posted
This is a YA historical novel. I've included the first 13 of the first two chapters because I'm using an alternating POV, changing with each chapter.
Clues at the end of the first chapter and the beginning of the second chapter begin a series of hints that the two characters have a common destiny: Thailand.
I hope this is allowed in this forum.
-------first chapter's first 13--------- "Why are those soldiers here, Aunt Tuyet?" I glance up to my aunt's second-floor apartment where she is watching the street. She ignores me, as usual, even though I live with her.
I left Mrs. Huang's home moments ago to gather her family's laundry, and I am curious why the military truck stopped there.
The driver, a soldier, steps out of his truck and speaks to Mrs. Huang, but I can not hear him. Mrs. Huang then points in my direction and a passenger in the cab looks directly at me through the truck's window. A shard of light reflects off of his sunglasses as he turns towards me. I feel a cold chill, even here in the tropics of Vietnam. This can not be good.
More than a dozen adults sit on the bed of the truck, but they do not look like soldiers to me, with their forlorn faces. -------------------------------------------
-------second chapter's first 13----------- "George, are you done yet with the Typhoon Mimi story?"
"Not yet, Ms. Lyon."
"George... Shelly's voice fades out and her face sprouts that injured-deer look of hers that drives me nuts. Looking injured appears to be part of Shelly's management style.
"...do I need to say it? she asks, as my blood pressure rises.
"No, please do not say it.
Her injured-deer look suddenly morphs into her disappointed-mother look. I am not sure which look is more painful to bear, but I know I am railroaded again. Shelly expects me, her senior writer--okay, her only full-time writer--to do a weather story, about Burma and Thailand if you can believe it. -------------------------------------------
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited July 19, 2007).]
posted
I think you give a great hook for the first chapter, which is good. While you may have two POVs, the whole idea behind the first thirteen lines is to catch the reader when they pick up the story, and make them want to read more. If they make it to chapter 2, that's a good sign that they are hooked. So, what I am taking a hundred words to say is that it was a good hook.
That said, I feel I have to be upfront and say that I groaned when I noticed that it is written in 2nd person POV. Do you have a really strong reason to write it that way? Because, unless you are passionately commited to 2nd person, I suggest that you change it to 1st or 3rd. I think a lot of people are turned off by present tense narrative, and therefore it would not matter how well you set a hook in the first 13 lines, many will set it down after 2 or 3.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited July 19, 2007).]
posted
I found both first 13s confusing. Is Aunt Tuyet also Mrs Huang or someone else? Is Ms Lyon also Shelly, or another character? (And how does one pronounce 'Ms'?) I suspect they're alternate names for the same people, and as OSC says in 'Writing SF&F', "One tag per character please, at least until we know them better."
"I glance up to my aunt's second-floor apartment where she is watching the street" -- Where are you? In the street? Don't you feel like telling us something about how it looks? Old apartment or new? Clean or dirty? Busy street or quiet? Is she two floors up, or thirty? I don't need much but there's nothing to visualize. I can't see it in my mind's eye, so I'm not drawn in.
"to gather her family's laundry" -- Huh? Isn't it in the apartment you just left? Why do we care?
At the end of the first, first 13 I'm thinking, ok, it's a war story. He or she is going to get arrested and he or she isn't going to like it. Heard all that before. What makes it special, different from other war stories? Without an answer to that question I see no hook. Which means that I would never get to the second first 13.
Hope this helps, Pat
P.S. In response to Wrenbird, my understanding is that first person is 'I', second is 'you', and third person is 's/he'. So it's in first person, present tense. A second person narrative would be something like "You go down to the street, you see the soldiers, you quiver in fear as they leave their truck and approach you." Second person narrative is rare. Hope this helps too.
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 20, 2007).]
posted
It's not 2nd person, it's present tense. And, just in case someone doubts my tense-knowledge:
quote: I glance up to my aunt's ...she is watching ...She ignores ... I am curious...steps out of his truck and speaks...then points in my direction...he turns...I feel ...
That said, I agree with wrenbird with the groan at present tense. The only way I like those types of stories is when they're being narrated over images (movies or graphic novels/comic books).
I think the 13 to Chapter One are slowed down by the choice of tenses. The only plausiblity issue I have with it is: How can the narrator (nameless and genderless) know that the "passenger" is looking at, when he's wearing reflective sunglasses.
As to Chapter Two, I am left confused. How many people are in the room? Where are they? Who's George? Whose PoV is it in? Who is Shelly? Where does she work, that she's the PoV's boss? Why do I care about a weather-story?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 20, 2007).]
posted
Oops. Sorry. I meant present tense. Actually, I wrote it that way first, but is sounded wrong for some reason. I second guessed myself. As is now painfully obvious, I am not very good with grammer. A bit of a problem, what with me wanting to be a writer and all.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited July 20, 2007).]
posted
it's okay wrenbird, it's why we let the Inarticulate One live. Correcting our grammar and tenses gives him a reason to go on . . . . and on . . . on. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
As this is a novel, I would probably turn the page (after the first 13) and read at least a bit further but as of yet I am not sold. What I would need in order to be sold (and soon after the first 13) is an answer to "why should I care about this kid?" Is this around the Cambodian Genocide/the Vietnam War? If so, you might want to read parts of the book "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda". Unfortunately, I do not recall exactly how that book started off but I do recall that I was hooked from the first page and these first 13 lines remind me of that book.
Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2007
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"I'm using an alternating POV, changing with each chapter."
Since you're using first person, that means that "I" will be someone different from one chapter to the next. That could confuse the reader. Sure, you could make it clear with a little heading at the start of each chapter, or make us figure it out as these two first 13s do. But unless the first person is essential, that could make the book rather "busy".
Also, I think readers will often identify with the first person narrator, and with the first person POV alternating there's a risk of weakening the reader's ability to identify with the characters.
As I said, just a thought. Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 21, 2007).]
posted
The first chapter is a step in the right direction. It could be trimmed and worded in a way that gives it more impetus.
"...and speaks to Mrs. Huang, but I can mot hear him." I think this is stronger if you delete "...but I can not hear him." We really don't need to be told this, the reader will assume this, especially as right after we are told "...Mrs. Huang then points in my direction."
"I feel a cold chill." As opposed to a warm chill? This is redundant - delete cold.
The second chapter reads like ordinary people on an ordinary day chatting over ordinary things - nothing of note is happening except that various expressions are being expressed and changed and I am left looking for some "story" to happen.
posted
"Why are those soldiers here, Aunt Tuyet?" I glance up to my aunt's second-floor apartment where she is watching the street. She ignores me, as usual, *even though I live with her.*
[I don't think this is necessary. It sounds redundant (as usual/though I live with her) and not very interesting. Because she's established as "Aunt Tuyet" I think we get the hurt of being ignored as usual. Something more illustrative of character could also go here ("as she had since I was three and knocked the chutney over" or what-have-you).]
I left Mrs. Huang's home moments ago to gather her family's laundry, *and I am curious why the military truck stopped there.*
[Also redundant.] ---
"George... Shelly's voice fades out and her face sprouts that injured-deer look of hers that drives me nuts. Looking injured appears to be part of Shelly's management style.
[While I like the idea of an expression sprouting on a face, here, bookended with "fading out" and "injured-deer" it doesn't seem unique so much as funny-sounding.]
"...do I need to say it? she asks, as my blood pressure rises.
"No, please do not say it.
[I don't know why, but this exchange sounds staged and not realistic to me. Maybe someone else can help you figue that one out...or it might just be me.]
Her injured-deer look suddenly morphs into her disappointed-mother look. I am not sure which look is more painful to *bear*, but I know I am railroaded again. Shelly expects me, her senior writer--okay, her only full-time writer--to do a weather story, about Burma and Thailand if you can believe it.
[I'm wondering if it would seem less weak in the character if you make it "painful to see", or "watch". Also, I'm not sure "if you can believe it" really fits the tone here, or does anything good for the character voice. Maybe the next line elaborates in a way that will make perfect sense...but this is what I'm working from.]
This sounds fascinating, actually! We can use a few more historicals about less high-profile countries and nationalities in the YA section. If you want to send anyone longer exerpts for critique or general feedback, take my name. ^_^
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited July 24, 2007).]
posted
Here is a modified version, with some sludge removed to advance a few lines that fell just below the first 13:
---------------- "Aunt Tuyet, why are those soldiers at Mrs. Huangs home?" I am a laundry girl and picked up Mrs. Huang's laundry moments ago.
The truck driver steps from his truck and speaks to Mrs. Huang. She then points in my direction and the passenger looks directly at me through the truck's window. I feel a chill, even here in the tropics of Vietnam.
The truck driver returns to his truck and nurses the gas pedal, urging the truck forward. When it trundles up to me I no longer wonder if something is wrong. I am certain of it.
"Are you Tran Thi Mai?" asks the soldier.
I freeze, searching for courage. "That depends, sir. Are you here to give Mai money? I hope my joke softens whatever blow I am about to receive, but the soldier remains stone-faced. ------------
Thanks for the many comments. Talespinner is right in that it needs chapter heading cues for the alternating viewpoints, especially for a YA novel. I left them out for fear they would be counted as part of the 13 lines. They are in this form: CHAPTER 1 Mai Tran: My "Free Passage" CHAPTER 2 George Keevers: Definately NOT the Washington Post
I like first person sometimes, if done well. I think it enhances the alternating viewpoint structure. I like this combination because it adds a sort of quasi-omni feature to first person, since you have full access to one character's thoughts in even chapters and equal access to the other character's thoughts in the odd chapters. But it can be tricky. There were a couple of times when it was difficult to make a chapter fit the next character in the queue.
Snorri: this is a post-war refugee story (after Vietnam invaded Cambodia); Mai is an Amerasian. It is not a blood-and-guts story but there are some tense scenes. It has a substantial element of cross-culteral humor (I hope).
ArachneWeave: thanks for the comments and offer. If you'll send me an e-mail, I'll return however much you care to read. It is about 40000 words, which I think is on the low end for a YA.
posted
WouldBe, I didn't comment on the original but would like to comment of this. I like this first thirteen a lot. It tells us much about this character and I would read on to find out what happens next.
A nit:
quote:I am a laundry girl and picked up Mrs. Huang's laundry moments ago.
I don't like the use of laundry twice in this sentance.
Suggest something like: I am a laundry girl and have just come from Mrs. Huang's or something like that, whatever would fit into the story.
I liked this:
quote:I hope my joke softens whatever blow I am about to receive, but the soldier remains stone-faced.
It tells us a lot about the people and the setting.
I will read some if you're still looking for readers.
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