Anyway. Here are the first 13 lines, Times New Roman font, 12 point. Thank you in advance for any advice or commentary.

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There was a man in her car.

Rebecca shrieked and spun in her seat, feeling the quick initial rush of adrenaline. She had jumped into the driver’s seat quickly, a vain attempt to escape the nighttime November cold that had been making her sweaty gym clothes sting her flushed skin. There were no streetlamps in this part of the parking lot, and she hadn’t realized she had a back seat visitor until her eyes met his in the rear view mirror.

“Don’t be frightened,” he said softly, not moving. “I was just hiding. I won’t harm you.”

She was thinking all the big danger words that women her age were warned of: rape, kidnapping, carjacking. But as he met and held her gaze, she felt herself hesitate. His eyes were warm

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2007).]

For me, the hook is in the character of the man in her car; down there at the bottom, when his eyes make her hesitate (I'm a sucker for character stories) and not in the first sentence, or even the premise of a man being in her car.

I can't see anything stylistically or grammatically that needs adjustment. The one thing I would suggest, and others might quickly disagree with me, is that you slightly alter the beginning events. Instead of starting out with a man being in her car (the hook-ish sentence, which wasn't the hook for me), her scream, and then retroactively describing Rebecca getting into the car, I'd like to have read it in actual chronological order.

I'd be readily willing to read a few sentences of a girl getting into her car at night (that situation alone presents a host of speculation, those 'big danger words' as you've said), and you segue into the fellow in the back seat quickly, so I don't think you need the 'punch' of the first sentence and then a backtrack.

That suggestion aside, these 13 easily make me want to read on. I don't think I can tackle your whole project right now, but if you find yourself still lacking volunteers after a while, I'd be happy to swap emails and talk about what you've done with your vampires. I've read a fair bit of vampire lit/fiction, so I may be able to help there.

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There was a man in her car.

Rebecca shrieked and spun in her seat, feeling the quick initial rush of adrenaline.

“Don’t be frightened,” he said softly, not moving. “I was just hiding. I won’t harm you.”

She was thinking all the big danger words that women her age were warned of: rape, kidnapping, carjacking. But as he met and held her gaze, she felt herself hesitate. His eyes were warm and disarming, with faint lines of tension that were clear despite the limited light from a distant streetlamp. She knew she should jump out of the car and run, or grab the cell phone and call the police. Anything except just sit there and stare at him.

[This message has been edited by BrigidMaryKemm (edited August 23, 2007).]

I felt that tidbit gave the scene a setting (a parking lot outside of a gym on a cold November night), whereas while this version might be a little better-paced, its context is a little less clear. That was an important atmosphere builder for my imagination. I could see her breath in the air, imagine the discomfort of clinging gym clothes. It also told me that Rebecca worked out at night, so it was a dash of character spice, as well. It may not have been 'necessary,' but it was a brief and welcome bit of orientation.

My two (four, now?) cents.

The second one is more lively at the beginning. But at the end, the characters are seemingly separating, giving the impression that the drama is over.

Perhaps to the end of the second version you could add something like: Then he reengaged her eyes, as if to give her a chance to change her mind.

Wren, I did have a lot more like that before -- her walking to her car, how cold it was, fumbling for the key, etc. But after reading just about every post Miss Snark has written on her website (misssnark.blogspot.com), I felt I needed to jump into the action more quickly.

Here are the ORIGINAL 13 lines, so you'll see the problem.

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Rebecca Hanson never locked her car doors. In this day and age, she knew she should, but her car was old, with no bells and whistles, and more than its share of rust spots. She never left any valuables inside, so the threat of theft was no big deal. When people would criticize her decision, she defended herself by saying that it was safer, as she could get away more quickly in the event someone was chasing her. She also said that if the car was stolen, she would get more out of the insurance money than the car was even worth. Rebecca would even joke that she might as well leave the keys hanging in the ignition, but she never did.

It was a cold clear night in November when Rebecca was leaving her local gym. After her workout, she was only wearing a light

I think the detail I need from it can be worked into the first first 13 you posted. That version and its rewrites would get me to go a page or two in.

Maybe reorder the first a bit:

Your words (mostly) but my order:

Rebecca jumped into the driver’s seat (in) a vain attempt to escape the (cold November night) that (made) her sweaty gym clothes sting her flushed skin. She never locked her doors. The car was old, with no bells and whistles, and more than its share of rust spots. (She put it in gear and looked in her rearview mirror).
There was a man in her car.
Rebecca shrieked and spun in her seat, feeling the quick initial rush of adrenaline.
“Don’t be frightened,” he said softly, not moving. “I was just hiding. I won’t harm you.”
She was thinking all the big danger words that women her age were warned of: rape, kidnapping, carjacking. But as he met and held her gaze, she felt herself hesitate. His eyes were warm and disarming, with faint lines of tension that were clear despite

Rebecca flung herself into the driver’s seat, a vain attempt to escape the nighttime November cold. Her sweaty gym clothes stung at her flushed skin, and she fumbled with the key to start the engine and get some heat going. Her eyes flicked to the rear view mirror.

There was a man in her car.

Rebecca shrieked and spun in her seat, feeling the quick initial rush of adrenaline.

“Don’t be frightened,” he said softly, not moving. “I was just hiding. I won’t harm you.”

"...with the key to start the engine and get some heat going."
Ok, we all know that once the car is started, the heat is going on - we know it is cold, so the bit about getting the heat going is extraneous.

"Don't be frightened," he said softly, not moving. "I was just hiding. I won't harm you." (WHEW! That's good to know. For a moment there I thought there was some danger, some conflict, and that a story was about to break out - but guess everything is A-ok) Seriously, give that line some more bite - it is too weak. What's more it seems stilted, It's hard for me to believe a line like that in this situation.

"She thought all the big danger words that women her age were warned of rape, kidnapping, carjacking. But as he met and held her gaze she felt herself hesitate." This is not convincing to me. A woman with a stranger in her backseat is going to run, or scream, fight, maybe reach for a gun - but I can't even imagine that in such a situation a woman is going to take a mental inventory of all those "danger" words.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 26, 2007).]

SPOILER ALERT: Whilst it may not be clear in the opening 13, it makes sense that the character hesitates at this point. Later in the novel we discover that the man in the back is a vampire and can affect people's emotions, particularly through touch. So this bit does actually make sense, with that in mind.

Adam
xxx