A tiny bundle of brown, wrinkled flesh, the baby screamed as the nurse held it beneath its arms. The creases of its body were streaked with white grease, its skin spotted with blood. She laid the baby on the blanket – it kicked with strong legs as she wrapped it.

The nurse handed the baby to its mother. “It’s a boy,” she said with no emotion.

Corrine Bain need not hear the words. It was a boy that she had wished for, and it was a boy that she received. “Caladan,” she whispered - the name that she had chosen for her son.

I don't have a sense of POV and it comes across a bit too cinematic for me. It seemed like you were striving for a full omni voice but didn't quite get there.

Calling the baby "it" really bothered me. Even in full omni or 3rd limited, the narrator knows what gender the baby is. If Corrine is supposed to be the POV, she wouldn't think of her baby as "it." She'd be asking what the baby's gender is.

The language is a bit stiff and formal i.e. "Corrine Bain need not hear the words."

Having had two kids, this doesn't ring true as a delivery room scene.

If the scene is the birth of a savior or child of prophecy watch out for the cliche police. Based on the 13, I assume that's where you are headed.

I think I get from your first 13 that you want to have the nurse treating the baby really no-nonsense, so she wouldn't go babbler's direction w/carefully cradling and all that. I suggest sticking the "it's a boy" the nurse said (in a monotone...or with no emotion) as the first line. Try it out. The descriptions of the boy can wait until after we hear mom give him a name.

The "she held him. The restraints." could be two sentences. It would be helpful to have more understanding of these restraints, and why her skin was red and raw (thrashing labor?)

I started out calling teh baby HIM, changed it to IT and will possibily change it back.

Kayti - yes I could have said vernix but I didn't want the reader to be thinking 'what's that?' instead of reading. I agree though that streaked is a better word than spotted.

nitewriter - I understand that you would want to know about the mother, but it's the baby who is important in this scene and I didn't want to go into depth about her at this stage. I counted 13 when I posted it - don't know how it ended up as 8?

IB - All the major clean-up work is done as we enter this scene- perhaps I need to alter it to make that clear. I played around with that first sentance, couldn't really get it right.

'standard procedure to clean out the baby's nostrils, and clean off the baby before handing it over to the mother.' and scrub its head with a nail brush to remove the white grease - as they did with my son!

Jennifer - (and kay-ti) wouldn't saying more about the restraints be using valuable words explaining things that don't really matter hugely to the story? would to say; '...restraints that allowed her to move her arms to hold her baby to her chest...' for example (or something along those lines) be too much (when I use far too many words anyhow!) or would that clear up the confusion?

I thought of the name at last minute - I didn't like the original one I had for her.

kings_falcon - no, it's not the usual delivery room scene - no one particularly wants to be near mother or child. She already knows what gender the baby is, something I need to make clearer along the way perhaps.

'If the scene is the birth of a savior or child of prophecy...' Its quite the opposite actually. Both his parents are quite criminally insane and, chances are, he will be too - and very powerful (they have certain abilities of the mind) so he is presumed dangerous.

zero - don't have to apologise - there's no copyright on titles!

With the previous point in mind - as this was written number three of six, do I need to fully explain what this particular world of people can do re: their mind; or is a quick (two or three sentances max) explanation OK?

I'm trying for omni for this scene. The mother's POV comes into it, but the scene is being watched from outside the room by a man who's from their equivilent of Social Services, who has to find a new home (off-world) for the child.

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I counted 13 when I posted it - don't know how it ended up as 8?

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I count 12, which is why I didn't cut it. I'm curious about how you are counting now.

Corrine Bain pulled angrily at the restraints around her wrists as she watched the nurse carelessly clean her screaming new born son with the towel. She wanted to hold him, to comfort him now as they’d told her she could have a mere five minutes with him before they took him away - forever.

The nurse offered the baby to her finally. With her voice flat, she said, “It’s a boy.”

Corrine didn’t need to hear her words; she knew she would have a boy even before the embryo was implanted into her womb. She took the baby and cradled him in her arms, then pulled him close into her chest with care.

“Caladan,” she whispered – the name that she and his father had chosen for their son. At full stretch, the restraints dug into her already red raw wrists.

[edited to add missing word!]

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Corrine Bain pulled angrily at the restraints around her wrists as she watched the nurse carelessly clean her screaming new born son with the towel. She wanted to hold him, to comfort him now[. not needed--> as Capitalize: T]hey’d told her she could have [needed?-->a mere] five minutes with him before they took him [needed?-->away] - forever.

The nurse offered the baby to her[,] finally. [With (Suggest: Her voice was cold and flat[. she = The nurse] said, “It’s a boy.”

