hope you find "Murder in the Cards" a satisfying blend of both.

---

to

quote:

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While Dulci's story is pure fiction, insights on reservation community and Apache culture are based in reality. These are drawn from(or built on) eight years of service as a psychologist for the White Mountain Apache community. I hope you find both elements make "Murder in the Cards" an intriguing and insightful mystery novel.

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Just a suggestion

“Murder in the Cards” is a 94,000 word mystery novel set in and around the White Mountain Apache Reservation of Northern Arizona. In the book, part-time psychic and full-time mom Dulci Ash is forced out of her suburban shell and onto the trail of a supernatural killer when her cousin Tatty is murdered..
Trying to learn the truth about Tatty's murder, it's up to Dulci to rule out chief suspect Josh Burnett, Tatty's smoldering Apache lover, and use her long-neglected psychic skills to find out how a 125-year-old pact between a Cibecue medicine man and Coyote, the Native American Trickster, has led to her cousin's death. Reluctantly, Dulci taps into her unreliable psychic powers, and the power of the Medicine Cards, to find out what really happened. Will Dulci be able to bring justice to the real killer and prevent an innocent man from being convicted?
The answer is . . . in the cards!
While Dulci's story is pure fiction, the relationships and insights into Apache culture are based in fact, drawn on my eight years of service as a psychologist for the White Mountain Apache Tribe. I hope you find “Murder in the Cards” a satisfying blend of both.

by jove, I think i've got it!

I say that to say this, how you phrased it before struck me as outisider looking in, more of a well informed tourist tone.

Yet 8 years of experience (even as a "detached" psychologist) strikes me as enough time to become at least a peripheral member of the community.

All I did to that paragraph was to make it read as if you weren't only an observer but were also a member of this community.

Among the social sciences there are certain buzz words that help to set the tone as whether the writer is acting as member or observer during research. My personal tastes and research inclinations has always led me to emphasize "in" status rather than "out" status. Especially when lengthy social immersion is how the data was collected.