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My summary (posted earlier) is still a disaster area, but I think it's time to a plunge and ask for some critical feedback on the first few chapters of this manuscript. If you're not interested in this, skip following ramblings. You're welcome to just look at the fragment.

The story is weakest in the first few chapters, I think. A problem stemming from the fact that the humor of high-school boys playing Go Fish, because they can super-cheat was what started me on it, and it morphed into much more. I need someone to help me deconstruct the opening for making the actual plot enter more quickly, or at least pick up the tension in the beginning.

I have revised it quite heavily already, so readers who can assess its overall flaws are what I'm looking for. I can send a synopsis along with the chapters for anyone who's interested.
This novel is completed at 70,000 words. It's been heavily edited toward the front for pacing, but is in second draft (cleaned up line by line) throughout.

Someone who can dialog a bit about what they notice, and discuss fixes would be really welcome.

As for specific crits on this fragment -

quote:

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Go Fish at Compass Heights High School was like anything else for the students there: necessarily <remove> complicated. Living in an enclave of superpowered people was just <remove, lazy word doesn't add much> like that.
Altair wasn't just fidgeting because the linoleum was uncomfortable, or because he was nervous--it was a really good way to cheat. He had gotten much better <at cheating? at Go Fish? at Fidgeting? I lost the reference> since Aloysius had started on this Go Fish kick. At being an undetected cheater. <oh, is this what he got better at? This should probably go up with the other sentence...> He generally didn't see any more than he used to. <does he have super vision?> Unlike the mind powers <lost me. Does MC have super-vision, which is not in the category of "mind powers"?>, he had to cheat the normal way.
"Orion, do <missing you, or was this done for dialect effect?>have a six?"
"Go fish."
Only Orion could have managed to make that <what? lost the reference again> an insult to his intelligence, musculature, and guardian angel <early in spec fiction stories, I'll take everything you say seriously - so does Orion's guardian angel sit next to him while playing Go Fish, or is he somewhere else? wink, be warned, spec fiction readers are like this - they take you LITERALLY!> all at once, in the mere tone of his voice.

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quote:

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Go Fish at Compass Heights High School was like anything else for the students there: necessarily complicated I really don't see any high schooler playing Go Fish, so this sentance throws me out of the story before I even get there. Living in an enclave of superpowered people was just like that. what's your POV. I see this sentance as having a 1st person flavor, but in the next line I'm made to think it's 3rd.

Altair wasn't just fidgeting because the linoleum was uncomfortable, or because he was nervous--it was a really good way to cheat. what's the point of cheeting at Go Fish? What's at stake here? He had gotten much better since Aloysius This name is very difficult to read. It makes the eyes stop, you don't want that had started on this Go Fish kick. At being an undetected cheater. He generally didn't see any more than he used to. Unlike the mind powers, he had to cheat the normal way. I have no idea what you mean by this. Is he trying to say he has mind powers?

"Orion, do have youa six?"

"Go fish."

Only Orion could have managed to make that an insult to his intelligence, musculature, and guardian angel are you being literal here? What guardian angel. I thought these were a sort of superhero class of people. Plue there's too many adjectives here to soak in. It's kind of distracting cause I don't know what to latch on to all at once, in the mere tone of his voice.

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...Blasted literalists.
No, I understand. ^_^ v
It seemed funny at the time...that's pretty much the story behind this whole manuscript. "It seemed funny at the time."
And my family (with whom I share my dubious sense of humor) all enjoyed it in its current state. I guess it's time to overhaul it for more general audiences?

Aloysius is a real name, btw, and he's only a minor (though pivotal[foreshadow]) character. And part of the fun and games was giving these guys whack names because the supers have their own subculture.
Of course, I'll keep everyone's opinions in mind. Of course.
And I don't mean to imply none of this will get fixed immediately, either. Some of it will. Once I've wrapped my brain about how in the world it could go differently.

Now off to edit my feed-back request. (Be it hooks or bios or critique guidelines, I'm really just no good at non-fiction!)

I presume aloysius is pronounced like this: al-oh-wish-ess. Sort of. But yeah, it is a mouthful. Can you do one with fewer soft vowels? Still a ridiculous name (because, after all, isn't that part of the fun of being a writer? Being able to name all these "babies"?) but maybe something with a few more consonants?

But yeah, spec fiction readers do take you literally. I think OSC says this in Writing SF and Fantasy, and gives some great examples. Once I read that, I realized how true it was - as I tend to read EVERYTHING this way even stuff that isn't supposed to be spec fiction. Then I find myself having to go back and consciously remember "Oh, this isn't a spec fiction piece, I should assume they're speaking allegorically here." Amusing, if nothing else. But all this to say, there's stil plenty of leeway and humor opportunities with literal interpretations. Frankly, a guardian angel who is corporeal and sits next to a super is a really funny idea. Make it a sidekick. Smallish, fairy-like, and ill-tempered because the darn super keeps getting himself into trouble. Maybe a narcoleptic guardian angel, lack of sleep and all. Always dozing on his shoulder. Tons of room for fun is my point.

I'm no expert at humor writing, but I know there's an art. No matter what, when you write humor, you have to expect that it just won't work for some people. I think there are a few great humorists who can make everyone laugh, but the rest of us have to hope we make the people we intended to laugh (that is, the primary audience for our work.) If I recall correctly, this is teen-oriented. Make teens laugh, and you're in like flynn. That may mean some of us will say "Huh? I didn't get it" often. Finding some good teen pre-readers is helpful. Any sci-fi clubs at local high schools? Robotics clubs? English teachers who would be willing to let you present in class one day, give out your email addy if anyone's interested in giving you feedback? Teen reading groups at local bookstores, libraries, or churches?

I do know Speed. I play it with my siblings. The point is that it's < eyeroll > *Go Fish*. Later on we feature rummy; but without cheating, and without forfeits.

What age is your teen target? I have a (mature) 10-11 year old reader in my reader bank. I might be able to get her attention (she likes sci-fi), however she is not prolific with feedback. Mostly just "liked/didn't like" kinds of feedback.

Sorry. That whole post was worded funny. I'm torn between interpreting that last "by the way, I'll read this if I have to" or "if you're still looking readers I might serve". Which is it? ?_?

And even though I like your concept and think it's going places, I'm not offering to read because I just don't have time right now.

Serves 'em right for offering if they didn't mean it, right? When crime is it's own punishment, the innocent can rest easy.