This is the very first part of a fantasy adventure trilogy titled Dream Chasers. The plot twists and turns and eventually follows a character besides Nash, but the heart of the story is Nash's quest to save his little sister.

I have spent nearly two years on this trilogy. While I only have the first chapter to show for it, I have created a very unique plot that involves many original locations and creatures.

Any help would be appreciated.

~Chris

[This message has been edited by SchamMan89 (edited June 14, 2007).]

quote:

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Silence.
In the bitter solitude, Nash Punch began to regret he had left his sister Judy at home.(1) Anxiety yanked at his gut as he stood alone in the icy night.(2) With his heart beating quickly in his chest and his blood pounding vigorously through his veins, Nash quietly licked his lips.
Something was different. Something was wrong.(3)
Nash Nervously investigated the gnarly oak trees around him, hoping to find rats scurrying through the branches.(4) His eyes then viciously searched the weathered cabins around him, yearning to find noisy families preparing for bed.(5) As he slowly inched backward, Nash’s foot clumsily cracked a fallen branch. As he heard the deafening snap, Nash hastily grabbed his sword and ripped it from his sheath. There was nothing there.(6)

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1. You mention his regret here, but don't explain if there's a particular reason behind it. Is she alone? Is she young? Is there something dangerous in this world that he has reason to fear going after her?
2. Tied to point 1, why did he leave her alone, to go stand in the night, alone himself?
3. How has he determined this? If it's just a feeling, I'd like that feeling described, to draw me in as a reader. If there are physical signs, I'd like to know that, too.
4. Why is he "hoping" to find rats scurrying in the branches? Because that would explain the sounds he's hearing? This could be clearer.
5. I don't know how an eye searches viciously. Are the motions of his eyes fast, darting? Or is he beginning to feel vicious himself, for some reason?
6. This anticlimax is the opposite of a hook for me.

I think the real beginning of this story starts right after these 13. I want to know more immediately what Nash is facing, why he is where he is, and what's going on. This builds up for it, but I think you could jump ahead and start more in the middle of the action.

quote:

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Silence.
In the bitter solitude, Nash Punch [began to regret<-->Regretted is a stronger verb. Add the word that] he [delete had] left his sister Judy at home. Anxiety yanked at his gut[,] as he stood alone in the icy night. With his heart beating quickly in his chest and his blood pounding [vigorously<--this goes without saying, if his heart's beating quickly] through his veins[.] Nash [quietly<--as opposed to what? Did he normally smack his lips when he licked them?] licked his lips.
Something[What?] was different. Something[What?] was wrong.
Nash [nervously<--do you need this? We already know he's anxious.] investigated the gnarly oak trees around him, hoping to find rats scurrying through the branches.[<--Why?] His eyes then [viciously<--How can eyes do anything viciously?] searched the weathered cabins around him, yearning to find [noisy<--eyes don't search for sound] families preparing for bed. As he slowly inched backward, Nash’s foot clumsily cracked a fallen branch. As he heard the [deafening<--really? deafening? That was a damned loud snap.] snap, Nash [hastily<--this goes without saying] grabbed his sword and ripped it from his sheath. There was nothing there.Anticlimactic. Actually kills the hook for me.]

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Words ending in ly within only thirteen lines:
quickly
vigorously
quietly
nervously
viciously
slowly
clumsily
hastily

And... there is no hook in here. I can feel that it might be lying just beyond these first 13, but i'd move it up if I were you. Let us know why things are happening as much as what is happening. Don't tell me everything, but give me a reason to want to read beyond a dry overwritten retelling of events. If this landed on my desk, I wouldn't read beyond this.

How is this:

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Nash Punch sat half asleep on the porch of his cabin. It was close to midnight. As he yawned, he heard rustling in the trees around his house. A purple light sped through the foliage. Nash frowned and got up. He opened the door and called to his sister. “I think I saw something. I’m gonna go look okay?”
“Was it a ghost?” Judy shouted back.
“Nah, don’t be silly. Probably something simple, that’s all.”
Nash jogged into the dark forest. He looked and looked, but could not find the strange purple light. Nash suddenly became aware of how alone he was. Immediately regretting that he left his sister Judy at home, Nash decided to return home. But where was he? Anxiety yanked at his gut, and his heart beat loudly in his chest.
===============================================
Should I write more how I would speak?

Thanks for all of the comments!

~Chris

[This message has been edited by SchamMan89 (edited June 14, 2007).]

quote:

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Should I write more how I would speak?

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Even though there is a mysterious purple light - you aren't withholding because Nash doesn't know what it is.

You have Nash getting lost. I find this kind of strange. I would think it would take more than a little venture into the woods to get lost. I think some description of the woods would also be nice. You had some in the first version. What sort of trees, undergrowth is there? Also what about night sounds? And maybe a little more description to the purple light. I think a happy medium could be reached between the two versions.

vigorously through his veins
licked his lips
Nash Nervously...gnarly (ought to be nervously)
clumsily cracked