Well, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm absolutely insane. I don't know if it has gotten worse in recent years, but unless I take a pill I cannot function normally. I have so many regrets because, at times, I literally cannot control my actions. It is unbearable, and the worst part is that you know you're being crazy. That rational, logical part of you is saying "Hey, quit it. You're being dumb."

Unfortunately I've found the rational part of me matters very little when I have such attacks.

I am happy as can be, and I will certainly make it as a writer.

The world is the worst place I could ever imagine, and I will never make it.

Back and forth. So redundant.

As far as taking tablets to be normal...many people have to take meds to get through a day--some for physical reasons and some for mental reasons.

Take comfort from the fact that many 'greats' had bi-polar or its lesser form (which I can't remember the name of now--edited to add: CYCLOTHYMIA) and their difficulties gave them great insights into the human condition.

I have found that, in my own situation, when I enjoy what I do for a living and accept of the support of friends and family, my mood changes are less severe. If I become frustrated with something I can't control or something that requires repeated tries (like becoming an established writer), then my mood changes become more severe.

quote:

---

As far as taking tablets to be normal...many people have to take meds to get through a day--some for physical reasons and some for mental reasons.

---

There is no difference between physical and mental. The mind is the way we experience the signals fired in our brains, which are effected both by the internal and external environment. When an imbalance of neurotransmitters occurs or the brain is damaged (triggered either by internal or external conditions), we experience this as a mental problem. This has pretty much become the dominant view in neuropsychological and neurobiological academia.

Some may find this idea depressing and moan and groan about the idea precluding free will, but personally, I find it liberating. It frees you from the stigma of mental disorder and allows you to approach mental problems as you would approach diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other ailment of the body.

My advice to you is that what you really need to cure is this notion that you are absolutely insane. There is nothing wrong with having a physical ailment of the brain, and nothing wrong with treating it with medicine. This is the ammunition your rational brain is looking for to take control of the irrational one.

The equation, I agree, is more complicated than a one to one relationship. It is more of a synergistic model. The brain is replete with feedback mechanisms and I don't think the mind-brain connection is any different. I could become depressed, which effects serotonin or dopamine release, which in turn leads to even more depressing thoughts. Then I could take Prozac (which increases the efficacy of serotonin) and my mood gradually improves, which further increases serotonin efficacy, and after a while I no longer need the medicine.

I love it. I feel like myself again, and my writing became lighter, funnier. And I lost nine pounds in ten days. Which is awesome no matter how you spell it.

I felt like taking medicine was quiting, like cheating, I guess, but then I got over it. I love being happy, and I'll do whatever it takes to be happy.
~Sheena

quote:

---

There is no difference between physical and mental.

---

Yes, there is. What you quote as a dominant view is a theoretical view and is based on incomplete knowledge (99% knowledge of something is incomplete and vulnerable to revision). People are primarily creatures of perception and don't experience themselves as bags of chemicals.

[...it is impossible to prove anything has true physicality and is not in fact your own mental construct--but that's by the by...]

I agree that mind (mental) does not equal brain (physical), but they certainly affect each other. But mind (mental) also affects and is affected by the rest of the body (physical). And anything we can do to understand how these parts of ourselves affect each other has got to help.

Also, as others have said, there is a huge indication that some of history's greatest geniuses struggled with bipolar disorders and that our world has been blessed by the results of their creativity when it has been used in a positive way (and our world has been tragically harmed when it has been used in a negative way).

I suspect the greatest struggle with medication can be the fear that it will not only calm (and deaden?) the negative parts, but it will also calm (and deaden?) the wonderfully creative and exciting parts, and there are those who will go off their medication for fear that it has destroyed or is destroying their creativity.

I hope you can work with your doctors to find the best solution to that particular fear. Everyone is different and everyone will experience different medications differently. Don't stop trying to find the combination that will work best for you, okay?

quote:

---

Yes, there is. What you quote as a dominant view is a theoretical view and is based on incomplete knowledge (99% knowledge of something is incomplete and vulnerable to revision). People are primarily creatures of perception and don't experience themselves as bags of chemicals.

---

It is as much a theory as the theory of evolution, which is also widely accepted. Perception is exactly how we experience the "bag of chemicals" (your words, not mine). I've never been to Saturn, but there is enough evidence out there to prove to me that it exists.

