posted
This is a completed novel of about 53K. With its length, I'm not sure what to do with it. Here are the first thirteen (I hope). Any comments on them would be great, especially the third sentence. With the first thirteen would you want to read on. Any takers for the first chapter would be great too (2000 words). Thanks.
Loud, rasping breaths filled his ears with chaotic sound, each one a little faster, each one a little louder than the previous. Head remained level with the horizon; eyes looked to the floor ahead. It seemed only right that he should see the grey concrete, though it failed to register on anything other than a primitive level. Just the thud, thud, thud of each heavy footstep evidence only of the existence, of the tangibility of the long, straight road before him that he ran along this morning, and the shockwaves that reverberated though his legs and up toward joints that sucked up the excess energy and turned it into the raw power of pure animal instinct. The instinct of flight.
[edited to change 'they' to 'he'.]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited April 04, 2007).]
posted
I was somewhat confused reading this. At first, I thought you were writing about someone going for a run, but the last sentence indicates a panicked flight. If fearful running was what you were trying to describe, than I think you should get that out in the open from the start. Also, if it is running, you might consider shorter, tighter sentences.
Loud, rasping breaths filled his ears with chaotic sound, each one a little faster, each one a little louder than the previous. Head remained level with the horizon; eyes looked to the floor ahead. It seemed only right that they ...
[WHO IS 'THEY' OR ARE 'THEY' HIS EYES - IF EYES THAN IT SHOULD READ, "It only seemed right that he should see the grey concrete, although it didn't register on but a subliminal level.]
should see the grey concrete, though it failed to register on anything other than a primitive level. Just the thud, thud, thud of each heavy footstep evidence only of the existence, of the tangibility of the long, straight road before him that he ran along this morning, and the shockwaves that reverberated though his legs and up toward joints that sucked up the excess energy and turned it into the raw power of pure animal instinct. The instinct of flight.
It is too vague for me to be hooked or to make it to the end of the 13 if it weren't posted here. It might work better if you tell me who/what is the POV. There is obviously more than one being present because you use "they" but I have no sense of what "they" are. Humans? Bug people? Lizard heads? Elves? Evil Robot Monkeys? Zombies?
Something like:
Jake the cow ran from farmer Brown. Brown had taken Billy away yesterday and no one had seen Billy since. That Brown wanted Jake couldn't be good.
While silly at least tells me what's happening. I have a POV I might care about.
posted
Falcon, 'They' are his eyes - will clear that one up. And he's alone on the road.
It's difficult to get a hold of a clear POV for this first scene because HE doesn't know why he's running, what he's running from, or who he is... if I put all that in the first scene, I wouldn't need the story - that's the whole point of it, for him to descover the truth. 'Pure animal instinct' was there hopfully to help get that point across. Guess that didn't work!
Do you have any suggestoins of how to get the fact across that this man has no memory, no thoughts, nothing going on inside his head but for a need to run - from what, he doesn't know.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited April 04, 2007).]
>Do you have any suggestoins of how to get the fact across that this man has no memory, no thoughts, nothing going on inside his head but for a need to run - from what, he doesn't know.
The way you describe it here doesn't seem plausible or interesting to me. Plausible: if I were running from I knew not what, I'd stop! Interesting: "Nothing going on in his head but a need to run" is a pretty empty head. I would find the character more interesting if he were himself interested in what's going on.
But if you do want the character to function this way, you can tell the reader what you told us. "He didn't know why he was running, what he was running from, or even who he was..." After all, that's important information!
He ran along the road, he didn't know who he was, why he ran...
That would imply thought going around his head - but there are none because of something that happened to him and he does regain his senses when next we meet him.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited April 04, 2007).]
posted
This is a crude example and you'd need to put it into your voice/style, anyway, but how about something like:
Fear. Fear pushed him along the grey concrete path, each running step faster than the last. He wasn't aware enough yet to even realize that didn't know who he was or what he ran from, but animal instinct prodded him on.
posted
I think I may understand why you have a length issue. You have a POV issue.
quote: It's difficult to get a hold of a clear POV for this first scene
That might be true for the rest of the story as well. . .
You could rewrite the first 13 as Darklight and DebbieKW suggest and be truely full omniscient. With Full Omni, you can tell the reader things the MC doesn't know.
OR you could use a 3rd person narrator who is not the MC. This also gives you the ability to tell the reader what the MC doesn't know.
OR you could sink into the MC's head. Most readers, I think, will prefer this POV. If the MC "comes to conciousness" running, I think Will's right. He's going to stop and try to figure out what the heck is going on. If you are in the MC's head, the reader needs to perceive things the way the MC does.
It's okay that he doesn't know but let me be confused about the things he should be: why am I on this road? How did I get here? Where is here? What am I running from? Who am I? The current version is missing that intimacy with the MC.
