Thanks to all the advice and looking around the internet, I've composed a query letter. Any thoughts and adviced will be very much apreciated. Take in mind, I wrote this in about five minutes.
Dear agent
What we know now as a human being is no longer the only definition. The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children. Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel – for twelve to sixteen year olds – and is complete at 65,250 words for which I am seeking representation.
After two weeks on the Wheel – a space station in the far reaches of space – Zeb, a fourteen year old, is transferred into a new section. With his memories erased, leaving only stark knowledge of his home world of Earth, he is shocked to learn of the existence of four other types of human, each different in their own way. He makes some friends – and some enemies too – and very soon begins to seek the reason behind the use of a drug to keep the children asleep each night, and truth of his identity.
What he finds when he and his friends search for the answers disturb them all. They believe they have found ghosts, but when they go back the next night, the frightened children find not only danger, but also a plot to stop the experiment from happening. Eventually, the Xyloid, the ghosts that Zeb saw, return his memories, but not liking who he was, Zeb chooses to have them taken away again.
I plan to use the characters in this novel in a number of other stories, each one exploring a different teenager.
I have previously had a number of short stories published in anthologies, and won a runner-up prize for one of my published poems.
Thank you for your time. I have enclosed a SAE for your reply.
[Edited to change forever to from.]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 05, 2007).]
posted
Hookt - that's me not reading what I write. It should say, stop the experiment from happening. I'll go back and change it. Thanks for spotting that.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 02, 2007).]
posted
Ok, I thought about it and here's a revised version.
Dear agent
What we know now as a human being is no longer the only definition. The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children. Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel – for twelve to sixteen year olds – and is complete at 65,250 words for which I am seeking representation.
After two weeks on the Wheel – a space station in the far reaches of space – Zeb, who is fourteen, is transferred into a new section. With his memories erased, leaving only stark knowledge of his home world of Earth, he is shocked to learn of the existence of four other types of human, each different in their own way. He makes some friends – and enemies too – and soon begins to seek the reason behind the use of a drug to keep them asleep at night and through ghosts of memory, a clue to his identity.
What they find, when he and his friends search for answers, disturbs them all. They believe they have found ghosts, but when they go back the next night, the frightened children find not only danger, but also a plot to halt the fight for peace. Eventually, the Xyloid, Zeb’s ghosts, return his memories, but he doesn’t like who he is and given the choice, they are removed.
I plan to use the characters in this novel in a number of other stories, each one exploring a different teenager.
I have previously published a number of short stories in anthologies, and won a runner-up prize for poetry. I have enclosed a brief synopsis and three sample chapters as per submission guidelines.
Thank you for your time. I have enclosed a SAE for your reply.
posted
"What we know now as a human being is no longer the only definition." <- This line is confusing to me. "What we know now" is talking about now, but "is no longer" implies present tense and this is talking about now, too. I had to go back and re-read the sentence twice just to make sure I hadn't misread it, and having done so, I still don't fully understand what you mean by it. I would cut it.
Actually, the subsequent sentence ("The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children.") would be a better beginning anyway; it gets right to the point without delving into the philosophical dilemma of what we know and when we know it.
posted
The first part of the Query makes me think of Ender's Game . This isn't a bad thing but you have to show me ASAP why this isn't just an Ender's Game rip off. The Query doesn't do justice to what you've told us elsewhere about the story.
Your hook - as I see it - is "The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children" but you don't explain that enough for me. Just like the first 13, everything you tell me has to be clear - What worlds? Why is the path to peace in the hands of children?
Don't tease and don't withhold. This is the time to show your cards.
quote:What we know now as a human being is no longer the only definition.
This could be a hook but you gloss it over. Is the main plot driven by there being 4 different human types or the children's path to peace? Focus the first line on the most important concept. If this is important, try to make it a bit less metaphysical. Just say "There are four distinct species of humans" and tell me why this matters.
The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children. This seems more hooky but you also leave this idea behind
Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel – for twelve to sixteen year olds Don't tell the agent what the Young Adult (yes, and spell that out) market is. He or she knows that better than you do – and is complete at 65,250 words for which I am seeking representation.
After two weeks <-- this detail doesn't matter to the query on the Wheel – a space station in the far reaches of space – Zeb, who is fourteen, is transferred into a new section.
With his memories erased, leaving only stark knowledge of his home world of Earth, he is shocked to learn of the existence of four other types of human, each different in their own way.
