posted
This is from the 3rd draft of a novel, maybe best classified as a "coming of age" story. Please let me know what you think :
I left Houston because as hard as I had tried to reassemble what was left of my prematurely mangled life, it had become clear that some pieces were still missing. I wasn’t going to find those pieces within the walls of my Aunt Jean’s Sharpstown bungalow or even within the borders of the Lone Star State. I knew my Aunt would argue with me about going so far away, so I took the coward’s way out and didn’t break the news to her until about nine hours before my Greyhound left the station. It hadn’t gone well. I had a long ride to think about it, hammering myself with the instant replay all the way to Fort Worth, where I changed busses. Stuck with myself for hours, I despised
quote:I left Houston because as hard as I had tried to reassemble what was left of my prematurely mangled life, it had become clear that some pieces were still missing.
Sentence is a bit long. What mangled his life? What age?
quote:I wasn’t going to find those pieces within the walls of my Aunt Jean’s Sharpstown bungalow or even within the borders of the Lone Star State.
Texas is a pretty big place - what pieces is he missing and why would he have to leave a state larger than many countries to find those pieces? By the way, what is the POV character's name? (I dislike first person in part for that reason).
quote:I knew my Aunt would argue with me about going so far away, so I took the coward’s way out and didn’t break the news to her until about nine hours before my Greyhound left the station.
Another sentence that is too long (IMO). Why is he at his Aunt's house - did she take him in, why does he feel she stifles him, does he owe her a legitimate debt of gratitude?
quote:It hadn’t gone well.
Tense thing. I'd write "It didn't go well." This is the first I started to care.
quote:I had a long ride to think about it, hammering myself with the instant replay all the way to Fort Worth, where I changed busses. Stuck with myself for hours, I despised
Someone whose name, age, and gender is yet to be revealed leaves the home an aunt has been providing. Left via bus. Argued with the aunt before leaving. Life has be 'mangled' but we don't know how or in what manner.
posted
It sounds like something significant has already happened. Perhaps that event is where your story should start.
Otherwise I predict flashbacks to fill in the details of whatever happened to mangle his life. The rule is show, don't tell.
I tend to keep things a little mysterious thinking I am building suspense, but the result is that the reader gets frustrated. I'm learning in my own work that's its better to reveal what my character already knows.
posted
I'm interested, but I agree that your sentences are too long. Especially that first sentence. It simply feels awkward; it doesn't flow, and it makes me wonder if the rest of the story will be as clunky. Break it into a couple sentences, or just change the structure of the sentence a little. Even still, I might read on.
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posted
Shortening that first sentence by even a few words would help.
"I left Houston because as hard as I had tried to reassemble my prematurely mangled life, some pieces were clearly still missing." Saying "what was left of" makes the fact that pieces are still missing redundant.
You can also shorten the other long sentence a bit: "I knew my aunt (l/c) would argue with me about going so far away, and I couldn't bring myself to break the news until about nine hours before my Greyhound left the station." (We know it's the coward's way out since he told us he knew she'd argue.)
I don't think you need to reveal everything in 13 lines. As helpful as the right 13 are in grabbing and keeping our attention, most people do read on for at least a few more. But don't make us wait too long.
By the way, the first 4 of your 6 sentences start with "I"--another danger of 1st person narrative. Watch out for this. Although I like 1st person, the tendency to, as MrsBrown says, tell and not show is almost irresistible.
I like the voice, however, so I'd read on--as long as you at least reveal the MC's age and gender soon. Good luck!
posted
Thanks all, that's good stuff. I see the problems with first person, and I admit a tendency to be verbose. This novel just kind of started as first person and I never really thought about the alternatives. Today I re-wrote the first chapter in third person and was pleasantly surprised. It just seemed to flow.
Here's an alternate opening that starts the night before my hero's hastily-announced departure from Houston. I'm able to establish his age, gender, and a lot about his family - though I don't get into why he is living with his Aunt and not his parents - that seems too much for the first 13.
Any comments welcome:
On the night of Chris Kerry’s twentieth birthday, his Aunt Jean surprised him with a new white dress shirt, a solid maroon tie, and a new Bible. What those gifts suggested was not lost on Chris. Still, he had no intention of setting foot back in Calvary Station Baptist Church. His cousin Elizabeth presented him with a new pair of jeans. She also made a German chocolate cake, his favorite, spread thick with coconut-pecan icing. A senior at Davy Crockett High, she had somehow developed a culinary gift as a random mutation that certainly had nothing to do with her mother. Chris’ other cousin, Tommy, was a year his junior and gifted him with nothing more than his indifferent presence. Camoflaged against the black leather sofa by an AC/DC T-shirt and
posted
The title strikes me with images of crossbows, thieves, and highway-men straight out of a high fantasy.
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