posted
I’ll get it out of the way right now. You may not agree with me when I say that I’ve been to all 50 states. Have you ever taken an online purity test? When you fill out those answers, all technicalities count. The question says: “Have you ever smoked weed?” You once lit fire to an unkempt flowerbed, you loose that purity point. In my quest for 50 states, technicalities count. I believe that life starts at conception . . . at least when counting states I’ve visited. A couple of months into gestation, my mother, father, and 2-year-old brother took a road trip from Seattle to Alaska via British Columbia. And so my first state wasn’t Oregon, it wasn’t Idaho, it wasn’t any of the states it would have made sense to travel to from Seattle, it was Alaska. --------
The chapter is entitled Alaska.
The book is provisionally entitled Cando: It's not just a town in North Dakota Anymore (I realize it's long, so I bet it gets cut down).
The book is about a girl who gets to all 50 states (most of them just through normal travel, but once she realizes how close she is to finishing, it's ROAD TRIP time!) Cando is where her grandmother, who not only went to all 50 states but ate in the best restaurant in the capital city of each state, was born (it really is a town, my grandmother was born there!) and it's also an attitude.
I don't have much more written than this (I've got a chapter on Nebraska, oh how I love duck jokes) so I'd love feedback on the lines. Eventually I'll have more if anybody wants to look at it later, but I figure I'll repost then asking for readers . . .
The second time I read the purity test thing I got what you were going for and I liked it, but it needs to be more clear.
Also, I don't see any real external motivation. The only motivation I can see is the "I hope I can make it to all fifty states." I think this could be what motivates her to leave her home but something else must drive the story forward. If not it will sound like a travel log with random happenings that may be pure bliss to write but probably won't be pure bliss to read. Maybe you have something in mind, but you just didn't tell us.
posted
I have to ditto O-Sapo on two accounts; I like the voice so far, and the intimacy of the writing. Also, I don't perceive a motivational force.
I'll want to know why she took this up and made it her quest. Did she have nothing better to do? Did she want the bragging rights? Is she trying to find something (within herself, or without) on her final road trip?
Is there an overriding theme or message to the book, that connects her travels? If not, again as O-Sapo said, it'll read like a disjointed travelogue.
With the last sentence mentioning Alaska, it leaves me hoping that I'm going to hear about something interesting that happened there, while the main character was still in her mother's belly. If that doesn't happen, the set-up needs to be adjusted.
It's a decent opening, and if the blurb of the book promised something special, I'd likely keep reading. But, I don't know if there's a major hook here yet that'd grab jaded editor eyes.
posted
It's a novel, so the motivation isn't critical in the first 13, to me. A hook is important, though, and motivation is often important in that regard.
Here are my thoughts.
quote:I’ll get it out of the way right now. You may not agree with me when I say that I’ve been to all 50 states.
I think those first two sentences might work if connected into a single sentence. I wasn't sure if that second sentence was the part I wasn't going to believe. In fact, I thought the implication was that it was hard to believe someone had been to all 50 states--not that there were technicalities in her assessment of his/her travel history. It was probably just my misunderstanding, though.
quote:Have you ever taken an online purity test? When you fill out those answers, all technicalities count. The question says: “Have you ever smoked weed?” You once lit fire to an unkempt flowerbed, you loose that purity point.
I get the point being made here. However, I think it meanders a bit too much for the 1-13. It has charm, but I would recommend saving it for a few lines, if possible.
quote:In my quest for 50 states, technicalities count. Good summary of the thought above--keep it. I believe that [g]"That" isn't necessary here.[/b] life starts at conception . . . at least when counting states I’ve visited. A couple of months into gestation, my mother, father, and 2-year-old brother took a road trip from Seattle to Alaska via British Columbia. And so my first state wasn’t Oregon, it wasn’t Idaho, it wasn’t any of the states it would have made sense to travel to from Seattle, it was Alaska.
I'm not sure what states it would make sense to travel to from Seattle. Being from Alaska, it makes perfect sense to me to travel from Seattle to Alaska. I know tons of people who have done so, some several times a year.
If her/she was conceived in Seattle, how is Washington not the first state she visited? I have to agree on that point.
I quickly realized the travelogue problem as well. My weak point is dialogue and although publishers may always be looking for the next gimmick, I doubt they're looking for a novel without dialogue.
My personal 50th state was Hawaii. Getting to Oklahoma and Arkansas a year ago were the trickiest for me. However, I think the main character is going to have Nevada as her 50th state. There is loads of opportunity for writing about a road trip to Nevada! (And Nevada being my 49th state because I had somehow managed to drive all around it, but not THROUGH it, I know how one can logistically miss Nevada).
I'll have to rephrase, Washington is her first state, as in the state she was conceived in (and that's a story in itself . . . it includes a car and a road trip), but Alaska is her first state to visit (and having grown up in Seattle, I met essentially no one who had ever made the road trip to Alaska unless they were actually FROM Alaska, sorry lehollis . . .)
My general concept was to have her simply come to the realization that she's been to every state except for Nevada and (much like myself) be motivated to go. A combination of bragging rights and personal fullfillment will push her, and the difficulty of finding a driver and getting permission will be her problems (as well as issues on the road).
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