Way too much happening in these two sentances and some critical information is missing.
1) Fourteen year old, Zeb's memories (OF WHAT?) are erased and he's transferred to a new section of the Wheel, a space station near __________.
I'd like to know why he's on the Wheel.
2) Somehow, he learns that there are other types of "humans."
3) Somehow, these subtypes are different.
4) Somehow, these difference matter to your plot.
He makes some friends – and enemies too <-- do we need this? – and soon begins to seek the reason behind the use of a drug Whoa, they are drugged? Why does he question? How dies this question related to the 4 species and the path to peace? to keep them asleep at night and through ghosts of memory, a clue to his identity but you said he had some "stark memories of earth. Hu? .
What they find, when he and his friends search for answers, disturbs them all. what do they find? Why is it disturbing? This sentance adds nothing
They Focus on Zeb believe they have found ghosts, but when they go back Where? the next night, the frightened children find not only danger What? , but also a plot to halt the fight for peace whose plot? Who or what is the antagonist. Eventually, the Xyloid, Zeb’s ghosts What ghosts? , return his memories, but he doesn’t like who he is who is he? The Evil Robot Monkey King? and given the choice, they the memories are removed.
Oh, I miss Ms. Snark.
Okay, as a guideline your query should go like this:
X is the protagonist, what X wants Y is the antagonist, and wants Z X and Y meet and all L breaks loose If X prevails, then A happens If not, then B.
Right now, I can't tell if the main plot line is:
1) the four species of humans 2) the war 3) the path to peace 4) the freaky things being done to the kids 5) something about ghosts
Focus. There is no way you can tell your whole story in 120 words. Right now you have a list of events but not overreaching plot or story arc to hold them together. While I am sure the book has one, it is lost in your query.
Take heart. Writing the query is harder than writing the book. You should see my thread on it for [i] King's Falcon [/b].
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 02, 2007).]
posted
I have no experience with query letters and hope to learn a lot from this thread. One question, not addressed yet for this letter, is about writing experience. I read somewhere, on the SFWA site, I think, that anthology acceptance counts only in some cases – where the anthology editor is selective. In that case, the article suggested, you should list specifics in the query letter to show that those are selective anthologies. If they’re really vanity publications, they should not be mentioned.
posted
The problem is getting it all into one page, and as it is, its just on one page, if I add more information, it'll be two pages or more. Plus, the bit about it being left upto the children is only touched upon at the very end, so I don't want to spend paragrahps on it in the letter. The important part is the ghosts and Zeb finding out who he is.
kings_falcon. I can't say where the space station is, he doesn't know and its not part of the story. I say why he's on the wheel, to find peace. He actually doesn't know right until the end. If I explain how they are all different it will take pages. Again, if I explain how it matters to the plot, it will take pages. They find ghosts, I say that in the next sentance. What ghosts, I say that in the sentance before hand. Everything is explain in greater detail in the synopsis. The point of the story is the ghosts. I can't explian the hook as you said, the war and search for peace because its only mentioned briefly. If I focus on things that are not a huge part of the plot, I'm telling a differnt story. I think I'm teling the story as it is. Again, I don't have time to explain it all in a couple of sentances. That's what the synopsis is for. I'm not teasing or withholding, I'm telling the plot as it happens. If it's confusing, then I can explain it in differnt ways, but I can't explain more, or add to it.
Edit: To explain it, I would have to say: There are four new types of human, each live of thier own planet, and they are at war. These people are Creopan, Chamaeliod, Aluran, and Tellurgian. The Creopan have reptilian like abilities, great strength and the ability to see in the dark, the Chamaeliods can... and so on until I've explained them all... these four worlds are at war, and children from each world have been taken to a space station and had their memories removed so they know only of their own world. The idea is that if they can live together and get along when introduced to one another, maybe they can find peace for their worlds.
Now this ONLY explains the idea behind the story, not the story itself.
How can I put all that into a couple of short sentances, and then explain the plot for this story?
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
This explains more but is way too much for a query.
The worlds of our galaxy are at war, and a path to peace is in the hands of a group of children. Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel and is complete at 65,250 words for which I am seeking representation.
The story centres around Zeb, fourteen. Sent to a space station by his parents in an effort to find peace, he has no memory of his past and few recolections of his home planet, Earth. He is introduced to his peers and is shocked to learn of other types of human; the Chamaeloid, Creopan, Aluran, and Tellurgian. Each have a different ability. He makes friends with Xi'Lan a Tellurian and Chamaloid girl, Trax.
