posted
My Dad never did exactly rise up from obscurity, but someone must have told him, "Be a man!" When his dad couldn't work my dad decided to quit school and become a scavenger. He picked up bottles and scrap-metal; in the fall he harvested the woods, by hand. Granny said, "He gave me all the money. He would ask for enough to take his brother, Charlie, to the movies on Saturday, a dime each." "We wanted a wagon for Christmas," he told me, at ten he wanted that wagon for business purposes. My dad also loved to tell me, "Back in my day we used to get an orange for Christmas and be happy and SURPRISED!" That year he got a bright, shinning, red wagon too, it was an investment. Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Okay, I'll be the first since I seem to have my black hat on today.
While I am sure this story is important to you, especially if the "Dad" is really your dad, so far you are telling us about him. Show us how wonderful he is by having him interact and act rather than having people tell us about him. All of these wonderful stories about him and his life can wait until we care about the MC and understand why these flashbacks are important.
You sort of have the Big Fish feel going to this and I could like it a lot (I did for Big Fish . In the movie, they showed us the son going home to see his estranged father before he died. As the two reconciled and the son came to terms with his father's approaching death, the audience was shown the father's stories. It was very effective and moving.
Give me some of the frame story first - why is the son telling this to us - before you dive into the past.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 13, 2007).]
I can see nothing wrong with the paragraph, but instinct tells me it may be offered a little too early. Consider opening with a different paragraph, an interesting incident involving the MC so that the reader gets to know him and empathize with him.
I really like nostalgic pieces having written a few primarily to maintain records of family events. Good luck with this.
posted
The problem I had with the dialog is it is still telling us about the past.
Give me a setting and a bit about why the narrator is telling me this.
Something like:
I couldn't help thinking about William Brown, the man I only ever thought of as my father as I cleaned out his house. Picking up a faded photo album full of people I didn't know, I realized I never knew my father at all.
**
Now I know why I am being told the story, why the MC is thinking about this now. You don't need to spend a whole lot of lines on establishing the frame but give me some reason to follow the narrator as he explores his father's life.
posted
My Dad never did exactly rise up from obscurity, but someone must have told him, "Be a man!" He was born in 1918, lived through the Depression, worked in the Civilian Conservation Corps. and served in WW2. There is more to say than what was in the newspaper. When he was 10 and his dad couldn't work he decided to quit school and become a scavenger. He picked up bottles and scrap-metal; in the fall he harvested the woods, by hand. "We wanted a wagon for Christmas," he told me, at ten he wanted that wagon for business purposes. My dad also loved to tell me, "Back in my day we used to get an orange for Christmas and be happy and SURPRISED!" That year he got a bright, shinning, red wagon too, it was an investment.
[This message has been edited by phewi3 (edited December 09, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by phewi3 (edited December 09, 2007).]
posted
The first half of the 20th century was damn hard on America but we pulled through and became stronger because of it. "Be a Man" seems to be an interspersed theme...I think it would make an excellent title.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I agree with kings falcon on whether or not this is the right place to start - also agree with what has been said by others.
"Back in my day we used to get an orange for Christmas and be happy and SURPEISED." I don't know if this is a cliche, but the tenor of it certainly is. Give us something more original, something with more impact, something very telling about the people involved.
I agree with the above. If you move the first line further down, and start with the second:
“He was born in 1918, lived through the Depression, worked in the Civilian Conservation Corps and served in WW2. But there’s so much more to say than what was printed in the obituary about my Dad. My Dad. He never did rise up from obscurity, but someone, at some point must have told him to “Be a man!” When Dad was only 10 years old, Grandpa couldn’t work anymore, and my Dad decided to quit school and become a scavenger.”
-It was the dad, not the grandpa that became the scavenger, right?
I LOVE novelized family histories, especially when they’re based in actual truth! I’m excited to see what’s on the next page, and I think it’d only take a little tightening polish what you’ve got.
Bree
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 19, 2007).]
posted
I really appreciate all your help and encouragement!
The story about my dad wasn't in the obit, he shot himself in the heart as he sat in the garage...this was after a self sustaining life profiding for his sisters and brothers and mom; working hard in the CCC, excelling in the Army Aircorp and as a husband and father. Somehow I just couldn't get it all in the first 13 lines and I'm unwilling to start the story at the end...
....but thanks. I feel like I have been helped. Good Job!
posted
You wouldn't really be starting at the end - just a hint of the end. Something, some event, triggered the Narrator's walking down that path. That event - cleaning out the house, getting the call from his mother about the death, or flying to the funeral - triggered a need in the narrator (and you) to tell his story.
The triggering event - the call and travel as an example - is part of the frame story. It is what causes you to delve into his past and try to figure out why he felt compelled to do what he did. The reader doesn't have to know the details of the death until you closed the interior story and rejoined the frame at the end - ex arriving at the house and the funeral.
If the frame story is the son trying to reconcile the act of his father taking his own life with the man his father also was trust the readers to follow along. In fact, it's a compelling story. Let the reader know why you are on this journey and we'll go along with you.
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