posted
Thanks for your time and comments. I've only written about 4000 words. I'd like your comments on the first 13 lines.
BLACK Natural black pigment is made of magnetite crystals. Magnetite is readily available. It’s acceptable. It draws no suspicion. As ubiquitous as blond hair and blue eyes, so is a black tattoo. The keepers of the old ways eschew magnetite, for bone black. Culled from the long bones of animals and the tusks of elephants, bone black forges a feral connection. The skin not only receives it, but after a taste, longs for it. Bone black penetrates the body and the soul.
I need a tattoo, Todd thought, for the umpteenth time. He looked at his watch. He’d been standing across the street from the Voodoo Tattoo house for an hour. He pressed his back against the wall of the coffee shop and ran his hands down his sweater vest, smoothing out invisible wrinkles; a white T-
[This message has been edited by lecriveur (edited September 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]
There were seventeen lines (without the spaces), so I am only doing the 13. My take:
quote: BLACK Natural black pigment is made of magnetite crystals. Magnetite is readily available.[Why do I care?<--storywise] [It’s acceptable. It draws no suspicion.<--This looks like part of a list in the former sentence...][To whom?] As ubiquitous as blond hair and blue eyes, so is a black tattoo.[Huh?] The keepers of the old ways[Who are these keepers? and what are the old way? Old ways of what?] eschew magnetite, for bone black. Culled from the long bones of animals and the tusks of elephants, bone black forges a feral connection. The skin not only receives it, but after a taste, longs for it. Bone black penetrates the body and the soul.
I need a tattoo, Todd thought[Why do I care?<--as a reader.], [for the umpteenth time.<--Necessary?] He looked at his watch. He’d been standing across the street from the Voodoo Tattoo house for an hour. He pressed his back
Even with the extra lines, there's not enough of a hook for me. It's not that I don't see you forming a sinister connection between the pigments and the tatoo addiction that many collectors experience, but I don't care enough about Todd to find out what happens.
I suggest using the first paragraph as a tagged epithet at the beginning of a chapter:
quote: Natural black pigment is made of magnetite crystals. Magnetite is readily available, acceptable, and it draws no suspicion. A black tattoo is as ubiquitous as blond hair and blue eyes. The keepers of the old ways eschew magnetite, for bone black. Culled from the long bones of animals and the tusks of elephants, bone black forges a feral connection: The skin not only receives it, but after a taste, longs for it. Bone black penetrates the body and the soul.
-- The Book of the Elements
The cost is roughly the same amount of readers skipping it as do a prologue. The benefit, is you will have more time to expose the character.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 03, 2007).]
posted
There was a hook for me. I was intrigued by the first part, about Black. It seemed like you were setting us up for some kind of interesting new world where colors have special powers or something. I liked that. You had my attention. Once I started the second paragraph I was transported, somewhat dissapointedly, into a modern realm. But that's okay, it was just 13 lines. I'd read on to see how innovative your idea is. Nice work.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I may be an oddball who actually reads the preface and enjoys herself, but I must agree with IB that the first part should be before the actual chapter actually begins. You have an excellent way of describing the addictive nature of the tattoos, and the sweater vest piqued my interest . I would read more.
(edited to fix a stupid spelling mistake)
[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited September 03, 2007).]
posted
I agree completely with the idea of having the first paragraph as a quote preceding the beginning of the text proper. Otherwise it conflicts too much with the tone of the story. I like the idea of tattoo color/inks having certain powers in and of themselves.
I don't think you need to tell us what Todd's thinking as he's standing outside the tattoo parlor. If he's been there for an hour, we know he's likely trying to work up the nerve to go inside. His clothing tells us that. Since you have that first paragraph--in whatever form you choose to use it--we know the story is likely about someone wanting/getting a tattoo and not about some guy in a sweater vest stalking the tattoo artist. So I say show us how he's feeling rather than tell us what he's thinking: "Todd looked at his watch and flexed his hands, trying to dry out their clamminess. He'd been standing across the street . . ." or some such idea. Just my 2 cents.
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