posted
I was cleaning off my writing folders and found a wonderful piece that I started in 9th grade about a boy who discovers that he is a guardian angel. . .unfortunately being a guardian angel means giving up his two favorite things in life, mathematics and his family.
The average human being can go three weeks without sleep, failure to do so resulted in death. Brian hadn't slept in three months. By his own calculations he should be over four times dead. It wasn't that he hadn't tried. Counting sheep just made him want to derive their integrals and sleeping pills only made him more awake than before. Exercising during the day, drinking warm milk, every 'cure' for insomnia didn't work. In desperation he actually read his English assigned reading, but even Moby Dick and Wuthering Heights had no effect. The clock in the hall chimed two. Brian had more pressing matters than sleeping to deal with now. He picked up his calculus book and started his homework, reveling in the ease...
(Edited to remove word 'my')
[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited June 25, 2007).]
"The average human being can go three weeks without sleep, failure to do so resulted in death."
This says that failure to go three weeks without sleep resulted in death!
"Brian hadn't slept in three months. By his own calculations he should be over four times dead."
"more than" is better than "over"
After three months, Brian is going to have made some major changes, which we don't see in the next long paragraph. For the first week, he might be still trying to get some sleep. After that, he is going to try something else, depending on his circumstances -- tell his parents, go to a doctor, decide that not sleeping is great, something.
I certainly think this idea is worth developing as a YA novel, but I am not sure that the non-sleeping is the place to start. If, by guardian angel, you mean Christian guardian angel, then you need to get the Christian angle into the first paragraph somehow ("When Brian said his prayers, he prayed for sleep.") and submit it to a Christian publisher. If you mean a sort of secular humanist guardian angel, then that needs to be clear.
posted
Did you mean Guardian Angle, or Guardian Angel?
My Take:
quote: The average human being can go three weeks without sleep, failure to do so resulted in death. Brian hadn't slept in three months. By his own calculations he should be over four times dead.[<--I have a credibility issue with this entire opening. The word insomnia comes to mind. AND, it changes from omni to Brian's PoV.] It wasn't that he hadn't tried. Counting sheep just made him want to derive their integrals and sleeping pills only made him more awake than before. Exercising during the day, drinking warm milk, every 'cure' for insomnia didn't work. In desperation he actually read his English assigned reading, but even Moby Dick and Wuthering Heights had no effect. The clock in the hall chimed two. Brian had more pressing matters than sleep[ing<--don't need] to deal with now. He picked up his calculus book and started his homework, reveling in the ease...What Homework? He's in school? What grade? Where is he?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 24, 2007).]
posted
I think he did in fact mean Guardian Angle. I like.
One nitpick though: you might want to check up on actual nineth grade reading curriculum; I'm fairly certain that Moby Dick and Wuthering Heights aren't on it.
Of Mice and Men and Grapes of Wrath might be.
I didn't question the mention of calculus stuff because even though it's stated he's in nineth grade, he's obviously a mathematical whizkid.
[This message has been edited by MoonScar (edited June 24, 2007).]
posted
I'm thinking that it's not death caused by sleep deprivation, but insanity. Was it here that somebody was telling me that the actual events on which the tale of freddy kruger was based centered around a guy that showed up in a hospital unable to sleep, certain he would die if he did? and when he did finally sleep, he died. But, to get back to the insomnia thing, we see if fairly frequntly in patients, most usually bipolar (manic) ones, who go extended perios of time without sleep, becoming more and more psychotic as they go - both more psychotic and less aware that their thoughts, feelings, behaviors are deviating from the norm.
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posted
The generic summary isn't bad and honestly if you could write it well in a literay type way it could find a market for those who liked "the loveley bones"
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posted
Hmm. . . good idea about the assigned reading, just because my ninth grade teacher assigned crazy books doesn't mean that all do. . . Thanks for the input, I'll see what I can do about the whole change of PoV I didn't notice that before.
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The average human being can go three weeks without sleep, failure to do so resulted in death. Brian’s eyes skimmed over the computer screen a dry smile parting his lips; he hadn't slept in three months. Therefore by his own calculations he should be more than four times dead. One or two weeks, easily attributed to insomnia, or a mixture of English essays combined with the four lab write-ups that he had waited to do for the last minute. The third he had tried warm milk at the suggestion of his mother and counting sheep as suggested by his father, but counting sheep just made him want to derive their integrals and the milk only made him more awake than before. In desperation week four he actually read his English assigned reading, but even Grapes of Wrath and Wuthering
posted
You hook me in the first paragraph and lose me in the next one. I don't care what he did to try to sleep in the past, I want to know why he's not insane.
quote: The average human being < - Person??? Unless there are alien races involved it seems odd to use "human being" can go three weeks without sleep. failure to do so resulted in death I don't think there is anything technically wrong with this phrase but I keep stumbling over it anyway. I do think people get delusional first . New paragraph. You are apparently switching POV although the next line is cinemagraphic and the line after is Brian's POV Brian’s eyes skimmed over the words scrolled down the ?? computer screen a dry smile parting his lips. make this --> its own sentance. He hadn't slept in three months. Therefore by his own calculations he should be more than four times dead. This isn't necessary. The reader can make that connection
Don't spend the second paragraph on the past/ info dump. Drop me into the current problem.
Derivatives and Integrals are opposites, and so the use of the term "derive their integrals" will be a bungee cord for any math geek who reads this.
Perhaps "determine" or "work out" in place of "derive". Or even "calculate", since you're implying the use of definite integrals, so the actual value can be found.
posted
Good point, I do remember that I would drive my friend crazy when I said that. . .my friend who is partially responsible for the magority of my math jargon knowledge. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
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