"What'll be, sir?" the bartender asked, his voice soaked in uncertainty at the last word.
"Whatever will warm me up," (breathed a pair of lips/TOO MUCH) under a large, dark hat. "It's so frightfully cold. I might catch my death," he said, clearly amused. He was dry despite the heavy rain outside. He placed a large bill on the bar.
"Sick bastard," the man muttered to himself and grabbed a glass. He(THE BARKEEP) examined the stranger. He(THE STRANGER) had the voice of a gentleman but was not clothed(DRESSED) like one. He wore pointed boots that poked out of his tight denims.(THIS DOESN'T WORK. I PICTURE THE STRANGER STANDING ON TIPTOE, WITH JUST THE POINTS OF HIS BOOTS STICKING OUT) Denims were only worn by the(OMIT) other races, but the indigo color could not be afforded by such. And his boots were not made of leather but of shimmering scales. (COMBINED WITH "JUST THE POINTS" I NOW GET THE PICTURE OF A MALE BALET DANCER.)

Also note that "denim" is an American word. Is your story set in America?

Actually not. Denim is a French word derived from de Nimes where the cotton cloth material used for jeans, overalls and uniforms was first made.

"Denim, in American usage since the late eighteenth century, denotes a rugged cotton twill textile, in which the weft passes under two (twi- "double") or more warp fibers, producing the familiar diagonal ribbing identifiable on the reverse of the fabric, which distinguishes denim from cotton duck. A popular conception of the etymology of the word denim is that it is a contraction or derivative of the French term, serge de Nîmes."

quote:

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"What'll [it] be, sir?" the bartender asked[.] [H]is voice [was] soaked in uncertainty at the last word.
"Whatever will warm me up," [Said who?] [breathed a pair of lips under a large, dark hat.<--Why not just tell us it's a "he" and his name?] "It's so frightfully cold. I might catch my death[.]" [he said, clearly amused.<--telling us, versus letting us see it for ourselves.] He[Who?] was dry despite the heavy rain outside. He placed a large bill on the bar.
"Sick bastard[Who is? and Why?]," the man[What man?] muttered to himself and grabbed a glass. He[Who?] examined the stranger. He[Who?] had the voice of a gentleman but was not clothed like one. He[Who?] wore pointed boots that poked out of his tight denims. Denims were only worn by the [other races<--What other races? Other than what?], but the indigo color could not be afforded by [such<--Such what?]. And his boots were not made of leather[,] but of shimmering scales.

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1) Is this a contemporary fantasy? If so, how contemporary is this? If not, the jeans shopuld be out, completely.

2) Where is this set: Town/City/Country/Planet?

3) You don't need to make the character mysterious, he's already a stranger. If you want to keep from allowing the reader immersion in this character, his is the wrong PoV to write from.

4) OSC says keep the tags simple "he said" and such. The extraneous detail either should be:
A) A separate sentence: "Coughs broke up his litany." instead of: "he said, coughing every few words."
or
B) understood from the quote, "Those bastards! I'll kill them," said Jack. Said-book-isms: "said Jack, angrily", "yelled Jack", and "yelled Jack, angrily" are redundant and distract from total immersion because the author tells us -- directly -- what the character is feeling.

Hope this helps.

quote:

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"What'll it be, sir?" the bartender asked, his voice soaked in uncertainty at the last word. Why and how? This is a fairly normal question for a bartender

"Whatever will warm me up," breathed <-- said a pair of lips under a large, dark hat okay, because you are sci fi/fantasy, I'm taking this literally. Make sure you mean it that way or explain it better i.e. in POV - the Bartender could only make out a pair of scarlet lips beneath the enormous black hat.

"It's so frightfully cold. I might catch my death," he The bartender? Who is speaking?said, clearly amused actions or words should show this. . He Who? was dry despite the heavy rain outside. He placed a large bill on the bar.

"Sick bastard," the man who? The bartender? The Lips? The amused guy? Or someone else? muttered to himself and grabbed a glass.

He Who? examined the stranger Who is this? . He had the voice of a gentleman but was not clothed like one. He wore pointed boots that poked out of his tight denims. you could combine the last two sentances but that's a style choice Denims were only worn by the other races which other races? Who is speaking and what race is he/she? , but the indigo color could not be afforded by such Why? . And his Who's boots were not made of leather but of shimmering scales Okay - the scales are cool but I'm so confused they are lost on me as a hook .

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Is this two "people" or six? You spend more time on what someone is wearing than what is going on. Try to streamline.

