posted
This is a near future, post apocolypse novel, first draft complete, re-write half way through, final word count expected to be around 120 - 130k. This is more of a vesion one, version two opinion question, but first thirteen critiques are also welcome. I've agonised over this for a while; the difference is really the ommision of a few words but I'd like to know which reads the best. If one of the words has *** in it, I didn't write it like that.
Version one
quote:Listen to me, while you can. Listen to me for the time that I can remember, before I fall back into incoherency.
I was fifteen when I realised the world was screwed. It didn’t begin then, the decline, but I knew it would happen.
They were the good old days. Days of crime, drugs, terrorism. I thought they would destroy this world, the terrorist, looking at them through the eyes of a teenager.
But I was wrong.
My folks had taken my brother and me to Yosemite National Park. I never forgot it. That summer I noticed it for the first time; the purity of the land. I became aware of the divinity of the human being. Homo sapien. Man. I decided I must make a difference.
Version two
quote:Listen to me, while you can.
I was fifteen when I realised the world was screwed. It didn’t begin then, the decline, but I knew it would happen.
They were the good old days. Days of crime, drugs, terrorism. I thought they would destroy this world, the terrorist, looking at them through the eyes of a teenager.
But I was wrong.
My folks had taken my brother and me to Yosemite National Park. I never forgot it. That summer I noticed it for the first time; the purity of the land. I became aware of the divinity of the human being. Homo sapien. Man. I decided I must make a difference.
posted
I like the first version better myself. It tells me why I should listen, what to expect will happen. It creates more suspense. The crucial line is a bit unclear, though.
quote: Listen to me for the time that I can rememberNot sure what "for the time" means--"during the time"? "while I can still remember"? As opposed to the time that he's remembering and going to relate, before I fall back into incoherency.
Either way, though, you definitely got my interest. What a great first line. I love the sense of quiet urgency.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 21, 2007).]
posted
For me, Annepin's question about that "It didn't begin ... would happen" sentence is the reason I prefer the second version. It's less cluttered and the focus is on what has happened to the world. The first version dilutes that focus with sympathy for the narrator's situation, and perhaps that could be fed in later.
Nits:
Should it be "...they would destroy this world, the terrorists, looking at them ...".
Before "the purity of the land" I suspect it should be either a colon or an em-dash although I'm unsure. And for me it doesn't quite flow into the next sentence about the divinity of human beings. Maybe it should be something like, "That summer I noticed for the first time the purity of the land and the divinity of the human being."
Aren't we homo sapiens? (Even when we're generic "man".)
Either way there's a definite hook and the idea that perhaps terrorists are not the biggest threat we face is refreshing.
posted
Second version for me, too - I think it's more affective to just leave it hanging at 'while you can'. Besides, the next bit ('for the time that I can remember', etc) starts to labour the point a little. That, and there's just something about it that doesn't flow properly.
Otherwise, TaleSpinner already caught the terrorists plural, and that semi-colon should indeed be either a colon or an em-dash (or a hyphen, since I'm UK).
I must admit, you're losing me at 'the divinity of the human being', but that's a personal preference. I'm not overly religious, but I've never liked stories where Man is compared to God - it seems... I don't know, almost pretentious.
Anyway, I was reading until 'divinity', but that point I'd stop on preference. No huge problems with the prose per se, aside from the things above.
Oh, and 'homo sapien' caught my eye, too. 'Homo sapiens' is the species, 'homo sapien' is a man singular. The way I read it, you were referring to 'the human condition' when you wrote 'THE human being' (rather than 'A human being'), so neither options seem to fit. If, however, you just meant 'the divinity of A human being'... it's still a toss-up. It's followed by 'Man' (which is definitely species-plural), so I'd go 'homo sapiens' plural, myself.
Hope this helped .
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 22, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for all the replies so far. I'm still undecided about the versions, but as two of you have said, version two does read a lot better, which is why I have been leaning toward it.
Also, a couple of you have picked me up on Homo sapien. I thought it should be Home sapiens too, but the one and only time I sent this off to an editor - before the rewrite - it came back with the first page line edited. She made it clear that there should be no s on the end of Home sapiens, which is why I left it off in the rewrites. I figured if an editor thought it shouldn't be there, then maybe it shouldn't be there.
The first sentence tells reader that the MC has failed and it's left up to the reader, I guess, to carry on. This knocks the reader out of story immersion from the get-go. If this is a communication to other characters, perhaps you can find a way to make that clear. Otherwise, consider making this a foreword, especially considering that it is mostly flashback.
Related to the above: since you're beginning with a flashback, it is worth considering whether you're starting at the right place. I don't know enough about the story to offer suggestions other than starting at Yosemite, or just before Yosemite as you're exiting a nice, plump, post-apocolyptic event.
The last sentence leaves the reader wondering about the scope of the MC's failed goal. Was he to make his neighborhood a better place (a personal journey), or to manipulate/save the entire world. Whichever it is, you're leaving to the reader to decide (and whether to turn to the next page); consider making that more clear. Good luck.
-WouldBe
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited January 02, 2008).]
posted
It is indeed "Homo Sapiens" and the "s" on the end has nothing to do with an English plural, but with the original Latin word ending.
Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2007
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I thought they were evil robot monkeys with rubber stamps.
This one was clearlywrong, and I will add the s onto the end of sapien.
WouldBe. This is a prologue. It wasn't originally, but thought as you have, and made it one in the re-write. This character isn't the MC, but one that pops up now and then to drive the MC forward. Hmm... probably doesn't sound great for a premise for a story... but I hope it works.
posted
I hesitate to post this because no one else mentioned it, but am I the only one that didn't like "world was screwed." It seems to be in a different voice than the rest and it just throws me off.
I also like the idea of something worse than terrorism, drugs, etc being the downfall of the world. I'm curious to know what that was, and also curious to know why the speaker will only be able to tell us this story for a short time. "Decline" seems too soft a word, though. The world has been in decline for a few centuries now, so it doesn't give me the sense of urgency, or curiosity that the rest of your opening does.
Good luck on your revisions!
Oh, I'm curious, how did you get an editor to look at this?
posted
I am more interested in the first version because, like annepin said, it tells me why I should listen. Not only that, it tells us a little bit about what is going on with the MC. It is obvious that something has happened to the MC to bring him to incoherency and that draws a reader into the story wanting to know what happened to the character. This is a hook you don't read too often. I like it, it's different.
I would however shorten up the first bit just a little such as:
"Listen to me while you can, before it disappears from my memory." Or "Listen to me while you can, before I fall back into incoherency."
Something like that. That way, it draws in the reader without dragging it out, I'm thinking the MC is in some kind of hurry.
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