posted
This is a revised opening of a story I had started a few years ago, and am still working on actually, called Another's Eyes. Set in another time and realm, it tells the story of an nearly omnipotent being, and his interactions with the people of Poljevalki.
*
I watched them come. Hundreds of thousands, marching inexorably through my city. Those few who offered resistance were crushed.
I waited for them on the hill where I had first come to this world. I smiled at the irony. The armies were marching…coming to finally kill me, just as Janathor had always threatened. Why? Because they believed that I was responsible for their own idiocy.
To the bitter end, they had pressed me, tested me. Time and again I have seen it. A world that descends so swiftly into madness. Never in their wildest folly did they imagine that I would destroy their world. They assumed that the cost to me would be too great. They were wrong. My patience is not infinite. Even then, as they spat in my face, I waited, for the sake of one man.
The narrator isn't properly established by the terminology you use, nor do you establish the motive or purpose of the narration. When the narrator describes "them" marching "inexorably", that doesn't fit with the idea of near omnipotence. The fact that he doesn't have any opinion on the resistance (or lack of same) doesn't jibe with him calling it "his" city.
The character's attitude in the second paragraph doesn't quite gain my belief. You also have some real unclarity about the relationships of various statements starting.
Still, the concept seems quite interesting and worth pursuing.
posted
1st Person POV is usually not a good thing unless you can do it very well and with the premise you have my attention, but with some of the words, I personally wouldn't use them in 1st Person.
quote:Never in their wildest folly did they imagine that I would destroy their world.
I'll admit I had to look up folly in a dictionary, but now I know what it means and how to use it, I wouldn't use it. I'd just use dreams or hopes.
I can't find much more wrong with, just some usual grammar problems, but no one's perfect.
posted
Tanks for th comments so far. I negected to mention that at this point in the story, the character is basically bereft (I think thats spelled right) of his powers, and it's actually happening at the end of his relationship with these people.
[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited February 08, 2007).]
I watched them come. Hundreds of thousands, marching inexorably through my city. Those few who offered resistance were crushed.
I waited for them on the hill where I had first come to this world. The armies were marching…coming to finally kill me, just as Janathor had always threatened. I smiled at the irony. Janathor had spent his whole life believing in a lie, and now he had created one for himself.
He believed that they could kill me.
A world that descends so swiftly into madness. A people who refuse to see; who love darkness rather then light. The first rebellion had failed utterly. The people defended me then, willingly sacrificing themselves for my sake. The second rebellion had lasted longer than the first, but it fell away as
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 21, 2007).]
posted
I think this doesn't address the basic problems noted with the first. The concept is still potentially interesting, but this narration just doesn't gain my belief. In fact, I'm starting to actively disbelieve the narrator by the last lines of this version. I know that sounds funny...well, suffice to say that suspending disbelief only goes so far.
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posted
The purpose of the text, presumably, is to tell a story; but it doesn't tell enough that the reader can understand. Who's the narrator? Who are "they"? Who is Janathor, and what lie does he believe? Just tell us. (Also tell us what the narrator is going to be struggling for.) Then we can be hooked.
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posted
It's a little melodramatic. The protagonist appears to be in the middle of a somewhat serious conflict, but the reader has no invested interest in his/her well-being in the outcome. You might find that it is more fluent if you spend more time developing a bond between the character and the reader. That dosen't mean it can't start with action, but I would have felt more engaged if that need had been met.
You may consider starting the narritive earlier because you have multiple refrences to past events right off the cuff. That would give you more time to establish the aforementioned bond with the character.
[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited March 05, 2007).]
posted
The narrator in both versions is too detached. He doesn't feel threatened from what the POV is. They've come to kill him, and he is as calm as if it were the sunday sports section. Unless he is a god, he has no reason to be so aloof.
Does he fear them? If so, show that. Does he hate them? Ditto If yes to either of the above, why/why not? How does them coming after him make him feel. Even if it was inevitable, how does he feel? Is he sad? Afraid? Happy to finally be done? Show me some emotion.
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