He is suspicious of why the Mentors, the people that run the space station, use a drug to keep them asleep at night. He also wants to know who he is. He steal the antidote to the drug, and with his friends, explore the space station one night and find a chamber in which he sees ghosts. He decides to explore again another night. This time, Xi'Lan takes control of him using his mind and forces him to destroy the controls for the space station. Then Zeb's body is taken over by a ghost.
The ghost is Matula, and along with four others, they are results of an experiment gone wrong and are now light and energy; the Xyloid. A second Xyloid helps Zeb to reclaim his body. Later, the Xyloid, who began the search for peace, return Zeb's memories. He dislikes the person he was, and to help find peace, decided to be Zeb again.
I plan to use the characters in this novel in a number of other stories, each one exploring a different teenager.
This is far too long, and explain probably much of what is in the synopsis, and I would need to cut it in half because I know that this much information shouldn't be put in the query.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
And if I didn't say before, thanks for all the replies so far.
As for the credentials, I'm undecided. The publisheer is in the Writers Handbook, and they said they chose the stories on merit, but haven't decided yet to mention it or not.
I share your pain and I am trying to help it not add more.
That said, the last version is much better.
I'd be inclined to cut the entire reference to the quest to save the world because while it's part of the story, it's not the main story.
The main story seems, to me, to be:
Zeb has had most of his memory wiped. During the course of his education/training/ something on the space station, he discovers his dreams might be more than they seem. In trying to find out who he is (although I still don't know why he's wondering), he is possessed first by a "friend" and then a "ghost." Once he learns who he is, Zeb chooses to resume the life he was given v. his real life and presumably has his memory wiped again. The world peace inititive doesn't seem like it hinges on this story.
On the credentials, list Writers' Handbook and any other anthologoies by name. I'd also tell them what contest the poetry award was part of.
It gives more credibility to the publishing. I wouldn't mention the other hopeful stories.
You don't need to set up your whole world in the query, just the details that are important to the main storyline. IMHO, the other kids in training aren't major players and can be cut from the query. The four human species information doesn't really play out in the query. Zeb's possessions (by a "friend" and a "ghost") aren't critical to the query and detract from it. I'd cut them. The "peace loving" Xyloid is important. Why he/she helps Zeb and what they discovery IS important and needs more line space.
So, the trick is to cram the important stuff down and keep it straight forward. Please forgive the presumption:
I stripped out a lot of details because IMHO they aren't necessary to the query.
Maybe:
"For some people, "ghosts" are thier explaination of things that do bump in the night, but for Zeb, a fourteen year old living and training on a space station known as the Wheel, they might his key to recovering his lost memories of home.
Zeb's world is at war and his training is part of the peace initiative. Forcibly administred a drug every evening by the Mentors, the adults on the Wheel, and having unsettling dreams of a childhood he never had, he begins to question the Mentor's actions and his own identity.
When he steals and takes the counteragent to the sleeping drug, he thinks sees ghosts. The result of an experiment gone wrong the ghosts, beings of energy, refer to themselves as the Xyloids. XY, the Xyloid most invested in the quest for peace, (somehow) helps Zeb reclaim his memories. "
Then something about what Zeb 2.0 didn't like about Zeb 1.0 and why he chose to go back to being Zeb 2.0.
These kids aren't in training though, just trying to get along with each other without inbred prejudice and hatred. The others kids are importnat to the story too. Plus the idea of the drug too, is to stop them dreaming and so prevent any memory coming back. Mostly, he see things he 'thinks' is his past, in visions and daydreams. That's what drives him on.
He wonders because, if you woke up and didn't know who you were, where you was and why you were there, wouldn't you? I don't think I need to put that in the query.
I apreciate what you say about the differnce between Zeb then, and Zeb now, but that's only a few pages at the end, not enough to go into detail over I don't think. I think the important stuff are his doubts, his search for the truth, the ghost and what happens to him/why he is taken over by one of them. There's a lot more going on too, like his struggle with one of the other boys, the fact that one of the Mentors knew him when he was Robert, and that she and her brother are trying to stop him, and the whole peace thing from happening. There's a lot there and I have to pick what I think is most relevent.
posted
I scrubbed the last post and posted this isstead.
I've been looking around the internet again for ideas and have come up with this. I'm happy with the first two paragraphs but not sure about the third. Is this any better and where does it go wrong?
