This is the beginning of a fantasy series for girls aged eight and above. I've only gotten chapter one and a page or so of two done. Any comments would be welcome. It was read by a couple of gilrs in the age group it was intended for and recieved well, but I'd apreciate any thoughts. It's about three girls who discover they have magical powers. This scene, in fact the whole first chapter is set evelen years ago and sets up the series. I'd like to know if it's worth continuing. Thanks for any comments. Any readers of Ch1 (4400 words) would be very apreciated.

The pavement sparkled with frost and left a crust on car windscreens. Black ice lay in wait for foolish late night travellers. In windows, twinkled many-coloured lights. Happy Christmas flashed red and white; to send joy and seasons greetings into the cloudless night.

Matthew held tight onto their hands. The sharp wind stung their faces, little hands were red raw and frozen.

“Where are we going daddy?” she asked. She looked up with round, blue eyes; water streamed down her cheeks.

He looked down at his daughter. Ten minutes earlier, he’d hurried them into their overcoats and pushed Barbie Wellingtons onto their tiny feet. In his haste, he had forgotten to pick up their gloves and scarves.

Maybe you should replace "and" after "frost" with something like "that also"?

Also, I'd put the part about the little hands being red raw and frozen right after the hands are mentioned in the first place. Something like:

quote:

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Matthew held tight onto their hands, red raw and frozen. The sharp wind stung their faces.

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Finally, don't say "she asked." Give her name. Matthew does know what her name is, right?

Edited to add:

What she asked should be written this way:

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"Where are we going, Daddy?"

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"The pavement sparkled with frost and left a crust on car windscreens" reads as if the pavement is leaving the crust on the cars, not the frost. There's actually a bit of duplication going on in the first paragraph - twice you mention ice (black ice and frost) and twice you mention flashing lights. Also, the semicolon after red and white is out of place.

There are a whole lot of impersonal pronouns going on here too. Their, she, her. Also, their is plural, but using she later makes me think there is only one little girl, because it doesn't differentiate between the two of them. Give these girls some names, especially if the story is going to be about them.

The last sentence is about twice as long as it needs to be. I don't care, and it doesn't matter to me, if it was ten minutes or forty seven minutes ago you dressed them. The tense in this sentence jumps around a bit too.... Don't jump into the past to show him forgetting to pick up gloves and scarves, show him realizing that he's forgotten them. The difference might seem small, but it's the difference between cumbersome and clear.

I find it hard to dislike this story, but there are a lot of technical issues here. "Water streamed down her cheeks" is a bit out of place, and the sentence following it doesn't really explain it. The grammar is a little sketchy at times, and there are an awful lot of fragments. Maybe take the time to brush up on your Strunk & White (or whatever acceptable substitute you've got) and give this another whirl. There's promise here - though I just can't seem to put my finger on what it is exactly.

Jayson Merryfield

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The pavement sparkled with frost and left a crust on car windscreens.

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I could see frost leaving a crust on car windscreens, but I think whoever paved over these cars is going to get fired tomorrow.

quote:

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Black ice lay in wait for foolish late night travellers. In windows, twinkled many-coloured lights. Happy Christmas flashed red and white; to send joy and seasons greetings into the cloudless night.

Matthew held tight onto their hands.

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It would help to know whose hands here.

quote:

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The sharp wind stung their faces, little hands were red raw and frozen.

“Where are we going daddy?” she asked. She looked up with round, blue eyes; water streamed down her cheeks.

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My advice: don't be afraid to name characters. I think reader would connect with her a little better if they knew the name.

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He looked down at his daughter. Ten minutes earlier, he’d hurried them into their overcoats and pushed Barbie Wellingtons onto their tiny feet. In his haste, he had forgotten to pick up their gloves and scarves.

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If you're writing for eight year olds, I think you need to focus a bit more on grammatical simplicity.

For Example: "In windows, twinkled many-coloured lights." This could be reworked to something more linear, like: "Coloured lights twinkled in windows."

