I'm still only muddling this worse, e'nt I...

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited June 04, 2007).]

I'm not Grammar Girl, but there's some tense shifting that makes this a little challenging to read. Example: they've thought, falls, is used to having, there's, is. Those are the verbs in the second paragraph (may have missed one or two) - aren't they in a variety of tenses?

Also, being honest, I'm pretty confused. 5th conscious Neo? You told me there's a "NeoPol" enclave where Illiana and her friends have grown up, are they the only Neos? I got the feeling they were some of many.

The sentence "Of course, there's the little matter of supervillainy, behind it all." was fine - without the "behind it all." Or, change it to "a supervillain, behind it all."

Midway through school? The school year? I don't follow that whole line - the community falls into a catatonic state that bypasses them? Isn't that contradictory? Does the community fall into a catatonic state or not? Does it bypass them or not? The freak accident - is it meaningful? I don't have any information about it. Did it impact the super-villain mentioned in the next lines? Did it impact Illiana and her friends?

In the last paragraph, you mention "their relegation to mascot status" - when did that happen? During the freak accident that caused them to fall into a catatonic state that bypassed their community?

And who are the comatose Neos? Are THEY in a catatonic state from the freak accident that bypassed them midway through school? So there's more than 5 conscious ones? well, or, are they UNconscious, and hence the reason for using the word conscious to describe Neos in the end of the previous paragraph?

I think all of my feedback stems from a fundamental problem with this. I think that you haven't been able to fully step back from the story to figure out what the audience does/doesn't know. Is that possible? I think we just went through this with another crit recently, it's a common problem we all have from time to time.

I would propose a rewrite, but I have to run. I might dabble later, if you'd like (some people HATE having crit'ers rewrite their work, others - count me in this group - love seeing an illustration of what a critiquer is talking about.)

I love the bit about hoping that Hadrian has a penchant for monologue - we all know what happens to the bad guy that almost took out Freezone!

I'm still hacking (maybe that's not a good word!) through what you've sent me, but based on the rest of the material I've read, maybe you could build the tension in the summary by saying that the entire population of superheros is wiped out - with the exception of your main characters.

This is your commercial for your book - punch it!

Also, you might want to indicate what the batteries are needed for - did Hadrian cut the power, too, or could you say "hijacking Ipods for emergency power (or something like it?)

Show us what is going on down there - let your characters show us, rather than having your narrator tell us. Work in the details like who the villan was, what his powers are, etc. through dialogue, brief internal thoughts as they tend to the wounded and catatonic.

I think that would help tighten everything up, and make it more interesting. I'd not bite on this, I don't think. I don't think I would have bit on the previous version either, but I liked that better than this.

I've written a few in Illiana's voice (in 3rd person), but they were too indirect. For now, the pitch will have to be more germane and prescriptive.

Sure, send it my way. I'll try to get back to you within a reasonable time frame.

>I love the bit about hoping that Hadrian has a penchant for monologue - we all know what happens to the bad guy that almost took out Freezone!<
I have an inordinate love for the world-building touch of "monologuing" in that movie. Actually, since that's a comics cliche I tried carefully to keep that from being his ultimate downfall...you can tell me how I did. If you can hack it that far. 0_<

Any time the slog's too much, you can just point out where and stop. That will still contribute to my enlightenment.

>Also, you might want to indicate what the batteries are needed for - did Hadrian cut the power, too, or could you say "hijacking Ipods for emergency power (or something like it?)

I almost hate to get that into the details. I'm too prone to involving everything I can; but since you think it might have a place, I'll keep that in mind.

>If it's any consolation, I spent several days explaining to myself why my first 13 was just fine like it is, then cursed a lot and rewrote it.

Oh, yes.
I spent six months off-again/on-again revising the first few chapters of a shapechanger epic. A few weeks ago I drew the line in the sand, and hacked them off. It was delicious world-building, and even seemed necessary to my own point (portraying the culture shock of a character in such a situation), but it was deadweight for everyone else.

...Goodbye!
I was mostly relieved, to have that anchor weighed. But I'm still moaning, see.

You know, I had a feeling that might be the problem.

quote:

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Tearing up backpacks for bandages. Hijacking I-pods for batteries. All in a superhero's day's work? For Illiana and her three friends, it's beginning to seem so.

Maybe, "After a freak disease/infection/ something renders the rest of the (what does NeoPol stand for), NeoPols, unconcious, it is for Illana." I'd drop the friends reference because they don't do anything for the rest of the query

Growing up in a NeoPol enclave , Illana has means the four have <-- Delete this always thought of herself as a normal superhuman. But then, midway through school, their whole community falls into a catatonic state Redundant of the first sentance . When Illana realizes that she's not effected by the plauge that effected her people, her passes them, in some freak, their <-- IMHO delete this scattershot first aid is only the beginning. Hadrian, a young mastermind NeoPol set on a mad-cap bid for the world, is also functioning the fifth conscious Neo <-- delete .