Dear agent,
What if you didn’t know who you were and had no memory of your past? What if you couldn’t trust the adults that cared for you? And what if you thought you had seen ghost? Zeb, fourteen, must face all this in my YA novel, Ghosts in the Machine. It is complete at 65,129 words and I am seeking representation.
On a space station – the Wheel – Zeb joins forces with his peers; strange creatures he has never seen before. They are hybrid human. He searches the Wheel to discover who he is and why he’s there, driven on by what he believes are visions of his past.
He finds chamber and sees ghosts. They are the Xyloid, five legendary creatures that were once human, over two hundred years old. Matula, a Xyloid, has enlisted the help of one of the adults, Ms Silvers and her brother Rizo to take Zeb’s body as her own. The plan fails and the four remaining Xyloid show Zeb who he is, Robert Massey, son of the commander of Earth military. He doesn’t like Robbie’s bad character and decides to have the memories taken away until such a time that peace can be found between the five human worlds.
I have enclosed a synopsis and three sample chapters as per your submission guidelines. The full manuscript is available on request. I have enclosed a SAE for you reply and hope to hear from you soon.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
I've read on blogs by an agent, a (different) agent's assistant, and an editors website that the classic "start with a question" query just makes them groan. If you were validly asking the agent a question, it might be alright to keep it. However, all you're doing is telling about the character by asking the agent (please excuse the word) inane questions. I'd suggest going back to telling the agent about your character's dilemma instead.
I like the description of "hybrid human," but I'd suggest combining the sentences to say, "On a space station – the Wheel – Zeb joins forces with his peers; hybrid humans unlike anyone he has seen before." The next sentence is fine.
However, this paragraph is confusing.
quote:He finds chamber and sees ghosts. They are the Xyloid, five legendary creatures that were once human, over two hundred years old. Matula, a Xyloid, has enlisted the help of one of the adults, Ms Silvers and her brother Rizo to take Zeb’s body as her own. The plan fails and the four remaining Xyloid show Zeb who he is, Robert Massey, son of the commander of Earth military. He doesn’t like Robbie’s bad character and decides to have the memories taken away until such a time that peace can be found between the five human worlds.
The Xyloid are now real ghosts instead of ghost-like beings of light and energy. To me, 'beings of light and energy' is all we need to know about the Xyloid except for their motives. I don't understand what role they play in the whole peace-process thing or what one is trying to destroy that peace. I don't care that there are only five of them, that they were once human (unless that explains their motivation) or that they are 200 years old or that an experiment gone wrong created them.
Also, to me, it's not clear (in the present form it's stated) that the adults are humans...but if they are, I'd initially assume they are all Zeb-type humans instead of hybrids.
Why do Matula, Ms Silvers, and Rizo want to take over Zeb's body? The heart of the story--the reason for the conflict--might be right there. Frankly, in the query letter, I don't care about who Zeb was UNLESS it's the reason for the conflict. If you must keep the 'bad character' in, say something that explains his decision ('he doesn't like who he hated the hybrid types that are now his friends') instead of something so vague that it adds nothing to the query.
This is going to be way off, but how about something like:
quote:I am seeking representation for my YA novel, Ghosts in the Machine. It is complete at 65,129 words.
Four worlds are at war, but Zeb and his peers on a space station named "the Wheel" no longer remember this war or even who they are. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, Zeb explores the Wheel to discover the truth about his past and his peers--hybrid humans unlike anyone he has seen before.
Ms Silvers, an adult hybrid human on the station, knows the truth. She is out for revenge against Zeb's father--the general of the Earth forces--for killing hundreds of thousands on her planet. She has her brother, Rizo, take over Zeb's mind and force him to destroy the space station. One of the "ghosts" of the Wheel--a being of energy and light--saves his station at the last minute by breaking Rizo's hold over Zeb's mind. But this restores Zeb's memory and returns Zeb's prejudices against the hybrid humans. Zeb now understands that the only chance for peace among the four world is for him to lose his memory--and his prejudices--again.
I have enclosed a synopsis and three sample chapters as per your submission guidelines. The full manuscript is available on request. I have enclosed a SASE for you reply and hope to hear from you soon.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited August 03, 2007).]
posted
I am feeling sympathetic...but with queries one must be merciless
I agree the questions might be a little too much. I'd think that you have some shiny ideas here to capitalize on: This Wheel, the ghosts of the past, and his collaboration with hybrid humans to discover what's going on.
