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Edit: A revised First 13 has been posted in the 7th post of this thread.
Here are the first thirteen of a work in progress that I just realized in the last few days will be novel length. Its genre is fantasy (though there are certainly science fiction elements). I've been struggling for quite some time with the opening and would greatly appreciate any help people might be able to provide. My past attempts never went beyon page one; this go around, at least, I've been able to get a fair bit more.
***
“He’s already been murdered today; let the boy rest.”
“Laws are laws, Kalic. He became part of the Orders the moment his family killed him and all members must attend the knowledge-thief’s sentencing.”
Lewis Thericon, the boy in question, rolled his head in hopes of dislodging his surprisingly long hair from his face. Peering through the strands and the darkness beyond, he could make out the vague profile of a man, possibly bearded with glasses and a flat nose, standing rather too closely. Judging from the strain on in his shoulder and the lack of feeling in his legs, Lewis supposed that the man must be carrying him. With another roll he tried to look at the other speaker.
[This message has been edited by Snorri Sturluson (edited July 27, 2007).]
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While I like were it was going, I found myself getting lost quickly. The hook is there but I am still very unsure of the image that is being painted. I am not sure were the "flow" was off, but I did find myself not wanting to go much further in.
Perhaps after reading a bit more about the book. Like the jacket blurb, I would be more inclined to read on. As it stands though I am not sure I would have gone further on.
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I think the dificulty is just in a few technical things. I was having trouble seeing some of what you were describing, and got distracted trying to figure out what you were describing: he could make out the vague profile of a man, possibly bearded with glasses and a flat nose (WHY IS IT EASIER TO SEE THE FLAT NOSE THAN A BEARD?), standing rather too closely. Judging from the strain on in his shoulder and the lack of feeling in his legs (WHAT POSITION IS HE BEING CARRIED IN, THAT HE CAN SEE THE GUY'S FACE, AND IT CUTS OFF FEELING IN HIS LEG, STRAINS HIS SHOULDER?), Lewis supposed that the man must be carrying him.
I liked the start quite a bit, and I think that if the mechanics of the scene were clearly stated, this would really work well. It's a neat premise!
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I like the very beginning of this. To me, the initial hook that will grab a reader is clear, and in the very first sentence. However, as I read on, I find my piqued interest ebbing. I think it's merely a matter of a little clunky explanation. Here's my take:
quote: “He’s already been murdered today; let the boy rest.”(1)
“Laws are laws, Kalic. He became part of the Orders(2) the moment his family killed him and all members must attend the knowledge-thief’s sentencing.”(3)
Lewis Thericon, the boy in question, rolled his head in hopes of dislodging his surprisingly long hair from his face.(4) Peering through the strands and the darkness beyond, he could make out the vague profile of a man, possibly bearded with glasses and a flat nose, standing rather too closely.(5) Judging from the strain on in his shoulder and the lack of feeling in his legs, Lewis supposed that the man must be carrying him.(6) With another roll he tried to look at the other speaker.(7)
1. My brain keeps wanting the word "once" in there; "he's already been murdered once today." I don't know if this is jut me, but it emphasizes things and really drives home the hook with the addition of that word.
2. The Orders - more than one? What manner of order are they? I'm intrigued. Nice build of reader interest.
3. I have mixed reactions towards this. Part of me is immediately curious - what's a knowledge-thief, how does it relate to Lewis? - and I imagine this is the way that the character in that world would state things. But, as a reader not knowing what's going on, I want to be thrown a bone. In short, I would hope to see this explained soon; it's a hook with a barb, but a little bit of confusion there, too. Is it merely 'a' knowledge-thief's sentencing? ("all members must attend the sentencing of a knowledge-thief"), or is there only one? Could this be reworked, or am I just off my rocker?
4. Without any other hair standard established yet to compare his hair to, the word 'startlingly' doesn't really do anything for me. I think we could do without; the following descriptions of it being in his eyes establishes well enough for me that the kid has long hair.
