Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Dreamers--YA fantasy

   
Author Topic: Dreamers--YA fantasy
Woodie
Member
Member # 3346

 - posted      Profile for Woodie   Email Woodie         Edit/Delete Post 
I haven't been here forever--so none of you are already bored of seeing this piece. It's a YA fantasy, 50,000 plus words. And a side note--will I look like an alligator after getting so many rejections?


The paint on the porch was peeling. Not just a little bit, but in huge patches all over the place. Clare sat clasping her hands together to keep from leaning over and pulling it off in long strips. The thought had already occurred to her that she was sitting on the porch of an abandoned house. If it weren’t for the dilapidated furniture she could see through the dirty front window, she would have been sure her aunt no longer lived there.
Clare closed her eyes, trying to decide whether to be enflamed by fury, or engulfed in self-pity. There were too many thoughts swirling around in her brain to truly feel either one.
Did Aunt Abigail even know she was there?


Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lehollis
Member
Member # 2883

 - posted      Profile for lehollis   Email lehollis         Edit/Delete Post 
It has good visuals and even a bit of character, but I think it would help if the reader knew what was going on.

Here is what I understood: Clare, who seems like a youngster to me, is sitting somewhere on the porch, resisting the urge to peel of strips of paint. Her aunt is either supposed to be here, but the house is really abandoned--or she just thinks it is.

I'm not sure why she might feel fury. I'm not sure if the house is abandoned or it just might be, and I'm not sure of Aunt Abigail is really there or not.

Another problem is I felt it was harder to get a solid scene when it started with such a small detail. I didn't know for certain it was a house until the fourth sentence. I think the reader can imagine the scene easier if the description starts large and narrows. So maybe if you simple stated that Clare sat on Aunt Abigail's porch waiting for someone to open the door, then narrowed down to paint, the scene might flow better. Just a thought.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
annepin
Member
Member # 5952

 - posted      Profile for annepin   Email annepin         Edit/Delete Post 
Here's what I got. Clare is a young girl who was sent to live with her aunt, and now she's sitting on the porch waiting for someone to notice she'd arrived.

In the first paragraph, Clare seemed like a real youngster--10 years old. In the second, she felt more like a young teenager. I think it has more to do with your treatment of her than actually what she says and does, though the urge to peel paint is something I associate with a younger child. The "The thought had..." sentence is what makes me think she's younger, because it sounds as if the narrator is telling us stuff that Clare can't quite put together herself. In the later paragraph, she's clearly got sharper thoughts and emotions. And because I associate self-pity with teenagers!

It caught my interest though. I would read on.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
meg.stout
Member
Member # 6193

 - posted      Profile for meg.stout   Email meg.stout         Edit/Delete Post 
Wow - only 11 lines...

quote:
The paint on the porch was peeling. Not just a little bit, but in huge patches all over the place. Clare sat clasping her hands together to keep from leaning over and pulling it off in long strips.

I would put Clare in the first sentence, and start it with her being left at her aunts or walking up to the house. Why is she there?

quote:
The thought had already occurred to her that she was sitting on the porch of an abandoned house. If it weren’t for the dilapidated furniture she could see through the dirty front window, she would have been sure her aunt no longer lived there.

Flashback - passive flashback even. If you start the story with her coming up to the porch (as her parent drives off?) she can experience all these doubts as they happen rather than describing it as a flashback using past perfect tense (something I get yelled at about).

quote:
Clare closed her eyes, trying to decide whether to be enflamed by fury, or engulfed in self-pity. There were too many thoughts swirling around in her brain to truly feel either one.
Did Aunt Abigail even know she was there?

I don't know, I'm perfectly capable of feeling self-pity and fury simultaneously. I don't usually passively walk up to potential appropriate emotions and sift through them, deciding which one to put on. Tell us why. She's probably not even angry at the aunt, but at whoever/whatever has landed her in this situation.

Has she knocked on the door? Also, don't know when or where this is, don't know Clare's age.

Writing is good and easy to read. I'd just like to know more on the 'first page' of your manuscript.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bobbieanne
Member
Member # 6277

 - posted      Profile for bobbieanne   Email bobbieanne         Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, this is probably nitpicking, but since everyone has touched on the important points--age, why she's there, whether she's notified anyone she's there or if her wondering whether her aunt knows she's there is just her feeling sorry for herself--I just need to say that I don't think a houseful of dilapidated furniture precludes the house being abandoned. Based on the vocabulary, I'm sensing the MC is a teenager. Her clasping her hands to keep herself from peeling the paint doesn't strike me as necessarily being something a young child would do. Actually, I can see myself doing that.

All of that said, I like the picture you've painted and am intrigued.



Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
palmon
Member
Member # 6240

 - posted      Profile for palmon           Edit/Delete Post 
She is struggling with her emotions, anger and pity. Perhaps you can start with that struggle. Noticing the paint becomes an effort to control those emotions. The pulling of her hands, while on the surface her attempt not to pull off the pant becomes "white-knuckle" because of the inner conflict.

I like your writing and I see some real potential.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2