Now, personally, it seems a real downer that the end of his quest will be discovering himself and trying to forget again.[Then again, I suppose he'll have been building himself up again during the book? Which makes it sort of an obvious choice, I guess...though why can't he keep both sets of memories and be Zeb? All right, am stifling self now.] I just don't like downer YA--yet they get all the prizes. So my only comment on that is you might not want to say it right out. Already the pieces of the story seem melancholy, so that it will make sense once we get to it.
Now for some irreverence, in the school of Miss Snark the anonymous agent blogger: "I am seeking representation." No, really?
While you want to be professional, this is a whole half a line taken up with the obvious.
"On a space station – the Wheel – Zeb joins forces with his peers; strange creatures he has never seen before. They are hybrid human. He searches the Wheel to discover who he is and why he’s there, driven on by what he believes are visions of his past."
I think this is the essence of your query. You need to establish what he's up against (antagonist, which really should be at least represented by a person) which seems to be Matula, but you don't have to get us to the end in this query. A synosis, you have to. Not the hook.
I think you can say that Zeb is part of a group on a spacestation for unknown reasons, and their exploring brings them to stumble across ghost, one of which decides to possess Zeb's body (all with the sparkly details you know and I don't) and you'll have a snappy summary that will intrigue the right agent.
"as per your submission guidelines. The full manuscript is available on request. I have enclosed a SAE for you reply and hope to hear from you soon." Again, are you sure you need to tell the agent this? Be polite, but they are HIGHLY aware you will want to hear from them, especially with a request for the manuscript. You can thank them for the read, and be done, I think.
posted
There is so much conflicting advice out there, and none of it seems to be right <sigh>.
Is there anyone out there who has got an agent who has a good query for an example?
Anyhow, I have two more attempts below. The difference is the first two paragraphs. These have both protagonist, antogonists and reasons for why they are doing what they do. Are they any good and which is the best? Thank you for your help so far.
Edit: I've been tweaking again.
Dear agent,
The worlds of the galaxy are at war, but for Zeb, a fourteen-year-old Earth boy, his biggest conflict is discovering who he is, until he sees the ghosts, in my YA novel Ghosts in the Machine. It is complete at 65,129 words.
On a space station called the Wheel, Zeb joins forces with his peers, hybrid humans he no longer remembers. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, he searches the Wheel to discover who he is and why he’s there.
Zeb's suspicions are fuelled by Matula, a crazed Xyloid, a being of light and energy. She has the ability to give and take away his memories at will and feeds his need to find the truth, which leads him to the ghosts. She wants to possess a body, her desire to be human again.
Matula uses a human adult, Ms Silvers, to help her. She feeds off Ms Silvers' desire to seek revenge for her brother’s death at the hands of Zeb’s father’s security team, and her want to halt the process to bring about peace.
Take two:
Dear agent,
Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel and complete at 65,129 words.
Zeb is sent to a space station called the Wheel in an experiment to stop the war between feuding worlds. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, he joins forces with his peers, hybrid humans he no longer remembers, to search the Wheel for clues to who he is and why he’s there.
Zeb's suspicions are fuelled by Matula, a crazed Xyloid, a being of light and energy. She has the ability to give and take away his memories at will and feeds his need to find the truth, which leads him to the ghosts. She wants to possess a body, her desire to be human again.
Matula uses a human adult, Ms Silvers, to help her. She feeds off Ms Silvers' desire to seek revenge for her brother’s death at the hands of Zeb’s father’s security team, and her want to halt the process to bring about peace.
If this is even half way there, can anyone suggest how to reword this: at the hands of Zeb’s father’s security team without the two 's
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
Take 2 separates metadata - title, YA and length - from the synopsis. That's why I prefer it.
Does Ms Silvers reflect her revenge onto Zeb himself? If that's an important plot point, you may have to live with the nested possessives. If her treatment of Zeb isn't affected by, or dependent on knowledge of, the relationship, you could skip the whole "at the hands ... team."
posted
Thanks Jeff for the thoughts. Ms Silvers' desire for revenge is directly linked, its what drives her to help Matula. I did snip the bit about her brother being part of it too, does that matter? Any thoughts would help a lot.
Since my Writers Handbook hasn't arrived yet, I have a few more days to think this over and hopefully get it right.
posted
it seems to me you are getting pretty close, Darklight.
Dear agent,
Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel and complete at 65,129 words.
