Again, thank you.

Trials of Ash - 1st 13 Lines

The Doctor set the unique black-metal object on the desk, happy to be free of it for a moment. While holding it, he felt it's need, the machine was hungry and it would have to be fed.

He couldn't see the star-lit water or the horizon beyond his reflection in the thick, reinforced window. The military research facility hovered at ten thousand feet, far out past the boarder into international waters, where laws did not exist.

The nit: border vs boarder. Since the lab is over the ocean, perhaps: territorial waters.

Does the doctor know what the black-metal object is? The story is now clearly from his POV. We should know what he knows. The nature of the object is clearly important, so I would think we need to know it very soon - just after the first 13. The object and its relationship to something that has to be fed is most of the hook. That's doesn't mean it has to be a mystery.

"... ethical considerations aside" makes me afraid the story will launch into blatant preaching. It unhooks me. It will take some work to show the doctor's conscience at work during the story, but I think a more subtle struggle with ethics would keep readers' interest - at least this reader's.

The second version is better and there is a hook but because the scientist's focus drifts from your hook, I found myself skimming versus reading the rest. For me that's a good indication that I won't make it to line 14.

You have some nice ideas and the writing is fairly clear. Continue to strip out the details that can wait and keep my interest.

quote:

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The Doctor Just tell me his name set the unique black-metal object tell me what this is since the DR knows on the "his" might work better than the generic "the" because I don't know where he is yet desk, happy to be free of it This "it" is the desk and not the disk for a moment. While holding it, he felt it's need Hu? But end the sentance here to punch up the next line. The machine was hungry and it <-- you can lose this "it" would have to be fed.

He couldn't see the star-lit water or the horizon beyond his reflection in the thick, reinforced window Ahm, what happened to the machine? Why are we looking at the landscape? The last sentance is probably the best in this paragraph and I'd presume that it's a military facility has something to do with a machine that needs to be fed. The military research facility hovered at ten thousand feet <- Nice detail but probably not necessary. The point is the facility is in no man's land - Where laws don't exist , far out past the boarder into international waters, where laws did not exist.

Dr. Fox checked the time; it was already after three. Only seventy miles, but he wouldn't make it home tonight Why does the reader care about the time, or that he won't make it home. The issue is the next sentance . In a few hours the cyber-tank project Does this relate to the poor hungry disk that we seem to have lost track of? would finally be delivered. Then he’d be able to again enjoy evenings with his family I didn't mind the family reference here because it adds to the POV and doesn't distract from what he should be thinking about and he will have performed a great service for his country Which is the Country of The Evil Robot Monkeys?? , ethical considerations aside.

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The Lawyer in me has to pop up and say there is NO PLACE where "laws don't exist." But there are places where the laws are a bit more liberal and less enforced than others. As a personal nit - that sentance rubs me a bit wrong because of it.

I always like stories where the ethical, mortal and legal limits are . . .well, bent, and bad things happen, so I am probably within your target audience.

Seems to me Dr. Fox's mind drifts in fairly unnatural ways so you can tell us information that he wouldn't actually think about. For me, that hurts my ability to dive into the story.

Right now, he's got three concerns:

1) "Rats, missing dinner with the kids again."
2) "That pesky machine needs to be fed again."
3) "Oh yea, my life work with questionable ethics will be done soon."

You can convey this all by showing me:

1) A glance at the clock with no mention of time because it doesn't seem that the hour matters. Followed by a quick and brief thought about "Rats, missing dinner again."

2) "Dinner" can bring him to the machine must be fed.

3) feeding the machine can get him to the project, maybe.

You have a great hook for me - "feed the machine" - but then lose it (and my interest) by dropping the topic. The second hook - the project being completed soon is competing with the first and not helping you.

IMHO, focus on one hook for the first 13 - either Feed the Machine and show me this or have Dr. Fox focus on the shady ethical research. Personally, machine feeding would be easier to hook me than the other since it's been done and done well a lot.

Out of curiosity, are "The Doctor" and "Dr. Fox" the same person? Presumably so, in which case I would recommend giving his name first and general titles later. Not necessarily his full name, just the name you want your readers to remember the character by. Stick with that name for a while until the reader is familiar enough with your story so that a switch in "names" can't possibly imply a character switch. Also, "The Doctor" makes me think of the character from "Doctor Who." Personally, I would recommend shying away from names that can make readers think of an established and beloved cultural icon.

As a bit of a nitpick, I was slightly put off by the name "Cyber-Tank." It might be a perfectly accurate name but it seems a tad Saturday-Morning-Cartoonish.

Also, how can a project be "delivered?" A project can be completed; it can be presented, but delivered is a curious concept.