Here's the thing; I've had three rejections, two encouraging ones and one that came back as a slip of paper with a brief message saying something about 'not being in tune with our list.' I'd like some thoughts on whether the query I've been using is ok. I'll post the original, then a version without one of the paragraphs. I'll like to know which people think would be better. Thank you in advance. ----------------------------------------------------------------
The original:
Zeb would be a typical teenager of his time, if only he had his memories. Matula is a Xyloid, a being of light and energy and wishes to be human again by stealing Zeb’s body. Ms Silvers, Zeb’s human mentor, and her brother want to bring about an end to a peace process.
Zeb is sent to a space station, the Wheel, in attempt to stop a war between feuding worlds. He must make friends with his peers, strange hybrid humans, in order for that to happen. Driven on by visions of his past, he is unaware that Matula has the power to give and take his memories at will. His search to know more about the Wheel leads him to the ghosts in the machine – the Xyloid.
Ghosts in the Machine is an adventure that explores how enemies can become most unlikely allies regardless of the colour of their skin or shape of their body. While he searches for his identity, Zeb discovers the meaning of true friendship, and learns that people can change for the better.
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A version without the middle paragraph:
Zeb would be a typical teenager of his time, if only he had his memories. Matula is a Xyloid, a being of light and energy and wishes to be human again by stealing Zeb’s body. Ms Silvers, Zeb’s human mentor, and her brother want to bring about an end to a peace process.
Ghosts in the Machine is an adventure that explores how enemies can become most unlikely allies regardless of the colour of their skin or shape of their body. While he searches for his identity, Zeb discovers the meaning of true friendship, and learns that people can change for the better.
Edite to add: Or if you have any other suggestion, please say.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited November 15, 2007).]