5. Standing rather too close, you mean? To what? *Ties in to #6...*
6. This sentence just really confuses me. I have the sense that he's looking off in the darkness at a standing man who's close to something and possibly bearded, and then Lewis' sensory perceptions suggest he's being piggybacked by him. If Lewis is coming out of a haze of some sort, I think his realization that he's being carried could be executed a little better. As it stands now, it reads a little awkward and almost tries to create two images - one of a standing guy farther off in the darkness, one of the guy carrying him. I think I know what you're going for, but it needs to be adjusted.
7. "Another roll" makes me think of doing a barrel roll.
As something of a nit, the combination of a normal name like Lewis with a last name like Thericon, and another exotic character name of Kalic kind of throws me off. I'm not sure how 'normal' I should be envisioning this universe yet, or this kid. I hope it'd be explained by the jacket blurb, or just a little further reading.
I'll echo Hookt: You have a good premise here. My interest is piqued, but some things could afford to be clarified so that the mental image of the scene comes more readily to the reader's imagination.
Definitely keep at it, I like where this is going.
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"He’s already been murdered today; let the boy rest." Hook! I see something happening after the death of the murdered boy.
"Laws are laws, Kalic. He became part of the Orders Orders as in commands or orders as in religious organization? the moment his family killed him and all members must attend the knowledge-thief’s sentencing." More hook
Lewis Thericon, the boy in question, rolled his head in hopes of dislodging his surprisingly Why is it a surprise? It's not contrary to anything we know about him. This paragraph is from his POV. Is he surprised by his own hair? long hair from his face. So he's not dead? Peering through the strands and the darkness beyond, he could make out the vague profile of a man, possibly bearded with glasses and a flat nose, standing rather too closely. Judging from the strain on in his shoulder and the lack of feeling in his legs, Lewis supposed that the man must be carrying him. With another roll he tried to look at the other speaker. The rest of this is a good description from his narrow POV, but is it important to setting the hook? It's a little slower than the first two paragraphs. Is there other action that would work better in the first 13?
-- To find out in the early part of the story:
Who's Kalic? And who was speaking to him? Lewis is looking for the speaker, so I expect to read about that soon.
Yes, 'Orders,' plural, in the second paragraph goes with the title, but I want to know whether Lewis falls under some commands issued to cover a case like this or did he join some select group by being murdered?
What's a knowledge thief and how was this one caught, convicted and sentenced. If that's your whole plot, have you given away the ending?
Another note about the slower 3rd paragraph - a novel can take its time revealing characterization and conflict. This paragraph might be just the right pace, but it seems different than the ones before it.
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I think the responses you are getting are showing that people are totally engaging in your world, Snorri. Keep going.
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Thank you, everyone, for the very helpful feedback. It was much less painful than I had imagined it would be It was also immensely valuable, I appreciate it.
As something that amused me when I went back to make some changes, I realized I was trying to accomplish 9 different goals in those first 13 lines, which might have been expecting a bit too much from 7 sentences. I also realized I made the mistake of having the scene set in the wrong place and at the wrong time. Hopefully I've corrected that with these new First 13 (well, 13.5)
Thank you for reading...
*** “He’s already been murdered once today; let the boy rest.”
“The dictate came from above, Kalic; it’s law now. He became part of the Orders the moment his family killed him and all members must attend the knowledge-thief’s sentencing.”
Oh splendid, Lewis Thericon, the boy in question, thought. My hearing has finally returned. Lights flared to life before his eyes, which surprised him on two accounts. He hadn’t been aware that the sun had set since his eyes had stopped working shortly after his heart had; apparently, he’d been able to see for some time without realizing it. Secondly, the illumination was coming from the ceiling, which contained with an entire kingdom’s wealth in electric lights.
“Fine, we’ll take him,” Kalic said. “But if he dies again, I’ll have words to say about this law.”
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It was also immensely valuable, I appreciate it.