There is more objective evidence that our physiology and chemicals are interlinked with perception and our mental experiences than there is evidence that perception and mind are off in their own space somewhere. This is the classic mind-body problem.

quote:

---

[...it is impossible to prove anything has true physicality and is not in fact your own mental construct--but that's by the by...]

---

I disagree, there are numerous cases that disprove this. Damage a persons memory center, and they will no longer remember these things. Cut an optic nerve, and they will lose the ability to perceive the input from the eyeballs. When a railroad tie pierced Phinneas Gage's frontal lobe, he underwent a complete transformation of his personality.

quote:

---

But Osiris does have a point in that taking medicine to deal with a chemical imbalance or malfunction in the brain should not be considered any different from taking medicine to deal with a chemical imbalance or malfunction in the rest of the body.

---

I thought I made that point in my first post, didn't I?

quote:

---

As far as taking tablets to be normal...many people have to take meds to get through a day--some for physical reasons and some for mental reasons.

---

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough...I thought the statement implied that both reasons were equal and therefore not different.

I am a qualified psychiatric nurse and nurse prescriber, and I deal with people suffering with a range of highly complex needs on a daily basis--hence I felt my initial approach was appropriate (general, brief, non-specific supportive comments). My concern was being having the waters muddied by someone with limited or, likely, no clinical experience.

Despite that this shouldn't be a forum for providing psychological support for complex problems and I must end my involvement in this thread.

(BTW...I was referring to solipsism--you can google it.)

quote:

---

I am a qualified psychiatric nurse and nurse prescriber, and I deal with people suffering with a range of highly complex needs on a daily basis--hence I felt my initial approach was appropriate (general, brief, non-specific supportive comments). My concern was being having the waters muddied by someone with limited or, likely, no clinical experience.

---

I am thankful that there are individuals such as yourself to treat those with psychiatric conditions. I don't believe, however, that your clinical experience (and mine is in fact limited, but not non-existent) invalidates my research experience and training. Nor does my research experience and training invalidate your experience.

There are uncountable things that are not explained by the "bag o' chemicals" hypothesis, including any number of immaterial things that you can examine and discover yourself. (Hint: the hypothesis of emergent awareness relies upon the miraculous --or magical, or supernatural, or whatever word you like-- appearance of something out of nothing. But the proponents of the idea do a lot of hand-waving to distract from that fact. The only way around this is to propose that awareness already exists in matter--another blind leap of faith.)

For another way to look at it: If you think of the brain as merely a chemical computer, then every immaterial piece of data in the brain **appeared out of nothing**. Even concepts cannot appear out of nothing, they have to be placed into the brain or computer by some external agent. The idea that unique and immaterial things such as love or aspirations to build the prettiest dollhouse, for example, can simply appear by some combination of firing synapses is nothing short of a blind leap of faith in *magic*. (Though they deny it's magic.)

I'm sure Osiris means well, and I, too, agree that treating your chemical imbalances is important, but ignoring the spiritual and immaterial things could be equally (or even more) detrimental to you.

I am very close to someone who is severely bi-polar, and pharmaceuticals are extremely important for the person's well-being. However, faith in God and the love of family are central to this person's spiritual health, physical health and quality of life.

One of the most important consequences of everything I've said here is that Gan is much more than just the sum total of physical and chemical reactions--Gan is a far more precious and valuable person than that, and Gan's worth goes far beyond bi-polar troubles. No matter how bad the bi-polar problems get--Gan is more than that, and worthy of being loved as more than that. Furthermore, every person that Gan loves is far more meaningful than merely "healthy" bags of chemicals.

Now, Osiris, it is not my intention to pick a fight here. I acknowledge that you showed good intentions in encouraging Gan to receive important treatment, and I would have held my silence if that was the extent of what you said. However, it is critical that Gan know that he or she is loved, and that that love is something profoundly real--not some random chemical reaction. It would be tragic if Gan abandoned such things. And that's *reality* beyond what mere science can tell you.

And, Gan, it is important for you to understand that love is great, and love is real, and that material claims to the contrary are not just wrong, but irrational.

Note: If it were presented as speculation, it wouldn't be irrational. Claimed as fact, it is definitely void of rational basis.

