It's a complete piece - YA supernatural fantasy. I'd love to read your comments on my first 13. (If you're willing to read more, tell me what to send you.)

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“Well Mary, what did you do this summer?”

“The usual. Cavorted with demons. Swore my soul to the devil.”

Mr. Landa took off his glasses to rub his eyes. The gesture made Mary smirk. It was only five minutes into the session, possibly a new record.

“Well…I’m glad you had a productive summer. I called you in today because I wanted to touch base with you on a few things.”

“And you couldn’t wait until after the first day of school to do this?”

Mr. Landa gave her a wry smile. “I did wait. It’s second period. I thought about calling you out of first.”

Mary slouched down further in her chair and began picking at her nails. Mr. Landa put his glasses back on and flipped open Mary’s

EDITED VERSION BELOW.

P.S. Forgive my spelling...

P.P.S. If i wasn't so busy, I'd read it all. As it is, I think I could squeeze in the first chapter. Just let me know what kind of crituqe you are looking for.

There are some things you can do from the beginning for clarity. In particular, let us know in the first paragraph whose POV it is.

I'd be willing to read the first chapter if you sent it to me.

If anyone else would like to chime in, please feel free.

Oh and sorry Kathleen, I swear it was 13 when I was looking at it on my computer, but I may have had a setting that was off. I'll be more careful in the future.

--Stephanie

This led me to think she was at the psychiatrist, which was refuted almost immediately, but you might want to rephrase that.

Also I think the first paragraph may have some problems. Rewording suggestions would be appreciated. I know the general suggestion is to name a character when first mentioned (I've made the suggestion myself), but having it be, "Mr. Landa had called..." seems too formal to me. What do you think?

Thanks!

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He’d called her out of class on the first day of school. Everyone already thought she was crazy, but having to see the guidance counselor on the first day of school had to be one step away from certifiable. Mary was not crazy. She just heard voices. Nothing crazy about that.

It wasn’t like she told anyone about the voices. She’d certainly never told Mr. Landa about them. If she did, she’d start by telling him about Mrs. Brown.

“Mary, I’m sorry. I tried to stop him, but he was determined. I mean, you should see his shins. They have to be black and blue.”

Mrs. Brown haunted Mr. Landa’s desk. She was a former school nurse. It had been her desk when she’d been alive.

Mr. Landa called her out of class the first day of school.

(do you need the "had called" for any specific timing reason?)

I agree that first paragraph is problematic, not sure I can improve but I'll put some ideas here.

Mr. Landa called Mary (no need to be cute and not name the MC in the first line too...) out of class the first day of school. People already thought she was crazy. Being called in to the guidance counselor on the first day of school pretty much sealed that up.

What was so crazy about hearing voices? Mary wasn't stupid enough to actually *tell* anyone about them. I mean, if she were going to, she'd start with Mrs. Brown, who right now was hovering behind Mr. Landa wringing her hands. She spoke, but of course Mary was the only one to hear her.

"Mary, I'm sorry. I tried to stop him, but he was determined. I kicked his shins a lot and tried to trip him, he *should* be black and blue. Being non-corporeal is a real pain in the ass sometimes."

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Random try, maybe it'll give you some ideas. I had a little trouble with the "mary was not crazy/heard voices/that's not crazy" - because really, we all know hearing voices is generally an indication of crazy! So...in the world you're building/where the story takes place, hearing voices isn't crazy. Is that because there are others who hear them? or beacause Mary is deluded (which, after all, makes her crazy.) So, as you can see in my suggestions above, I skipped over that part a bit.

I also didn't get that the ghost tried to stop Mr. Landa by kicking him (hence his shins would be black and blue) until a few readings. Little too subtle for the opening of a ghost character, at least for me.

quote:

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He’d called her out of class on the first day of school. Everyone already thought she was crazy, but having to see the guidance counselor on the first day of school had to be one step away from certifiable. Mary was not crazy. She just heard voices. [needed?-->Nothing crazy about that. ]

It wasn’t like she told anyone about the voices. She’d certainly never told Mr. Landa about them. If she did, she’d start by telling him about Mrs. Brown.[How old is she? Is this high school?; grammar school?; middle school?]

“Mary, I’m sorry. I tried to stop him, but he[WHO? Who was determined and to WHAT? This shouldn't be a mystery: it's the reason that Mr. Landa called her into his office.] was determined. I mean, you should see his shins. They have to be black and blue.”

Mrs. Brown[A ghost should be introduced earlier] haunted Mr. Landa’s desk. She was a former school nurse. It had been her desk when she’d been alive

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Mary doesn't reveal any emotions, and I don't get enough out her tone to imagine what she's feeling.

One suggested revision:

Mary sat across from her guidance councilor, Mr. Landa, and smoothed her dress. When she was nervous, Mary fanatically removed lint and straightened wrinkles. It was the first day of school and she'd been called to the office already. She hoped the trouble wasn't because of the voices. She never told anyone about the voices. They would think she was crazy. She wasn't crazy: she was psychic. She saw ghosts, like the one that paced behind Landa's desk.

Landa looked over his steepled fingers at Mary. He raised an eyebrow. Mary knew that look. When Landa cocked an eyebrow, it meant lecture. He could save his lectures for someone who cared. Who did he think she was, some 3rd grader? She was a sophomore this year!

He wouldn't be so smug if he knew that Nurse Brown was behind him. Dead or not, Nurse Brown brooked no nonsense. The desk he sat at used to be hers, and she wanted it back. Mary winced at Nurse Brown as she reached across Landa's desk and grabbed his coffee mug.

I entirely eliminated mention of the shin-kicking incident, because I didn't yet know what it was about.

They've given me a lot to think about.

I was trying to be flippant in the first paragraph about being crazy and hearing voices, but that seems to have fallen flat. Would it work better if I tweaked those sentences with something like, "Mary wasn't crazy. No, she thought, I just hear voices. Nothing crazy about that. Mary mentally rolled her eyes."?

“The usual. Cavorted with demons. Swore my soul to the devil.”

you could change one of those statements to mention ghosts, but keep it flippant! That statement is the hook for me, and I would like to see it lead into her reality.

Edit: Oh, and I'd love to read your first chapter.

Now leasing is another matter entirely.

MrsBrown: Nice suggestion. I will play around with it.

sesavage: Thank you for the offer, but I need to play around with the story to get it ready for another round of critiques.

SimonSays: I think if I accomplish what MrsBrown suggests that it will fix the logic problem.