posted
“Gigantic vessels capable of both containing and supporting the population of an entire metropolis. Each individual starship will have all the needed shipyard and production facilities to build a Starfleet and will also act as the command center for that fleet.” Harriman turned off the holo. That was over 100 years ago. The “motherships”, as they had been come to be called, were already built and only awaited launch. He checked the clock 1436 only six more hours before scheduled launch. For the Coalition leastways, the United Nations had presented its plan effectively however it had been unable to hold together the varying nations of earth. Since the discovery they had fractured into three united forces. The Coalition, which represented the worlds Democracies, Republics and other free
Just these 13 lines. Thoughts please.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 17, 2007).]
quote: “[Gigantic vessels capable of both containing and supporting the population of an entire metropolis.<--Fragment. What are the gigantic vessels doing?] Each individual starship will have all the needed shipyard and production facilities to build a Starfleet[,] and will also act as the command center for that fleet.” Harriman turned off the holo. That [was<--IMHO - Had been would be a better choice.] over 100 years ago. The “motherships”, as they had been come to be called, were already built and only awaited launch. He checked the clock[,] 1436[,] only six more hours before scheduled launch. For the Coalition[What's this?] leastways, the United Nations had presented its plan effectively[,] however[,] it had been unable to hold together the varying nations of earth. Since the discovery they had fractured into three united forces[:] The Coalition, which represented the world[']s Democracies, Republics and other free
Since we don't see the holo, and don't see the vessels, this is an info-dump.
Generation ships are not a new idea, so you leading me into this with Harriman is essential. Tell the information as it's needed, but show me this from those who are/are-about-to-be affected directly, and show me what affects them. Their perspectives are going to be the original part of the hook.
posted
I'd just add to what IB said: Since the discovery of what? Whatever it is, the discovery may be the thing that makes this story unique, and therefore it might be the hook which for me at the moment is missing.
posted
The screen flashed: [Maybe Italics here?] Motherships: Gigantic vessels capable of both containing and supporting the population of an entire metropolis. Each individual starship will have all the needed shipyard and production facilities to build a Starfleet and will also act as the command center for that fleet... blah blah. Harriman turned off the holo. That was over 100 years ago. Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
info-dump, ok so too much info? Also why was my lines cut? I checked it was 13 on my word document.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Were the 13 lines on your Word document in Times Roman or in Courier font? Were they 12-point or smaller?
We are talking about 13 lines of 12-point courier here (the size and font of type in a properly formatted manuscript) so that the requirement is the same for everyone.
I think "infodump" refers more to the quality of the presentation, rather than the quantity of facts. Infodumps occur when the author just lays out info, without context, characterization, or POV.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