As for the descriptions, I think it would benefit if the descriptions focused around the characters. I thought this was in a car at first, since windscreens were mentioned. I don't know how the windows fit into the scene. Where are the windows in relation to the characters? Where are the characters? Where is the black ice? Are they driving on it or walking on it?

Matthew held tight onto their hands (I HAD THE IMPRESSION FROM YOUR INTRO THAT HE WAS HOLDING THREE LITTLE GIRLS HANDS, WHICH WOULD BE CROWDED. YOU MIGHT WANT TO MENTION HOW MANY CHILDREN THERE ARE). The sharp wind stung their faces, little hands were red raw and frozen (THIS IS NICE!).

“Where are we going daddy?” she asked (WHICH SHE?). She looked up with round, blue eyes; water streamed down her cheeks (WERE HER EYES WATERING FROM THE WIND AND COLD OR WAS SNOW MELTING ON HER?).

He looked down at his daughter. Ten minutes earlier, he’d hurried them (THEM WHO? HIS CHILDREN?)into their overcoats and pushed Barbie Wellingtons (THIS WAS ITALICIZED, AND I WONDERED IF THAT WAS BECAUSE YOU MEAN THEY ARE BARBIE-THE-DOLL STYLE WELLINGTONS? IF SO, YOUR FONTS PROBABLY HAS THE TRADEMARK SIGN SOMEWHERE, AND WELLINGTONS IS NOT COPYWRITED, SO THAT WOULD NOT NEED TO BE ITALICIZED ANYWAY)onto their tiny feet. In his haste, he had forgotten to pick up their gloves and scarves.

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I could see frost leaving a crust on car windscreens, but I think whoever paved over these cars is going to get fired tomorrow.

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That's the funniest comment on this huge faux pas I've got - the result of a hasty rewrite due to taking out sections of this scene that needed exterminating - any Daleks around?

For some reason I have yet to discover, I wrote this scene without naming any of the characters. I added in the father's name because I didn't to be told to 'give the characters names!'

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I HAD THE IMPRESSION FROM YOUR INTRO THAT HE WAS HOLDING THREE LITTLE GIRLS HANDS, WHICH WOULD BE CROWDED. YOU MIGHT WANT TO MENTION HOW MANY CHILDREN THERE ARE

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Quite right. There are only two in this scene, the third is yet to be born - which is kind of the point of this chapter! Needs clearing up.

Thanks for the offer to read, deb. This whole chapter needs a good re-write I think before I send it out, plus it's too long, as its about one tenth of my projected total word count for this story. I'm away for a few days after tomorrow, when I get back, I'll edit, then repost and send to anyone that offered to read. Again, this critique has been great, thank you

Frost sparkled upon the pavement and covered car windscreens. Black ice lay in wait for those late evening travellers. Matthew Trent held tight onto his two little girls’ hands, red raw and frozen. The sharp wind stung their faces.

Fairy lights twinkled in many windows and in one, a red Happy Christmas sign flashed on and off.

“Where are we going daddy?” three-year-old Aithne said. The cold night stung her eyes; water streamed down her cheeks.
Matthew looked down at her. He realised he had forgotten to pick up their gloves. “Don’t let go of my hand, we’ll be there soon.”

“But where daddy, where are we going?”

Anything wrong with "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Christmas"? Matter of taste here - just that to me "Happy Christmas" seems way too P.C.

"...water (tears) streamed down her cheeks."

"But where daddy, where are we going?" For me the story starts with this sentence. You may be starting a little too early. I would like to see the conflict played up stronger.

I'm not sure who you mean by those. I almost suspect that you mean the father and girls, though they seem not to be getting into a car. If you don't mean anyone by 'those', I'd suggest deleting it.

I'd suggest giving "red raw and frozen" a sentence for itself. Tagging it to the end of a sentence reads oddly to me.

I'd also suggest removing "hoping to keep them warm" from the end of the last sentence. If it was just, "He gripped their tiny hands tighter than ever," it would seem more like a response to the girl's question, showing possible anxiety of the father's and up the tension.

Hunter, the father is the POV character for the first chapter, after that, he and the mother 'dissapear' and the story skips ahead eleven years to when the girls are grown.