Zeb is sent to a space station called the Wheel AS PART OF AN experiment to stop the war between feuding worlds. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, he joins forces with his peers, STRANGE hybrid humans he IS FORCED TO TRUST, AS HE SEARCHES the Wheel for clues to who he is and why he’s there.
Zeb's suspicions are fuelled by Matula, a crazed Xyloid, a being of light and energy. DRIVEN BY THE DESIRE TO BE HUMAN AGAIN, SHE FEEDS HIS NEED TO FIND THE TRUTH, AND LEADS HIM TO THE GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE. POSSESSING THE ABILITY TO GIVE AND TAKE AWAY HIS MEMORIES AT WILL, MATULA TAUNTS HIM WITH VISIONS OF THE PAST AS HE RACES TO FIND THE ANSWERS THAT WILL MAKE HIM WHOLE AGAIN.
Matula feeds off THE desire OF ZEB'S ONLY GROWN-UP ALLIE to seek revenge for ACTS COMMITTED BY ZEB'S FATHER, EVEN AS ZEB STRUGGLES TO FIND A WAY TO BRING PEACE TO THE GALAXY BEFORE ALL FIVE RACES DESTROY EACH OTHER AND THE WORLDS THEY INHABIT.
GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE IS AN ACTION-PACKED ADVENTURE THAT EXPLORES THE WAYS IN WHICH THE MOST UNLIKELY OF ALLIES CAN BECOME THE PEOPLE YOU MOST DEPEND ON. ZEB, SEARCHING FOR HIS OWN IDENTITY, LEARNS THAT TRUE HUMANITY ISN'T BASED ON SKIN COLOR OR NUMBER OF ARMS AND LEGS YOU HAVE, BUT ON COURAGE AND LOYALTY AND THE WILLINGNESS TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING TO ACHIEVE A LASTING PEACE BETWEEN THE WARRING WORLDS.
I got a little lost with all the suggested changes, so i just kind of went on what i knew from having critted. Have you checked evil editor's blog yet? And, my personal suggestion is to line up a bunch of books that you really like and read the back cover blurb, inside front blurb, and think about how the author (or publicist) got from the contents of the novel the blurbs that promote it. It's a mind-set. Like a commercial for your novel. You can DO IT!
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
Thanks deb. I've been all over the place, evil editor, Miss Snark and a lot of places I've just come across. It's all good info, I just wish there was a standard way to do this
The latest are these, I have two right now:
Dear agent,
The worlds of the galaxy are at war, but for Zeb, a fourteen-year-old Earth boy, his biggest conflict is discovering who he is, until he sees the ghosts, in my YA novel Ghosts in the Machine. It is complete at 65,129 words.
On a space station called the Wheel, Zeb joins forces with his peers, hybrid humans he no longer remembers. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, he searches the Wheel to discover who he is and why he’s there.
Zeb's suspicions are fuelled by Matula, a crazed Xyloid, a being of light and energy. She has the ability to give and take away his memories at will and feeds his need to find the truth, which leads him to the ghosts. She wants to possess a body, her desire to be human again.
Matula uses a human adult, Ms Silvers, to help her. She feeds off Ms Silvers' desire to seek revenge for her brother’s death at the hands of Zeb’s father’s security team, and her want to halt the process to bring about peace.
Take two:
Dear agent,
Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel and complete at 65,129 words.
Zeb is sent to a space station called the Wheel in an experiment to stop the war between feuding worlds. Driven on by what he believes are visions of his past, he joins forces with his peers, hybrid humans he no longer remembers, to search the Wheel for clues to who he is and why he’s there.
Zeb's suspicions are fuelled by Matula, a crazed Xyloid, a being of light and energy. She has the ability to give and take away his memories at will and feeds his need to find the truth, which leads him to the ghosts. She wants to possess a body, her desire to be human again.
Matula uses a human adult, Ms Silvers, to help her. She feeds off Ms Silvers' desire to seek revenge for her brother’s death at the hands of Zeb’s father’s security team, and her want to halt the process to bring about peace.
posted
First of all, round off the word count to the nearest thousand. Giving a word count to the exact word looks very amateurish.
Second, what suspicions? That his visions are of his past or that he has been sent to stop the war or what? There are other things that are confusing about these descriptions as well.
I really think it would help if you would just say who Zeb, Matula, and Ms. Silvers are, tell what each one wants, and then say how they interact in the story.
posted
Again thanks for the advice everyone. deb, I think your suggestions are probably as close as anything I have. I like the last paragraph, with some re-wording, I'll probably use something like that.
