posted
The story is a 350 page suspense novel with a strong romantic element. Any comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
----------------------------------------------------------------- “I didn’t kill her,” Mason Bailey said, gulping down his third Glenlivet in a row. How many times had she heard those words? Dozens. But not from the mouth of a United States senator. For all Whitney Steel cared, the man could drink himself under the table, but not until she got what she’d come for. An exclusive. A steamy blast of wind kicked up under the turquoise awning shading the bar's patio. She sipped a frosty lime daiquiri, mesmerized by the brutal way the early afternoon sunlight magnified every line on Mason’s tanned face. God, he was too old to choose the Pink Flamingo Club for a rendezvous. “Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me? We cut our ties years ago.” And our losses, she wanted to add. ------------------------------------------------------------------
posted
Well, you do have me curious. Bailey says he didn't kill her...while he is gulping drinks at the Pink Flamingo Club. If there is any question about a murder by a senator, I'm left wondering why he is not in jail - and even if he is out - why she as a reporter has such seemingly easy access to him. My impression is that a senator in such a situation would be well insulated by his handlers and would be advised against speaking to anyone - let alone a reporter.
"...sunlight magnified every line on Mason's tanned face."
Sunlight may have made lines more apparent, but sunlight doesn't magnify anything.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 16, 2007).]
posted
Okay...hmmmm. I liked it, while at the same time I was bored. I had to read it twice to even remember what you wrote. This doesn't seem like the beginning of anything. Rather it feels to me like it should be somewhere after the beginning. It didn't hook me. I would keep reading, but only for a moment, maybe the first page if things didn't turn around fast. Hey, it is all probably just my personal preferences, I don't usually like mystery. Its only one murder, whereas in Sci-fi and fantasy its usually multi-thousands who die in some battle or other. I'm a bit callous I suppose.
Other than that, It seemed like alot of unnecessary details, about stuff I had no reason to care about.
The small hook that I felt was the part that it was a senator that she was interviewing. More on that perhaps. And less about details (ie. sunlight, drinks, magnified lines on faces) I just don't care about that stuff, its just filler for me. Perhaps, get me into her head more, what she is thinking, feeling, and wondering. .............................. <-- whole bunch of salt to go along with my post. Im probably full it.
posted
Guess I'm weird here, but I liked it alot; fun, breezy and active. I really didn't have a problem with Bailey appearing first as the protagonist is listening to him. The only thing is that a reporter would call him by his last name, as they are required to write them, and especially since this is a murder mystery, right?
Had to edit; used the wrong name, Mason.
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited January 17, 2007).]
posted
Order of presenting information is an issue; see FAQ's and helpful and discussions; discussions you think worth keeping; Just Tell Me.
>“I didn’t kill her,” Mason Bailey said, gulping down his third Glenlivet in a row. Didn't kill who?
>How many times had she heard those words? Dozens. But not from Who's "she"? Better to start with her (the first line suggests Bailey as POV character), and give her a name.
>the mouth of a United States senator. For all Whitney Steel cared, the man could drink himself under the table, but not until she got what she’d come for. An exclusive. I want to know earlier that she's a reporter. I'm still not sure why she's heard those words dozens of times. I doubt many reporters do. What does drinking himself under the table have to do with "I didn't kill her" or Bailey being a Senator? Non sequitir.
>A steamy blast of wind kicked up under the turquoise awning shading the bar's patio. She sipped a frosty lime daiquiri, mesmerized by the brutal way the early afternoon sunlight magnified every line on Mason’s tanned face. Maybe I want to know earlier that it's daytime; I thought it was night.
>God, he was too old to choose the Pink Flamingo Club for a rendezvous. I don't follow.
>“Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me? We cut our ties years ago.” And our losses, she wanted to add. Who said this? After re-reading I got that it was her. So they have a history. I'd rather know that up front.
An order of exposition like
Whitney Steel didn't want this assignment. She's a reporter. The story involves her ex-boyfriend or whatever turned Senator. He's accused of murdering a stripper he was involved with. He isn't in jail for such and such reason.
They're at the Flamingo Club...
This isn't the only OK order of exposition, maybe, but it's one. It follows the First Paragraph is Free dictum, and gives us what's going on with the story up front. The hook might be the relationship; or it might be the murder; or it might be the hardboiled-detective style you're showing.
posted
I'm going to damn with faint praise here, I fear. The opening is reasonably competent; I think it does its job (unlike wbriggs, I don't feel I need to know "who" he didn't kill - a name won't mean anything, and I trust the author to tell me soon enough). But the characterisation and narration... it just didn't have any freshness to it. You've got detailed descriptions of drinks, the Pink Flamingo, a lined, tanned face... these just feel stock descriptions of stock elements. Like a paint-by-numbers kit; you've kept between the lines, sure, and everything's clear, but it's still painting by numbers.
Make it live. Make it sound like your story, rather than anyone's story.
posted
It's fine writing but it's been done too often to hook me.
I also wanted more information or at least the information presented in a different format. I thought Mason was talking to an attorney especially given the "how many times had she heard those words?"
Once I found out she was a reporter seeking an exclusive, the plausibility issues killed me. There is no way a Senator is going to be talking to a reporter, even if she is his ex-whatever, when he could be suspected of murder. Heck if he was my client, I'd kill him just for thinking about talking to the press. Give me some reason to believe he'd slip his handlers and attorneys and that they'd let him to talk to her.
Maybe try to focus on Whitney's reactions to being HERE before Mason denies being a murderer. If you do that, we are firmly inside her POV and I can feel for her.
NITS -
"third Glenlivet in a row. . "
The "in a row" is unnecessary. If he's a Senator, he's going to be buying more expensive liquor.
"cared, the man could . ."
This would be a good place to hint at the prior relationship. Ex. "for all she cared, her ex-husband . . . "
She's drinking a daiquiri?! What is she 12? The drink doesn't match the type of character I think you mean for her to be. You might want to reconsider her beverage choice because that choice forms a mental picture, at least for me, that I'm not sure you want.
The description of the setting doesn't really help you. IMHO the "God, he was too old . . " is strong enough to stand by itself.
"Of all the reporters in Panama City, let alone Florida, why me?"
Was a bit too cute and Casablanca -ish for my taste. The "Why me? We cut our ties. . " is the heart of the sentance. I can wait to know we are in Florida, but I want to know thier relationship. Don't tease me. Just tell me.
posted
Thank you all for the helpful comments and suggestions. With this novel a chapter away from completion, the first few pages have been a thorn in my side. lol Time to make them work.
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