Corrine didn’t need to hear her words; she knew she would have a boy even before the embryo was implanted into her womb. [Why? Is she like the Bene Gesserits in Dune: does she have the ability to choose which sperm her egg lets in?] She took the baby and cradled him in her arms, then pulled him close into her chest with care.

“Caladan,” she whispered – the name that she and his father [I'm confused. "...the embryo was implanted..." gives me the impression that she didn't know his father. Maybe you should give us more of what she's feeling, instead.] had chosen for their son. At full stretch, the restraints dug into her already red raw wrists.

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...the scene is being watched from outside the room by a man who's from their equivilent of Social Services, who has to find a new home (off-world) for the child.

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If you want to go with a Social Services Agent's perspective, that could have a lot more possiblities. For instance, it would be easier to explain -- as one agent tells another why they are taking the baby, while they watch through the window on the door -- the mental powers of Caladan's parents. You could show us what you want us to see, and have the agents hear her name Caladan, without struggling on the how could she know aspect -- it would already be answered by one agent explaining it to the other.

I would probably have to introduce a third charcater for the explanation stuff but that wouldn't be a problem. I think I'm going off to do that now

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(and before I forget - stupid question, but how do you do that qoute thing?)

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You type [ and Quote and then ] at the beginning, and [ then /Quote and then ] at the end.

There is a section marked *UBB Code is ON to the left of your reply box, it has a list of codes.

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how do you do that qoute thing?

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I guess I'd better check the FAQ topics and make certain they are visible (that question is answered there).

What you do is highlight what you want to quote, then copy it (with Ctrl-C or the copy option in the edit pull-down menu), then paste it into your reply box.

Then, right before what you are quoting, put the word

quote

inside a set of square brackets [ ]

and at the end of what you are quoting, put the word

quote

with a / backslash in front of it

/quote

inside another set of squqre brackets [ ]

The reason I can't do that here is that you won't see my examples because they will make a quote box.

If you want to know how to do other things with code (like italics and bold), you can click on the link to the left of the reply box that says

*UBB Code is ON

and it will show you the codes for other things you might want to do.

I hope that helps.

As for explaining the backstory of the kid and his potential, I have no idea how you're structuring your whole series, but yes - you do need to do a little bit of explaining in each book about what's transpired, if for no other reason than to catch your readers back up on who's who and what's what. However, I don't think that has to happen in the first page or two of a story. I've seen some authors hold off for a chapter or two even, and some elements of the story they wait until it's an appropriate time and then put in some type of explanation, reminiscing, exposition, etc. to catch the reader up.

If you are trying for full omni (the ability to see into everyone's head) and not 3rd limited omni (the ability to see inside one character's head), you aren't there. This reads as Third Ltd Omni. The difficulty with Full Omni is making the transitions clearly and without confusion.

If someone is watching the scene, I need to know that. I don't get the sense that the nurse is afraid or concerned about mother's or child's abilities. She just seems bored. Let me know something is different is going on here.

You do need to tell me a sentance or two about the mind powers because each book should be able to stand alone even if part of a series. It will help with the hook. Right now I'm thinking insane girl or girl in a prision of some sort having baby, what's the big deal.

Showing this scene from Holt's POV might help you convey the information. What does he think about the situation? Is he concerned about dumping the kid off somewhere rather than killing him? I wouldn't do the "so you know Bob, Corrine is an evil robot monkey and by law ERMs aren't allowed to keep thier children" because it is an info dump.

But Holt thinking:

"Even after the ordeal of child birth, Corrine Bain looked like a china doll. He had a hard time reconciling the innocent face with the monster that had murdered 1000 people by shattering thier minds, but the dossier he carried confirmed that Corrine was the Black Widow. The child's father has slaughtered millions with his biological weapons. Thier child had to be taken away from Corrine before she could twist his soul."

Works better for me. Now I know the stakes and why I should care. Obviously my made up plot details aren't your plot but . . . maybe it helps.

I agree the "embryo implanted in her womb" makes it sound like a medical procedure intervened rather than a more traditional mating. Why would someone breed the criminally insane? Why would the wardens allow them to breed by choice?

" . . .pulled angrily at the restraints . . " - "angrily" isn't needed because the action suggests the adverb.

I'd like some sense of who the people are who are going to take the child away. Changing the line to:

"to comfort him now as the evil robot monkeys had said she would have a mere five minutes with him before they took him away"

doesn't add much to the word count but does help me figure out what is going on and why I should care.

The "forever" at the end of that sentance is probably unnecessary and a bit melodramatic.

Same thing with the "with care" when she holds him.

Bigger Plot/ Plausibility type questions for me (unrelated to the 13 so you can ignore them or email me separately if you want):

If mom and dad are criminally insane how did the manage to conceive a child?

If the child could be so dangerous why not just kill him rather than relocate him?