I have my driving test on Monday - and this is way harder than that's going to be!
Let me think about this and I'll repost something again later. Again, thanks to everyone who's helped.
posted
This one combines many different suggestions. Any good?
Dear agent,
Ghosts in the Machine is a YA novel and complete at 65,000 words.
Zeb would be a typical teenager, if only he had his memories.
Matula is a being of light and energy and wishes to be human again.
Ms Silvers and her brother want revenge for the actions of Zeb’s father.
Sent to a space station – the Wheel – in attempt to stop a war between feuding worlds, Zeb joins forces with his peers; strange hybrid humans. Driven on by visions of his past, he is unaware that Matula has the power to give and take his memories at will. His search leads him to the ghosts in the machine.
Matula enlists Ms Silvers’ help in order to lead Zeb into her trap to steal his body.
Ghosts in the Machine is an adventure that explores how enemies can become most unlikely allies regardless of the colour of their skin or the shape of their body. While searching for his identity, Zeb discovers the meaning of true friendship, and learns that people can change for the better.
It might be nice if you put a time frame after the word "teenager" (Zeb would be a typical teenager in the year 2099, sort of thing), and if you put something like "by taking over Zeb's body" at the end of the Matula sentence. Also, it might help if you changed the Ms Silvers sentence to say something like "Ms Silvers and her brother want to take revenge on Zeb for the actions of his father, commander of the ship that conquered their home world (or whatever)" so the motivations are even clearer.
Then you could just say that Matula and Ms Silvers agree to help each other with their respective goals.
The only other thing I'd recommend is that you add some kind of hint, at least, about what the ghosts in the machine are so that the editor or agent will know why they are important enought to the story to deserve the title.
posted
Good work. The most recent query is much clearer. You did very well with the comments and criticisms and made a very much improved letter. And might I say, that your book sounds really exciting. It is one I will want to read when it gets published Good luck!!!
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited August 06, 2007).]
posted
Hi darklight, I've never written a query letter, though I've done some research on them. At any rate, I thought it might be helpful to you to know where I was confused. Also, I didn't read through the previous iterations or comments, since I thought a read through from someone who has no idea of what the story is might provide some new insight.
I think I need a hint of what the ghosts in the machine are, otherwise I'm sort of left thinking, Okay, he's led there. So? Why is that such a big deal? And I'm not entirely sure how it ties into the story.
Also, is there a reason you call Ms. Silvers Ms. Silvers, when you refer to everyone else by their first names, and only by their first names? I assumed she was their teacher because of it, and thought if you clarified this, you might have the opportunity to indicate more suspense--i.e., if she is his teacher, she's in a role of power and could potentially abuse that power to her ends.
I wondered if you should be more specific about Zeb's father's actions. I suspect it's probably not important to the plot (or is it?) but either way, what his father does has great relevance to how driven an antagonist Ms. Silvers will be. So instead of adding more info, I'd suggest replacing "actions of his father" with something more specific, i.e. "revenge for Zeb's father killing her husband". or something. Specificity usually adds more interest and power.
I was left wondering how sending him to the space station was an attempt to stop a war between feuding worlds, since the two don't seem causally related. Is he there to learn how to fight, does the station serve as a demilitarized zone, or is he being offered to the enemy as a ward in a show of good faith? Sent to The Wheel, a military training space station... or something might clarify that. The reason I ask is that by "joining forces" you're implying he has some sort of common enemy to fight with his cohorts, but just sending him to a space station doesn't make it clear to me that it's a training or fighting facility, or some other kind of place. I'm having to infer and guess this, but it leaves me confused.
I also wonder if the para "Matula enlists Ms Silvers’ help in order to..." needs one more line of where the story will go. "But it's up to Zeb to convince Matula to help him in a battle not just to find his identity, but to save his home world." or something like that. Because you drop us off at the conflict, then imply there's a resolution of it in the last para: "...how enemies can become most unlikely allies..." but there's no indication of how the story will get to that point. Who are these allies? You imply later in that para that it will be Zeb and at least one of his enemies, but we don't know which one, or whether it's both.