Note to moderator: Please realize that everything I've said here relates directly to the intended topic--dealing with bi-polar disorder, and I am not attempting to threadjack into some religious/philosophical spat. I dealt with things of religious and philosophical elements because Osiris laid them down, and they have deep consequences on how a bi-polar person can cope. Thanks.

quote:

---

Now, Osiris, it is not my intention to pick a fight here. I acknowledge that you showed good intentions in encouraging Gan to receive important treatment, and I would have held my silence if that was the extent of what you said. However, it is critical that Gan know that he or she is loved, and that that love is something profoundly real--not some random chemical reaction. It would be tragic if Gan abandoned such things. And that's *reality* beyond what mere science can tell you.

---

No worries My notes about a synergistic relationship imply that I do not believe the process is random. Nor do I think love is any less real or valuable because of its chemical underpinnings. I actually stand more in awe because of the complexity of how the mind/body works.

I think my thoughts on this subject are too complex for me to adequately describe in this a forum format.

quote:

---

My notes about a synergistic relationship imply that I do not believe the process is random.

---

Yeah. The necessary brevity here results in some imperfect language, so when I said "random," I didn't intend to brush off emergent complexity out of the random. My point is that "something from nothing" doesn't come out of any system, random or complex. Unless you believe in magic?

quote:

---

Nor do I think love is any less real or valuable because of its chemical underpinnings.

---

I understand that, and it would be interesting to pursue that aspect if--as you indicated to the contrary--this forum were intended for that complexity of discussion. But my concerns have little to do with *your* perceptions of love. Regardless of your fascination with a purely chemical love, the reduction of it to mere chemicals can and does reduce the perception of its greater reality to other people, which could be tragically discouraging for someone in a bi-polar or otherwise delicate way.

I also don't want any of those who have contributed to this discussion to feel that I have asked them to leave the topic.

I was just attempting to prevent an argument from developing when what is needed here is support and encouragement.

We all have problems, Gan, some worse than others. My advice is for you to let whoever is prescribing your medication know that your mood is continuing to be unstable. I don't know where you stand with insurance, but you may also want to find a therapist - someone who will allow you to talk out your problems and suggest coping skills. If this is not a possibility, then find an anchor - both something that gives you joy and someone you can communicate with freely.

I left because bi-polar disorder can have serious consequences and remaining involved and/or commenting on other's advice and/or making my own comments could be constituted as me giving advice--advice for which I could be held legally responsible for should the situation worsen. I'm not saying it will.

While no-one holds a layman responsible for off-the-cuff advice, a professional should only give advice after a complete assessment of the situation. Quite obviously I can't do that here...

I say I'm insane, and in my own way I am. But for being a bi-polar, I actually hold myself together very well.

I am not the type of bi-polar that gets a negative critique and goes "Man, I need to end it now."

Nor am I the type to take what people say over the internet into deep contemplative reflection. People do not typically effect me in that way. At least, not these days (During my teenage years, that was not the case at ALL)

I've learned how to deal with my disorder, at least as far as not letting others get me down is concerned. I do not typically have triggers; rather, the emotions just overcome me for seemingly no reason.

Interestingly enough, I use negative comments to my own benefit. If I feel someone is talking behind my back, I sit down at the computer and begin to write. I tell myself "Laugh now; I'll be the one with a career doing what I love."

Vengeance is a very powerful tool for me. Not on any physical level, of course, but on a purposeful level. If someone shoves me into the dirt, I stand back up if only to spite them when I succeed. Perhaps that sounds a bit psychotic, I don't know because all I know is me. Either way, the way I see it we all develop coping mechanisms. This is one of mine.

And let me say: I am NOT a violent person. Even with the manic episodes I retain that trait.

Honestly, I hate even using the term 'bi-polar'. I feel like when I describe myself as such, people believe me to be crazier than I really am.

Also, I realize how contradictory this all sounds to my above post. In retrospect, I should have made things clearer. I feel completely insane, especially during manic moments, because I have a very rational and logical approach to life (Outside of these moments, of course) The manic moments are not nearly at the level of some folk -- But to me, they seem to be.

My only initial purpose was to explain my situation, and to get advice from anyone on how they deal with bi-polar (Particularly, when it comes to the art of writing; a craft that can drive any sane man crazy.)

I thoroughly apologize if I have worried anyone. That was not my intent at ALL. I only hoped to acquire useful information I might take to my advantage.

If I'm not mistaken, Edgar Allen Poe was bi-polar. If such was the case I clearly have a chance despite my illness.

Also: Forgive me if I over-explain myself. It's a tendency passed down from my Mother, who always had to ask things a million times because I wouldn't hear them.