It looks like <--delete he has used his mind control or some other method to render the NwoPols unconcious and set this all up to <--- delete use you say this --> twice. The next sentance is better, keep that one the comatose Neos' powers himself. <--- delete his mind-control to make them can make any one of them <-- delete his death-commandos. It looks like the only chance they have is to try something very stupid--and hope Hadrian has a supervillain's penchant for monologue.

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Obviously, I use the word un/concious too often but I hope it helps.

A NITS -

"When it bypasses them, in some freak, their scattershot first aid is only the beginning" = What is the "It"?

Since the Query isn't limited by POV, you can just tell me even if Illana doesn't know.

I'd like some idea of:
1) her superpower
2) why she's still concious and
3) why Hadrian needs her (it was in the last query).

Good rewrite despite all my bolding.

I don't know if I can drop the friends. Though Illiana is the main protagonist, the novel uses all four characters' POVs. (I'm open to debate on whether it works or not, but here that's not the issue.) It's not just Illiana, nor just her power, that drives the story.

I'll certainly think about it, of course. You've put the bee in my bonnet, and I bet I'll think about it a lot longer than I should.

Many of the things you noted I said in some version already but didn't make the cut this time, for reasons of streamlining. Blast difficult, this balancing act...

Focus on the MC. If you reference the friends in the beginning, mention them again in a bit more detail. Maybe something like:

Hadrian needs the concious Neopol's talent's: Illana's ability to walk through walls, John's ability to spit in 6 colors, Mary's contrariness and Heydiddle's fiddle, to complete his scheme.

I have lots of supporting characters who are POVs in my story and I only mentioned the main 3 in the query I'm working on. You might look at the query for Omn's Tears or WBrigg's for ideas on how to address multiple main POVs in a query.

Keep tinkering and feel free to send it by me if my comments help.

Astrostewart's Omn's Tears is here:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum26/HTML/000056.html

Also check - Agent X - she had a "got hook" contest. Her comments on the "hooks" were informative. A few under the fantasy section had multiple MC POV. You can see what worked and what didn't HERE:
http://raleva31.livejournal.com/2007/03/

She beat mine and Astrostewart's up pretty well.

...for a superhero? To Illiana and her three friends, it's beginning to seem so. / Growing up in a "NeoPol"enclave means the four have always thought of themselves as normal superhumans. Jude's antigravity schtick takes a backseat to his clowning, much like Altair's running on air is marginal except in track. Nick's brute muscle is not as useful to him as his coordinating skills. But when midway through school, their whole community falls into a catatonic state, bypassing them, they're suddenly the race's lone mascots. Their scattershot first aid and crisis measures on campus are only the beginning. / Hadrian, a young mastermind set on a mad-cap bid for the world, is the only other conscious Neo. It looks like he has set this all up. His mind-control can make the unconscious his death-commandos.

quote:

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for a superhero? To Illiana and her three friends, it's beginning to seem so.

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Now the three friend reference works for me because they are part of the query.

I only have a few minor things and nits to point out:

1) In the list of talents, you forget to mention Illiana's.
2) Introduce the other three and thier talents in connection to the crisis - otherwise it's just a laundry list.

Ex. Jude had always been the class clown because of his ability to defy gravity but now his talent might be (or will help X by Y).

3)They aren't really "mascots" and they aren't lone because Hadrian is out there.

Maybe: The unlikely foursome is the best hope for foiling Hadrian's plan to wipe out all non-neopols and enslave the neopol race.

4) "mad-cap bid for the world" - what does this mean? World domination is a pretty well used plot device. Why is yours better than all the others or at least, what about THIS mad-cap bid takes it out of the cliche. I might give a reason why is it mad-cap.

quote:

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Illiana (Last Name) thought it was going to be just another average year at the school for superhumans. Friends were happily reunited. Then everything changed.

Suddenly, everyone was comatose. Only Illiana and her three closest friends -- Nick, Jude, and Altair -- seemed the only ones unaffected.

They soon discover that a young superhuman mastermind, named Hadrian (Last Name), is behind it all. He makes no secret of his plans for world domination, and is creating an army of the comotose students!

Now, they must risk it all on a foolish plan -- and hope Hadrian has a supervillain's natural penchant for monolgue.

---

Like I told kings_falcon, SIMPLIFY. Just give them enough to hook them.

Calling the kids NeoPols or Neos can be saved for the manuscript reading. Superhumans is clear enough. And, in the plot set-up, I don't need to know what their powers are -- except for the villian. I only need to know Hadrian's because it has to do with the plot (his animating the comatose students is integral).

There is only one plausibility point that I'm lacking:

If only I had the judgment to sift through all the contraries I'm hearing (not just here).

I agree with the "superhumans" term being best. I meant to add Illiana's power back in. The rest?