Once you pick a POV that you are comfortable with, how you express the concepts should be easier.
posted
I certainly have a POV issue with this scene but from there on in its clear third person. I think I was trying to do this scene in a way that wasn't possible in order to give it clarity and to make it interesting enough to read on. As you've all said, I have clarify a POV for this scene. Anyhow, you've certainly made me think here and I have decided on one of two options.
Either:
Go straight into the second scene at the point of the explosion that happens at the end of scene one, then look back over it in retrospect from the viewpoint of the CCTV camera that was watching the running man, or:
Rewrite the scene from the POV of the man, to get inside his head and explain his motives in the best possible way for running away from the building that is then the seat of an explosion.
Thanks guys: I shall repost when I have made the alterations.
posted
Ok - here's another go at it. Hope this it clearer - all thoughts welcome.
The loud, rasping breaths filled his ears with frightening sound. He couldn’t be sure if they were his own, or that of someone chasing him. Why he ran, he didn’t know. Why he felt so afraid, he didn’t know. Who he was… he didn’t know. Clarity refused to come. Sweat dripped from his forehead onto his torn, bloody shirt. If only he could remember something – remember what he was doing… when… six years ago? And now this fear. This need to run. A fear deep inside prevented him from stopping, from turning back to discover what was behind. He was conscious of the concrete beneath his feet
posted
I've got a few problems,(They may be NITS):
The loud, rasping breaths filled his ears with frightening sound. He couldn’t be sure if they were his own, or that of someone chasing him.[How can he not know if the breathing is him or somewhere behind him?] Why he ran, he didn’t know.[He knows why he's running, he's afraid.] Why he felt so afraid, he didn’t know.[This is becoming a little redundant] Who he was… he didn’t know. Clarity refused to come.
As a reader: I hope, after all of this, you are going to show what/who is chasing him. I don't have to get all of the answers to the questions that he's asking himself, but if I don't learn--and soon--what is chasing him (or how he got torn and bloody), I will be done with the story.
My take (even if it's completely off) on moving the story along: His heart pounded and his mind screamed, Run. Run like hell. A profound fear prevented him from stopping, from turning back to discover what was behind. He had to get away. If he stopped, he was a dead man. And he didn't even know why. Everything before this morning was a complete blank.
Sweat dripped from his forehead onto his torn, bloody shirt.
posted
Nit - maybe this has been pointed out, didn't scan other feedback yet.
Loud, rasping breaths aren't a chaotic sound. They're a well-ordered sound. Breath has a rythm and cadence that is predictable, therefore not chaotic.
That last sentence is a doozy. It is several distinct thoughts: thud thud = I exist. I ran a long straight road this AM. My awesome joints sucked up the energy of the shockwaves, wow I'm a beauty - you should see me. I suspect each could be its own sentence.
posted
Sorry, another nit - seeing the revised version now. How would he know how long ago his last memory was if he *has no memory of the time*!!! If the passage of 6 years is important for us readers to know, someone other than this poor amnesiac POV character is going to have to tell us! Or the amnesiac is going to have to get a good look at a newspaper or something. Posts: 1911 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
darklight: this puts on in a certain frame of mind; if this is your opening, the sense of tensity, the fact that he's running from something is successfully conveyed. Just wanted to encourage you with that. The next thing will be to deliver on telling us what this is all about--the 13 lines obviously can't convey everything. This is focused. That's good. I think you're right to concentrate on other things. But make sure whatever is stand out about your story, the concept that will suck interest in, comes pretty soon after this. The running-away person isn't interesting yet. We get his frame of mind; next you have to hook us into the world enough we want to stay.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
It sounds like nightmare stuff - to come into consciousness in the middle of an action, not knowing why or who. I like the rythym of it quit a bit -he did not know, he did not know. But I think the line "clarity would not come" took it a step back from the immediate - maybe you could work on into a line about "the only thing he did know was he dare not stop running.' ?
The reference to 6 years threw me a little. It also seemed a step back from the immediacy of his flight. It implies a lot of thinking - how does he know it's from six years ago? I'm not saying it's wrong, but how did he get from "i know nothing" to "the last thing I remember is six years ago?" he would have had to run by something with a date on it, right? Like the billboard in Atlas Shrugged. Creepy. it worked then, it could work now, and would let the reader know when it is. P.S. i'll swap you a chapter. I would love to look at more. Hope this helps deb
posted
also, i would think that his condition, sweating, aching legs, burning muscles, would tell him that he had been running for a while. Would this be important? Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Again, thank you for your comments; ArachneWeave and debhoag.
I never said this in my original posts, but I wrote this last year as my first attempt at NaNo. It was the first thing I had written after a couple of years of wondering why I bothered writing anything. The first scene is too long - way too long - to convey the fact that this is guy is running away from a building, with no memory. I think I will probably scrap the first scene [I quite like the rest of it] and work it into scene two.
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