we could call them "Toole's Rules"

First one: Anything that you have a deadline for will immediately begin a chain of totally unpredictable events with only one ultimate outcome: you will miss deadline.

Second one: it's inevitable that if you only have one copy of something you did that was really great, it will be eaten by the dog; destroyed by the computer; lost on the subway, or be used for nefarious purposes by a six year old who is too cute to beat.

If you trash a draft, you'll want it the next day.

No matter how much you revise it, no matter how short the piece, therein still lurks a mitsake.

*bangs head against wall*

Friendly criticism typically is not.

It's when you've cleared your schedule, rolled up your sleeves, and are eager to write that your spouse will choose to express he's feeling neglected and wants some quality snuggles.

Your computer will dictate when, and if, your story will be saved.

Which (of course) will turn out to be pure drivel.

The work that you pounded out in a half-hour while waiting for the bus will be polished and thoughtful and true and deep and real and accepted for publication at the first professional market you submit it to.

Your work that you sweated over for weeks, months, years, will be mocked and scorned by reviewers and markets alike.

Number ?: If you're sure a scene contains all the necessary information and nothing extraneous, the scene will be nonsensical to everyone but you.

any liquid within spilling range of a brand new sparkly clean manuscript will eventually tip over and be inevitably drawn to completely cover the manuscript without even touching anything else. Except, possibly, your lap.

So, now they are as follows:

Toole's Rules

1. Anything that you have a deadline for will immediately begin a chain of totally unpredictable events with only one ultimate outcome: you will miss deadline. [Amendment:Or you'll be up at 4.00 am in the morning trying to beat it and posting to Hatrack instead :-)]
2. It's inevitable that if you only have one copy of something you did that was really great, it will be eaten by the dog; destroyed by the computer; lost on the subway, or be used for nefarious purposes by a six year old who is too cute to beat.
3. All that is not expressly forbidden is mandatory. Infractions will be accorded as capital crimes. Sentencing will result in permanent shunning by the publishing marketplace.
4. Characters are like children. If you tell them what to do, they do something else.
5. If you trash a draft, you'll want it the next day.
6. No matter how much you revise it, no matter how short the piece, therein still lurks a mitsake.
7. You're greatest breakthrough ever will come in the middle of your best friend's wed[d]ing, where you'll have no way of writing it down for hours[,] and you are surrounded by eight million people who want to catch up--swappin[g] life stories. (<--Just had to.)
8. If you follow too many critters advice your story will slowly evolve until the same people start saying they preferred the original version.
9. You will not remember that last idea for a plot line that you had while driving your car. Ever.
10. Friendly criticism typically is not.
11. Sharing your work with your spouse: she may learn she does not know you as well as she thinks.
12. Brilliant ideas will only come to you on the brink of sleep. [amendment: or on the toilet, in the shower, ie: the worst possible time for recording it.]
13. When a brilliant plot point enters your mind you will be too busy to make note of it; you will remember only that you had it not what it was.
14. No one will ever understand your most brilliant story.
15. It's when you've cleared your schedule, rolled up your sleeves, and are eager to write that your spouse will choose to express he's [or she's] feeling neglected and wants some quality snuggles.
16. Your computer will dictate when, and if, your story will be saved.
17. While cranking on a deadline for one story, you will invariably be shot by a spark of inspiration so deep and enduring for some *other* story that you will feel it necessary to drop your deadline-driven story and work on the newly inspired one. [amendment: Which (of course) will turn out to be pure drivel.]
18. The work that you pounded out in a half-hour while waiting for the bus will be polished and thoughtful and true and deep and real and accepted for publication at the first professional market you submit it to.
19. Your work that you sweated over for weeks, months, years, will be mocked and scorned by reviewers and markets alike.
20. The day you get time alone, no phone calls, kids, dogs barking, birds chirping or traffic, you will inevitably stare at the blank page with the cursor flashing on it until twenty minutes before life explodes again around you.
21. If you're sure a scene contains all the necessary information and nothing extraneous, the scene will be nonsensical to everyone but you.
22. You'll realize your favorite character must die or suffer immensely to continue the story and you will grieve as if the character is real.
23. The number of writer-reader opinions about any given story is geometrically proportionate to the number of writers raised to the power of the number of writers minus one--the story's writer. n^(n-1). Both ends of the graphed nonparabolic curve approach infinity as they approach the asymptotic boundaries. 2 is the vertex of the curve.
24. You know that scene, the one you slaved for hours over and are immensely proud of? Yeah. It's getting cut.
25. When you're stuck on a bus with a brilliant idea and a piece of paper, it is inevitable that the pen will be dry or the pencil lead will snap.
26. Any liquid within spilling range of a brand new sparkly clean manuscript will eventually tip over and be inevitably drawn to completely cover the manuscript without even touching anything else. Except, possibly, your lap.
27. When you have whittled your brain to matchstick and found a title that you're happy with, it will be changed.
    

a) you should have edited something else related to it further down the story, to keep things consistent. Damn!

b) the meaning of a KEY point now ambiguous, or open to complete misinterpretation. If only you had just sent it without that last edit...

c) there was another 'the' on the line above that you didn't spot, and now you have inadvertently put in the name of an 80's band, THE THE.

d) You left out a word.

e) Your story is now crap. Why didn't I send the other one which, on reflection, would have won the contest?

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 01, 2008).]

Most of the time you will fall asleep, telling yourself you will remember in the morning... and invariably you forget everything.

S!
S!...C!

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Or the alternative, it is always the opportune time to pick up a computer virus...

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Or...

Your PC will start making unidentifiable sounds when you're just one edit away from completing your masterpiece.

S!
S!...C!

I hate technology!

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All the cleverest darlings are the parts of a story that no reader but a mother will like.

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