If "they" are going to take him away would they really give her any time with the child? Especially where she has some "powers" and might be able to influence him?

I've tried to write the scene using Holt's POV but I couldn't seen to get it right. It seemed like I was trying to explain too much too quickly - when I'm actually after a little mystery so when we meet up with Caladan years later, we learn more about him/his parents/his past/where he is from ect as he learns it.

I've just finished reading Self-editing for Fiction Writer and it says not to have dialogue for the sake of informing the reader - that's what it seemed I was doing. It also says that you don't have to tell the reader eveything - to leave some mystery, which is the idea behind this first scene - of course, it also has to draw the reader in. Finding the right balance is going to be difficult.

I thought also that you might start off with the line "It's a boy." Something like this:

"It's a boy," said the nurse in a flat voice as she carelessly scrubbed off the baby with a grey prison towel.

Corrine pulled angrily at the restraints around her wrists, desperate to hold her newborn son for the short time she was allowed before they took him away forever.

Or something like that. She might then spend the time while she is holding him gazing at him, thinking about how he came to be and how she always thought he would be a boy, etc.

Just a small thing: the phrase carelessly clean did not really work for me, because if you are really being careless, you are not really getting anything clean...

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when I'm actually after a little mystery so when we meet up with Caladan years later, we learn more about him/his parents/his past/where he is from ect as he learns it.

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So why show us this at all? If the main story is years later and about Caladan figuring out who and what he is, it might be better NOT to show this and have the reader learn it as Caladan does. Of course, it's your call.

For Holt if you want him as the POV, don't have him explain it to someone else - the "As you know Bob" concept. Get into his head. He's going to be thinking/feeling something about the event and those thoughts can give us some of the details you want to bring out. My four line example of Holt's possible thoughts conveyed the information you wanted without having any dialog. It's not the only way to do it. It's probably not even the best way to do it, but if you sink into the right person's POV you can convey the information without sounding like you are.

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is most of the story about Caladan when he is grown? And these scene is sort of a prologue? If that is so, it works for me from this POV...

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Half of the story is about Caladan, the other half another story that runs alongside it. They are linked, and finally come together halfway or so through. So this is I guess a prologue but I don't call it a prologue.

Holt does come into the story again years later but only a small part so does he warrant being important enough to begin with? I don't know?

Dean Silverman looked out from amongst the partygoers. Something wasn’t right. It wasn’t anything he could see or hear. It didn’t have a smell or a sound. It had a feeling. And it made him uncomfortable.

Gentle chatter and the clinking of glasses drowned out the soft background music. Dean rubbed tired eyes then looked around the room in search of the Director; his boss.

Why am I here? I don’t even like Valentino.

Dean stepped backwards and stood by the wall; he hoped to blend into the décor and disappear. He wished he was anywhere else but there. He worked for Vale; didn’t deserve to be a guest at his son’s birthday. The pretence of the party bothered him enough without adding to that the sense of guilt...

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Dean Silverman looked out from amongst the partygoers. [Where?] Something wasn’t right. [It wasn’t anything he could see or hear. It didn’t have a smell or a sound. This is redundant. It (had=gave him?) a feeling.<--Tell us more about this-->] And it made him uncomfortable.[How? Why?]

Gentle chatter and the clinking of glasses drowned out the soft background music. Dean rubbed tired eyes then looked around the room in search of the Director [Valentino?]; his boss.

Why am I here?[<--Italics] I don’t even like Valentino [<--If this is not the Director, who is it?].

Dean stepped backwards and stood by the wall; he [hoped or tried?] to blend into the décor [and disappear<--redundant]. He wished he was anywhere else but there. He worked for Vale[Who? or What?; [he] didn’t deserve to be a guest at his son’s birthday. The preten[s]e of the party bothered him enough[,] without adding to that the sense of guilt...

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If you expanded on the first paragraph, and his feelings -- or the mental abilities? invading Dean's head -- I think this would draw me in.

I liked the sense of wrongness. It was the hook for me. Because of that I didn't have an issue with the next few lines where the MC is trying to figure out what is wrong. I would expect the sense of "wrong" to color everything else but it gets lost in the next few lines.

Dean can look around and wonder all these things but the wondering should be related to the "wrongness."

So you can slow down and fill in a bit of information IB suggested without losing me. All you have to do is keep me believing that my questions about the "wrongness" will be answered and I'd keep going.

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By the end of this scene (actually, by the end of the first page) you find out what is wrong specificaly, but as far as Dean is concerned, his whole being at the party is wrong.

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I am 76,000 words into what I plan to be a 120,000 word novel, the first of the series which will probably be more like twice the amount I originally wrote because they will be much shorter. I should get it finished by the end of May.

I will post first thirteen then, and hopefully be looking for readers for the first couple of chapters.