Ultimately, I'm left wondering what his goal is. Is it to save his home against the feuding factions? But he's "sent" there, presumably against his will, or at least without regard to what he wants. Is it to discover his memories? The critical sentence that would establish this is missing an action: "Driven by his visions, he is unaware that Metula..." "Is" is a state of being, and therefore, he's not doing or wanting or striving for something. In essence, you haven't answered the question of what his dreams are driving him to do, since you follow it up with a statement of his state of being. So when you say "his search", I'm not sure I know what his search is, exactly. Again, you imply and allow us to infer--I think you could just flat out state it.
Finally, I'm a little confused as to whether Zeb is a hybrid human or not. He's a typical teenager, but then his peers are hybrid humans. Not sure how important this is at this stage, though.
It does sound like a good, compelling book, definitely one I would want to pick up and read. As an agent, I think I would want a little more precision. Good luck!
posted
Thanks everyone, all your comments have been very helpful. I've made a few tweaks to the last version posted here, and tomorrow my first query goes in the post. I'll have to wait and see what kind of response I get from it. If it's no encouraging, I'll have to rethink.
annepin, thank you for the indepth critique of this query letter. Its very hard to get all the information that's really needed in a few lines. I hope that it will be enough to make the agent at least peek at the synopsis.
Again, thanks and I'll keep you posted on any developments.
posted
Just keep in mind that if it's frustrating enough and confusing enough to drive the average person crazy, why then, the ones that are left are . . .US! bottom line is don't jump through any more hoops than you are comfortable with, and make sure that you are comfortable with what you write. Jamieford had an interesting observation, and one that I really thought a lot about - that he didn't want his query letter to be "better" than the book - he didn't want to misrepresent himself. And he did get an agent that he is very happy with (Jamie, if you are out there, feel free to jump in.) He has a good point. We all want to be published and successful, but we want to work with people that "get us", too, right? You've had about four good versions here, and you're a good writer, Darklight . Which one feels right to you, my friend?
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I'm not sure any of them feel right. The hardest part I have found is telling the story as it is. I didn't want to give the impression it something and it be something else. Good observation there from Jamie, something to keep in mind. Would be intersting to hear his experiences getting and working with an agent.
Anyhow, the first query is in the post now - will land on some agents (or agents assistants) desk in the morning.
posted
I think Jamie's comments were in a thread at Liberty Hall, although they might have been here. He has been very helpful and willing to share his experience.
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posted
Got the first rejection today. I found a bit patronising to be honest, but that just me I guess. It was a standard letter, with my name felt tip penned on the top. It says: Don't be disheartened... we have around 300 submission a week and have to be very selective.
Disheartened. Disheartened is a distant memory, left sometime back in 2004. Anyhow, I can send out another, and it only took two weeks for the reply so that's something to be thankful for.
Here's to the next one.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 22, 2007).]
posted
When an editor rejects you with a hand-written note you should be encouraged and far from disheartened.
The fact that an editor who deals with 300+ manuscripts a week would take the time to write to you on the rejection letter indicates that the editor thought you were worth that time, that you have potential. The editor really doesn't want you to give up.
I thought your query was very well written. I believe the idea of a query is to introduce your novel and get the agent in question to want to read more. I feel you did that with this letter. That said, be sure to add to your final paragraph that the full manuscript is available on request. Also, you should include a SASE. It is important that you also stamp the envelope or you may not get a reply at all. Good luck!
posted
Well, I got back my second rejection today. I wanted it to come through so I could get it moving again. It was the standard letter, with a nice handwritten note at the bottom:
Thank you Louise, but I do hope you try other agents. All the best.
posted
I've been thinking, should I stick with the same query package; the letter I've been sending out, the synopsis, or do these (two) rejections point to them being not good enough to do the job? Should I try a new query letter?
posted
I don't think two rejections means that a rewrite is in order. Agents have distinct tastes - what doesn't appeal to one, two or thirty, may appeal to others. That said, it doesn't mean that a rewrite isn't in order, either. However, since you had personal responses from at least two, you probably have a good product.
I just happened to go to http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2007/09/jamie-fords-query-for-hotel-on-corner.html which is where Jamie Ford's query letter is posted by his agent. In her blog she says this: "Now here's what's interesting. As I mentioned on a previous blog, an agent friend of mine received the same query and it didn't spark his interest at all. Now he freely admits that he was in a time crunch at the time he received it. That can change our response. If he hadn't been, he might have paid a little closer attention but for the most part, this query didn't float his boat much."
It just takes one. Good luck.
[This message has been edited by palmon (edited September 20, 2007).]
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. Which one feels right to you, my friend?