Edit: I also plan to respond to other posts here in a bit. I've read them all, so please don't think me to be ignoring you. There were many great comments, both uplifting and useful. Thanks a bunch, I'll respond when I'm not so pressed for... Sleep.

quote:

---

If I'm not mistaken, Edgar Allen Poe was bi-polar.

---

Aside: Be wary of comments about mental disorders of the once--famous in modern-day biographies---not only have these lay psychologists usually not examined their subjects, they're often not qualified to make diagnoses of this nature. Take it as supposition, even from the genuinely qualified. (And Poe's behavior can be accounted for several different ways...)

Plus there's always that knowledge in the back of my mind that I am in charge of this plot and, no matter how bad things get, I can make a happy ending come out of it. And that's a great feeling, no matter how down I was feeling initially.

quote:

---

I only hoped to acquire useful information I might take to my advantage.

If I'm not mistaken, Edgar Allen Poe was bi-polar. If such was the case I clearly have a chance despite my illness.

---

There are many artists, both writers and creative minds from other forums, who have displayed bipolar behavior throughout history. In fact, there seems to be a disproportionate number of people in the arts who have or now do display symptoms of bipolar disorder. I believe that this is largely due to the arts being a more emotionally-driven pleasure and pursuit. People with Bipolar Disorder experience greater emotional extremes and are likely attracted to the arts because of this.

Back to Poe: since his life was filled with such extremes, his attraction to writing could have been more of a result of experience than of a disability. Equally, a person's experiences can at times be a result of his/her expectations to some degree, which would be affected by bipolarism. It's hard to say.

quote:

---

Aside: Be wary of comments about mental disorders of the once--famous in modern-day biographies---not only have these lay psychologists usually not examined their subjects, they're often not qualified to make diagnoses of this nature. Take it as supposition, even from the genuinely qualified. (And Poe's behavior can be accounted for several different ways...)

---

Oh no: I don't assume these cases are all correct. I can, however, see why people would assume (Or diagnose, in some cases) such things. Either way, I don't see the harm in believing one way or another (Unless you're writing about the person and their circumstances, and want to present an objective viewpoint). Said greats are usually dead. I doubt they have too many grudges, particularly when said statements are used as a certain form of therapy for others.

Maybe that's arrogant of me. Again, I couldn't say for certain.

Osiris and Skadder: Personally, I take the middle road in regards to your debate. It's hard for me to attribute every bit of what goes on in my head to a physical process. That being said, I believe chemicals play a very gigantic role. A person injected with chemicals of various sorts can change completely -- So much sometimes as to not even seem the same person.

And, to make it even more frustrating, it does not seem to be consistent. Many people react to said chemicals in completely different ways -- Or not at all.

But then, there could be some science I don't understand behind all of that, too. I'm certainly no professional. No scientist. If I could be called anything it would be philosopher, and even that distinction would be incorrect.

I do try and use my disability to my advantage, and I do think I sometimes have the upper-hand because of it. I've seen the world through very different goggles than most. In writing that element can truly help. Of course, this is not to say people without bipolar are at disadvantage; everyone sees the world differently -- Some more than others -- And it certainly doesn't always help.

quote:

---

And, to make it even more frustrating, it does not seem to be consistent. Many people react to said chemicals in completely different ways -- Or not at all.

But then, there could be some science I don't understand behind all of that, too. I'm certainly no professional. No scientist. If I could be called anything it would be philosopher, and even that distinction would be incorrect.

---

Their is a scientific explanation, thought it may not be the only one. Think of the chemicals and your brain cells as the shapes and the sorter of a shape sorter toy a child might play with. If the chemical (the shape object) is able to "plug in" to a brain cell (a hole in the sorter) then it will effect the person. If either the chemical or the brain cell change, that connection either becomes less efficient or impossible, leading to reduced or no efficacy.

You might notice sometimes when you take a particular type of medicine regularly, you start to have to take a higher dose after a while, or even have to switch to another medicine. This happened to me with Ibuprofen. I get frequent headaches, some of them migraines, and have to take medicine for it often. Over time, repeated exposure to a medication will cause the receptors to that medicine to "adapt" and become less effected. So a higher dose is required to achieve the same effect. I had to go from 400mg to 800mg to have any effect on my headaches. I think this mechanism applies to cells outside the brain as well, but thats not my field of study.

In any case, my previous posts had the best of intentions for you, and I am glad that you see the good in your situation.