I second IB's questions and won't repeat them. Although I thought the bartender was the POV and not the stranger.

Hope this helps.

“What’ll it be, sir?” the barkeep asked. His voice was soaked in uncertainty at the last word.
“Whatever will warm me up,” breathed a pair of lips under a large, dark hat. “It’s so frightfully cold. I might catch my death,” he said, clearly amused. He was dry despite the heavy rain outside. He placed a large bill on the bar.
The barkeep examined the stranger. The stranger had the voice of a gentleman but was not clothed like one. He wore pointed boots that poked out of the ends of his tight denims. Denims were only worn by the other races, but the indigo color could not be afforded by such. And his boots were not made of leather but of shimmering scales.

Comments:

I took out the sick bastard as I couldn't find a way to convey what I wanted. Oh, and he's not a ballerina. He's a ballerina...ninja! Hopefully, you can tell who is who now. Denims are going to be in my novel as well as steam powered machines such as trains so I hope that helps with the technology question. I don't know where exactly it is set yet, but it is not going to be on Earth. I have not yet decided the sexual orientation of my character. Having said that, I do not believe clothing is a good indicator of it. Thanks for all the feedback. It was very helpful. If anyone is interested in reading the whole prologue, let me know.

quote:

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“What’ll it be, sir?” the barkeep asked. His voice was soaked in uncertainty at the last word.
“Whatever will warm me up,” [breathed a pair of lips under a large, dark hat.<--you are still telling us a hovering pair of lips and a hat are respondoing -- unless you mean that, say he/she or (name) said.] “It’s so frightfully cold. I might catch my death,” he said, clearly amused. He[Who?] was dry despite the heavy rain outside. He[Who?] placed a large bill on the bar.
The barkeep examined [the stranger. The stranger<--Redundant. And you still have not identified the stranger. Is the stranger ordering the drink? Or is it another person?] had the voice of a gentleman but was not clothed like one. He wore pointed boots that poked out of the ends of his tight denims. Denims were only worn by the other races, but the indigo color could not be afforded by such[Why are indigo demins worth more? Others races than what? Floating lips?]. And his boots were not made of leather but of shimmering scales.

I took out the sick bastard as I couldn't find a way to convey what I wanted. [Oh, and he's not a ballerina. He's a ballerina...ninja!<--Huh?] Hopefully, you can tell who is who now.[<--I know who the bartender is. I still don't know anyone else, or whose PoV it is told from.] Denims are going to be in my novel as well as steam powered machines such as trains so I hope that helps with the technology question. [I don't know where exactly it is set yet,<--You should. but it is not going to be on Earth[<--This makes it either Space Opera, Contemporary Fantasy, or Slipstream, depending on the fantasy elements involved.]. I have not yet decided the sexual orientation of my character[How can you write about/ expect us to read about a character when you don't know everything about him? You -- if no one else -- should know from the beginning. It won't matter to the rest of us, if you either don't raise the question, or show us nothing of his sexuality until it is relevant.]. Having said that, I do not believe clothing is a good indicator of it. Thanks for all the feedback. It was very helpful. If anyone is interested in reading the whole prologue, let me know.

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The reasons I'm not interested in this:

1) I can't trust you to answer the simplest of questions without being intentionally withholding. I have already identified that your willing to cheat me, and I can't trust that you are going anywhere with it.

2) Most peaople aren't going to want to read about a vague, unnamed character. Even if this is a stranger, he has a name that he recognizes. If not, that should be the story's set up and goal.

3) There is no hook. The class of people/aliens that are allowed to wear denims doesn't pull me in, not that this specifies anything anyway. The only threat of conflict was implied before you removed it. This almost sounds like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure: Opens in bar. Hero is insulted by patron. Hero clobbers patron to garner respect from the onlookers - type-of-thing.

4) I haven't read a character likeable enough to follow; and only one I could identify (Because he's behind the bar.) The other two -- the floating lips (or the invisible man in lipstick) and the stranger can't even decide on what they like to drink.

Also, to me, it seemed as if you were trying a little too hard. Things could flow better, but this is very dependant on how the reader interprets the material, and I didnt read it in the appropriate tone.

And, if I am not overstepping my boundaries, it seemed a bit wordy. All of that could be said in less space, and more action could fit in. The point of the beginning of a piece is to grab the reader's attention, and not let go. It is easier if there is less bulk right at the beginning.... but that is just me [and I am far from being a professional writer].