I've written a 130,000-word/10-chapter mystery romance, but I'm still editing, at this point primarily deleting or condensing select scenes.
Here are the first 13 lines. I would appreciate your input.
I awakened to heavy rain, its din and dim having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional. Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating. “Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come up to my suite, oh please. . . .” I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster. “It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
posted
The paragraph indentations on my 13 lines didn't translate, so I'll resubmit here, using double space rather than indentation to indicate new paragraphs.
I awakened to heavy rain, its din and dim having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional.
Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating.
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster.
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
posted
You don't need to repost, remington. You can edit your own posts by clicking on the little pencil and paper icon on the same line as the post date (above each post).
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
| IP: Logged |
quote: I awakened to heavy rain(.)(I)ts din (and dim ? Not sure what this means -- the dark sky?) having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional. Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious (I don't know what this word means -- well I do, but many may not-- choose a simpler word if possible) pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone ( I have never found phones ringing to be a cheerful sound -- usually annoying -- but that may be me!) an annoying (I thought it was cheerful?)contrast to the mood I was intent on creating. “Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked (crackled?) through the receiver. “Can you come up to my suite, oh please. . . .” I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster. “It’s gone, Ruth! My painting(space) —(space)my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
I liked the mood you were trying to set. Your describe things nicely and you establish a good voice. Not very hooky, the beginning is very slow, saved by your prose. I must say the laziness you describe made me think this was a young person until the '..frail bones..' bit. You say this is a mystery romance -- I thought this site was for speculative fiction, ie. sci-fi, horror, fantasy. Your story doesn't seem to contain any -- does it come later?
I would read on, although not entirely hooked by a lost/stolen painting. I do like the prose, although it is possibly a bit flowery for my taste.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 15, 2007).]
posted
skadder, an em dash is supposed to touch both words.
quote: I awakened to heavy rain, [its din and dim having<--Replace with: which] lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional. ["Din" usually refers to loud noises, which wouldn't easily lull anyone to sleep.]
Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning?<--This is laying it on a little thick.] I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with [lugubrious pleasure<--How can you have mournful, dsmayed pleasure? All the depressing adjectives are making this a little redudant and thick.], the phone rang, its cheerful tone[Eh? Is it a cell phone?] an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating. You've lost me here. All I've read so far is about someone who wants to be depressed on a rainy day. Sorry, but not interesting.]
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the [morose music<--redundant] too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster[Why, did she steal the painting?].
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
IMHO start with the phone call. If I glanced at something that started out depressing and just got more oppressive, I wouldn't make it to the phone, which is the hook.
posted
Not much of a hook for me. I was thrown by the voice of the MC. Words like morning constitutional, melencholy, lugubious, and morose felt a bit much. Coupled with the mentioning of frail bones, I totally envisioned an old 19th century British man, until the telephone rings and then we find the MC's name is Ruth. Huh? A modern woman? Just my opinion. Overall, though, the prose is pretty good. I do like that you jump into the mystery right away.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited November 15, 2007).]
posted
skadder, I've been back and forth on it myself. I'd always done it that way, and then I came here and saw people spacing it, but, then I read here and elsewhere on that site, but I can't find it now..
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 15, 2007).]
posted
Too many unnecessary adjectives (I can't see where frail bones would ever come into play) and the story's flow shifts abruptly before and after the phone call. I see what you are trying to do with the first part as you are trying to establish the character's mindset, which is very important in a good mystery. I feel you are going in the right direction with that. However, I have read several mysteries in which the main character is set into motion by a phone call, so be careful about later "cliches" (I really don't like this word, but it is the only thing to come to mind.)
Also, I agree with the comment about the MC sounding like a guy (unfortunately, we live a double-standard society in which not all readers view it as equally fine for a male or a female to discuss taking a "morning constitutional".)
Printer-friendly view of this topic
